Venting Why can't I just fucking die

[NightmareTour]

Every day it just gets a little bit worse. If I was any other animal than a human being, I would have been humanely euthanized by now. But instead apparently the "ethical" choice is to let me live in constant pain every single day, being force-fed medication that makes me even more ill, while I slowly lose the ability to do anything for myself. Nobody is even making any attempt to figure out why it's getting worse.

I barely even get out of bed anymore. I haven't been outside apart from to go to hospital in over 2 months now. I don't want to go outside, I can't go outside. Standing, sitting, anything apart from laying down hurts. My head fucking hurts no matter what I do, and paracetamol or ibuprofen don't even TOUCH this kind of pain, but nobody will give me anything else. I can barely walk anymore, I'm tired, there's next to nothing I can do for myself. Fuck, I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it is, and I couldn't tell you what time it is or even whether it's day or night without checking. It's almost a miracle I can still type, and autocorrect does most of that for me.

But no, no, I can't even fucking rest. Some asshole who doesn't care in the slightest what he's done to me made sure of that. Every second I spend without some kind of meaningless distraction means reliving bits and pieces of one of the worst parts of my life over, and over, and over. He manages to find his way into my sleep most of the time, too. I lost pretty much every remaining shred of who I am thanks to him, and he's probably already doing it to someone else.

My health means that most options are totally unavailable to me, I can't really go anywhere, I probably couldn't tie a decent knot, and my medication now makes me feel sick just at the thought of eating or drinking.

I'm miserable, in pain, and have absolutely no worth to anyone or society as a whole. I'm a burden on my family, I'm making them miserable too. I just wish someone would show me the tiniest bit of empathy and put me out of my misery, because I'm probably past the point of being able to do it myself. But of course, apparently human life has to be preserved at any cost, or some shit like that, yet quality of life apparently means nothing.

Sorry for the rant, I just feel so shit, trapped and helpless, and I don't know where else I can let it out.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Let me guess, NHS? I'm so sorry. Can't you find any other specialists? Why the hell won't they put you on other pain medication? Can you try cannabis?

 

[NightmareTour]

Let me guess, NHS? I'm so sorry. Can't you find any other specialists? Why the hell won't they put you on other pain medication? Can you try cannabis?

Yeah, NHS. I used to smoke cannabis for a while, but it started giving me some pretty extreme paranoia and anxiety, so I had to stop. They stopped giving me pain meds because apparently you're not allowed to take any of them for too long because of the risk of addiction, and I think I've either had my allowed course on all of them, or they put it on file that I'm not allowed any because I had "issues" with a painkiller before. Nobody was really clear on the exact reason.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I'm kind of glad you say NHS because that means you could go private, it'll take money but they don't f around. Save up, it's worth it. I had to go private for excruciating pain caused by coming off antidepressants, went private and the first med he put me on almost completely sorted it. NHS is no longer fit for purpose IMO, it's disgusting what things have come to. There ARE long term meds for pain, don't let them BS you, they just cover their own arses while doing the bare minimum and skimp at every chance possible

 

[NightmareTour]

I'm kind of glad you say NHS because that means you could go private, it'll take money but they don't f around. Save up, it's worth it. I had to go private for excruciating pain caused by coming off antidepressants, went private and the first med he put me on almost completely sorted it. NHS is no longer fit for purpose IMO, it's disgusting what things have come to. There ARE long term meds for pain, don't let them BS you, they just cover their own arses while doing the bare minimum and skimp at every chance possible

I definitely couldn't afford private, I basically just exist on a tiny amount of benefits, and right now most of that goes towards keeping my parents afloat. I tried saving but it really didn't work out. It does seem like the only even slightly viable option with the state of the NHS now, though.

And honestly, I think they're just taking advantage of the fact that I don't have the energy to fight them anymore. I've had a couple of decent doctors who have tried fighting for me, but it ends up just amounting to nothing in the sea of bullshit. It honestly just makes things worse with the stress of having to chase everything up and argue with people.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Yeah that's exactly what I think the NHS banks on now. It forces people to fight, and the vast majority give up. Even if it's just one consultation, I'd try it, choose someone good, it makes the difference, look at reviews. I know it's a stretch on benefits but I think when you find someone with glowing reviews for your symptoms you'll find ways of saving, knowing what difference it might make to your life. No waiting 3 months for referrals, no BS about medications and tests.

What did your better doctors do to help fight for you like you say? How long has this been going on?

 

[NightmareTour]

Yeah that's exactly what I think the NHS banks on now. It forces people to fight, and the vast majority give up. Even if it's just one consultation, I'd try it, choose someone good, it makes the difference, look at reviews. I know it's a stretch on benefits but I think when you find someone with glowing reviews for your symptoms you'll find ways of saving, knowing what difference it might make to your life. No waiting 3 months for referrals, no BS about medications and tests.

What did your better doctors do to help fight for you like you say? How long has this been going on?

I might have a look around and see if I can scrape something together, if nothing else just to make sure I've covered all avenues.

I've had major issues with my health for about 10 years now, but things have been getting much worse the past year or so. I had a very serious brain infection when I was younger, I had a very good consultant afterwards who got as many appointments as she could for me with the resources she had (which wasn't a whole lot, unfortunately) but once I reached 16 she couldn't be my consultant anymore. My recent GP has been alright, I've had a few appointments, but most of those ended in getting brushed off and it just feels like too little too late.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Well then I'm really hopeful, new meds are always coming out and good doctors are better trained than ever. What a nightmare though, I'm so sorry. You've been through enough. Yet it's also wearily familiar, being brushed off all the time, the bastards sap all hope. They might try but they've been trodden on themselves by the system and also give up, and it's infectious, don't let them convince you that you need to suffer