Venting Why did the people that hate me & never cared about me take my SN away!

[MeltingHeart]

Do not understand how the people that have ignored me for most of my life, so that I could have been dead years ago & they wouldn't have noticed for a fair while- hve totally neglected me- and not even known where I've lived or the kind of situations I've been from a pretty young age- and clearly have no care for me - rather disdain & hatred- why did they take my SN away?! The guilt factor if I'd done it ? The fact that then other people would know how I've been mistreated/ neglected by them? They didnt like that I'd been kind of smart enough to find a method?! Why why why ??! & then still treat me with absolute disgust & disapproval - when I could have been gone by now - my troubles - And their troubles - of having me around - which causes their lives so much 'disruption' could have all been over by now! I wonder if they don't secretly regret they took it away now. But they were just acting on their instinct to disapprove of everything I do! As they always hve

 

[MeltingHeart]

I am so sorry. I am terrified of this

May I ask (feel free to reply when you're not upset or not at all )

- Where did you leave it? How did they find it? Did they open it when you got it in the mail?
- How old are you? Do you live with your parents? I am 30 and I do

Thanks

have sent you a PM - you'll prob wanna skim read !

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

What a nightmare. I know how much comfort and feeling of control it can be just to have the SN in hand. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Maybe they think they could be implicated in your death.

 

[WhiteDespair]

What a nightmare. I know how much comfort and feeling of control it can be just to have the SN in hand. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this.

Even when the world is chaos, you can still have that much control. It's powerful and enables people to push themselves further than they thought.

Maybe they think they could be implicated in your death.

Could be that MeltingHeart will gain a better perspective in a couple of days.

I have intervened when someone boarded the bus because of laws like this. Even it made my life worse. What are the options? Jail because you let the bus depart or more anguish because you took someone off the bus? Unfair.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Just like the "mental health" system. Abuse you when you present. Tell you what a waste of resources you are. Ignore you when you tell them how much pain you're in. No concrete, reliable help. But then strap you down so you can't exercise your decision to leave. Hypocrites.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Maybe they think they could be implicated in your death.

I think this is a big possibilty-even if not on a literal level- but the fact I was just staying with them prior to my death-everyone (soceity, their friends, my friends) would think they had something to do with it, or were part of the reason etc, which would be true! Now they shout at me, im no allowed to speak, all they do is attack me-for disrupting their lives etc...well bit weird to force me to stay alive then & continue to be in their lives when I could have been gone by now-but as you say they dont want to be implicated- or even shoulder ANY of the guilt or repsonsibilty for my death- it is pure & utter selfishness...there is no care or love that stems from their 'duty' (as they called it) to stop me -just the pure moral implications and standards on which they would then be judged by others if i did it, that is the ONLY reason.

Even when the world is chaos, you can still have that much control. It's powerful and enables people to push themselves further than they thought.



Could be that MeltingHeart will gain a better perspective in a couple of days.

I have intervened when someone boarded the bus because of laws like this. Even it made my life worse. What are the options? Jail because you let the bus depart or more anguish because you took someone off the bus? Unfair.

they wouldnt have gone to jail if id ctb myself-why would they?which laws? and they knew I was going to go somewhere else once i had it - nope they just wouldnt want to have to face people; neighbours, people i know etc-and tell them what had happened as I think people would wonder why and people would be asking questions, perhaps judging them, questioning them as people too- they just didnt want to have to deal with that-that is all. I mean I even got recommened a better way 'to do it' if I really wanted to - that meant I was far away & it might not look like scde

 

[Sweet emotion]

I think this is a big possibilty-even if not on a literal level- but the fact I was just staying with them prior to my death-everyone (soceity, their friends, my friends) would think they had something to do with it, or were part of the reason etc, which would be true! Now they shout at me, im no allowed to speak, all they do is attack me-for disrupting their lives etc...well bit weird to force me to stay alive then & continue to be in their lives when I could have been gone by now-but as you say they dont want to be implicated- or even shoulder ANY of the guilt or repsonsibilty for my death- it is pure & utter selfishness...there is no care or love that stems from their 'duty' (as they called it) to stop me -just the pure moral implications and standards on which they would then be judged by others if i did it, that is the ONLY reason.

they wouldnt have gone to jail if id ctb myself-why would they?which laws? and they knew I was going to go somewhere else once i had it - nope they just wouldnt want to have to face people; neighbours, people i know etc-and tell them what had happened as I think people would wonder why and people would be asking questions, perhaps judging them, questioning them as people too- they just didnt want to have to deal with that-that is all. I mean I even got recommened a better way 'to do it' if I really wanted to - that meant I was far away & it might not look like scde

No I think even by the police. They probably don't want to be wuestioned by the police and with good reason.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I think this is a big possibilty-even if not on a literal level- but the fact I was just staying with them prior to my death-everyone (soceity, their friends, my friends) would think they had something to do with it, or were part of the reason etc, which would be true! Now they shout at me, im no allowed to speak, all they do is attack me-for disrupting their lives etc...well bit weird to force me to stay alive then & continue to be in their lives when I could have been gone by now-but as you say they dont want to be implicated- or even shoulder ANY of the guilt or repsonsibilty for my death- it is pure & utter selfishness...there is no care or love that stems from their 'duty' (as they called it) to stop me -just the pure moral implications and standards on which they would then be judged by others if i did it, that is the ONLY reason.

they wouldnt have gone to jail if id ctb myself-why would they?which laws? and they knew I was going to go somewhere else once i had it - nope they just wouldnt want to have to face people; neighbours, people i know etc-and tell them what had happened as I think people would wonder why and people would be asking questions, perhaps judging them, questioning them as people too- they just didnt want to have to deal with that-that is all. I mean I even got recommened a better way 'to do it' if I really wanted to - that meant I was far away & it might not look like scde

From my understanding, and I may be completely wrong, if you can intervene in a CtB and you willfully choose not to, then you can be prosecuted.

Your family sounds absolutely wonderful. I have faith that they will reap their own special brand of misey.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Absolutely unable to even walk farther then 500 kilometers without getting entrapped.

What do you mean entrapped?

 

[MeltingHeart]

No I think even by the police. They probably don't want to be wuestioned by the police and with good reason.

Oh yeah thats true, I guess they would be, I was also not being entirely selfish either (as many people say the act is, obvs in part) , im just not 'getting better' as some would call it, medication doesnt do anything (anti-depressents can really only help so much - and really only for clinical type depression-not just life/ situational depression) and I know i am putting a strain on them and their lives, so I genuinely thought it would be best option for everyone- and I was going to go somewhere else to do it- so not in the house or anything, I have not been in their lives previously & unloved - so didnt have to feel guilt in that sense- and they loath me so much anyway- so in part I was thinking about them too- I would have been gone-out of the way-problem solved! Now all of us are trapped, they're stuck with me & im stuck in this life, it makes no sense. what a shit show.

 

[WhiteDespair]

they'll look for me.

I have no means, I can't go anywhere, I can't even take a real bus by myself.

Do you mean 500 kilometers or something smaller? 500 kilometers is a sizable distance.

You can't even take a bus? Did they spend your entire life keeping you dependant on them and crushing any elements of independence? If so, that makes me absolutely sick.

 

[Daniela]

[/QUOTE]

You can't even take a bus? Did they spend your entire life keeping you dependant on them and crushing any elements of independence? If so, that makes me absolutely sick.

Yep

 

[WhiteDespair]

Yep
[/QUOTE]

I can relate. That pisses me off.

Do you have any other family or friends that you can sneak away to? Maybe you can check yourself into an inpatient or something. Anything to get you out of the house and allow you to drop the hammer onto them. There are people out there who don't take kindly to the type of abuse you're going through.

Question, do THEY win if you CtB or do YOU win?

 

[MeltingHeart]

I think they would rather I literally go mad- through existing is such a state of abject despair and hopelessness-you can only feel like that before you really feel like yr starting to lose yr mind- I already do-& they would rather I lived out the rest of my days in a looney bin in misery rather than for me to have ctb ( as I most likely would have already done by now- if id had my SN) that way they can happily delude themselves that I had a mental illness all along (which they wil say is why I wanted to kill myself-not true) and would never have to examine themselves and the part that they actually played in my decision to ctb- now i having to think about hanging again-which i didnt want to do-ive tried-alot! its either that or I will eventually just snap-do something crazy and be taken away by the white coats. I was so ready to go- and actually was ready and willing to answear questions on here, after taking SN- so I could give others feedback & now I wont be able to do that either!

Yep

I can relate. That pisses me off.

Do you have any other family or friends that you can sneak away to? Maybe you can check yourself into an inpatient or something. Anything to get you out of the house and allow you to drop the hammer onto them. There are people out there who don't take kindly to the type of abuse you're going through.

Question, do THEY win if you CtB or do YOU win?
[/QUOTE]
I've got nowhere else to go-what does drop the hammer onto them mean? I certainly wouldnt say I would win in CTB, I didnt want it to have to come to this- I would have liked a future (& to have found a little contentment if not happiness)-but I know there is not one now. I would say they win-as I will finally be gone and out the way- although I know that even in passing I will be critised- for doing it; where I do it, how I do it, the hassle of arranging a funeral etc...

 

[MeltingHeart]

I can relate. That pisses me off.

Do you have any other family or friends that you can sneak away to? Maybe you can check yourself into an inpatient or something. Anything to get you out of the house and allow you to drop the hammer onto them. There are people out there who don't take kindly to the type of abuse you're going through.

Question, do THEY win if you CtB or do YOU win?
[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the sympathy <3

Right now I'm the bad guy because I'm behaving like a parasite and a mooch and everybody is ashamed and dismayed. What they want me to do is hurry up and graduate. Instead I'm hurrying up and CTB'Ing. Your sympathy may be misplaced - I don't get to blame my dysfunctional childhood at 30. I couldn't care less about blame tbh - I want to be dead by 2019 so that I don't have to witness my parents decline and live another day in the awareness this is as good as it ever going to get



So sorry for hogging the thread @MeltingHeart. I'm so sorry about your situation
[/QUOTE]
no problem. I am older than 30 and I am not a blame type person as such, but at the end of the day not to partly blame my dysfunctional childhood- would be to deny the truth- it is just plain fact that it had a huge detrimental effect on me and in turn my later life, it is widely know the long term effect adverse childhood experiences can have- in particular because these things are happening when your brain (mental functioning) and indeed sense of 'self' is literally being formed- so the effect is far more profound than having similar experiences later in life but after a stable childhood- say for example being shouted at, told you are worthless or ignored & overlook- you might be able to cope with a little of that when you are and adult and if you have a fairly robust sense of self worth- had you been able to develop one as you were being raised- but to experince those things early on-when that is all you know &have experienced, it contributes to how you see yourself and relate to world around you...the effect as im sure you will attest to can be deep & long lasting... I know that some people certainly have experinced equal and indeed worst things in their childhood than I, but some peoples nature is simply more fragile than others- or they may have been lucky enough to encounter understanding & caring people a little later on in life- that then helps them come to terms with and transcend those early experiences- but if you also go on to have other bad situtaions & experinces in life generally, especially how you are treated by other people- that can really screw you up and bring up childhood trauma all over again- as it did for me. So you are not gonna maintain yr studies them?

 

[TAW122]

I'm really sorry to hear about losing your method, that must be horrible for you. In regards to the liability and CTA (covering their ass) policies, I could see where they are coming from (though I still disagree with them), but as far as just heir ego is concerned (they didn't want to face the guilt, face the judgment by their other fellow peers/human beings), the latter reasoning is absolutely unacceptable. If you aren't able to CTB, I would at least just make their lives miserable (not encouraging anything illegal btw) because they deserve it for treating you like shit and being hypocrites (even worse), so fuck being the 'bigger person'. The whole being the bigger person is bullshit and only serves to excuse and enable the piss poor behavior of abusers and oppressors.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Yes! I need to maintain a semblance of acting normal so it distracts from strange packages arriving in this apartment

Yes watch out for that! Surely if they are very controlling & watch yr every move - they will ask about a random package? - just be careful if yr serious about wanting it.

 

[Rising Phoenix]

Do not understand how the people that have ignored me for most of my life, so that I could have been dead years ago & they wouldn't have noticed for a fair while- hve totally neglected me- and not even known where I've lived or the kind of situations I've been from a pretty young age- and clearly have no care for me - rather disdain & hatred- why did they take my SN away?! The guilt factor if I'd done it ? The fact that then other people would know how I've been mistreated/ neglected by them? They didnt like that I'd been kind of smart enough to find a method?! Why why why ??! & then still treat me with absolute disgust & disapproval - when I could have been gone by now - my troubles - And their troubles - of having me around - which causes their lives so much 'disruption' could have all been over by now! I wonder if they don't secretly regret they took it away now. But they were just acting on their instinct to disapprove of everything I do! As they always hve

I would need to know them more to find out. And sorry to hear your going through so much.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I would need to know them more to find out.

yeah i guess anyone would - i know that it is mainly out of some kind of 'moral obligation' and the judgement from others-should I have done it- whilst sort of under their care- that is all.

 

[Rising Phoenix]

yeah i guess anyone would - i know that it is mainly out of some kind of 'moral obligation' and the judgement from others-should I have done it- whilst sort of under their care- that is all.

Like virture signaling.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Like virture signaling.

I guess so in a way. Even though in the long term for literally everyone it would have been better if they had let me keep it - I could have been gone by now!!

 

[WhiteDespair]

@MeltingHeart dropping the hammer = sword of damocles = consequences catching up to someone

So, dropping the hammer would be, like, going into a psych ward and mentioning the drug lab. Hypothetical and should get the idea across.

@Daniela I can relate.

It is true. Fuck up your kid's self esteem, self confidence and self image and don't be surprised at the results.