WHY DID I STOP 18F

[idoticbrainstorming]

Last night I attempted to hang myself. It had to be partial hanging because there was no where tall enough to do it to the point of no return. I was in and out of consciousness but ended up standing up. I hate myself. I want to die so badly I don't understand why I stopped. I could've finally been dead. I probably would've. I felt very close to dying I'm so angry at myself. I would be dead by now. I wouldn't feel this way. It needs to end this is ridiculous. I've been suicidal since I was 11 I've done all the things to help. Medications,Therapists all that bullshit. None of it works. I've tried probably everything people say works and you're supposed to do. For years from 11 I tried to get better but there's a point where it's too bad. My reputation is ruined from all the attempts I've done. I need to be dead. I don't have another option that isn't just "live in pain for the rest of your life." Now I'm starting to get responsibilities because I'm basically an adult now. But all of that is ruined because of my reputation of being a dumb suicidal mess. Even when I try to move past it I can't because it always catches up to me in work and college (UK).

 

[derpyderpins]

Survival instinct is so hard to overcome. Don't beat yourself up about that. I gave up on ctb because I couldn't even get myself to scootch off the edge of a roof. Takes 2 seconds, just hold your breath and do it... well I couldn't. Partial is probably even tougher.

Reputation . . . first off doesn't really matter, and second is only in your current social circle. Also, anyone who would think poorly of you for attempting is a dumbass POS so who cares.

The impending responsibilities . . . that's a worry I get. Adulthood has a lot of tough stuff. Some people thrive in that compared to the confines of adolescence, but not everyone.

Wishing you all the best, whatever path you end up going with.