Puddings
Member
- Feb 9, 2019
- 36
I dont post much on here, but I read the threads quite often. I suppose being shy in the "real" world extends even into the "virtual" world.
I'm quite confused about weather or not I really want to ctb or not. It's strange, I cant really explain it. When I was 17 I tried. I obviously had issues but I was very numbed out. It was very impulsive and i didn't think much about it at all. Didnt write a note, didnt think about the consequences and didnt really care about anything actually as it was very spur of the moment. Obviously I survived and walked out of hospital a couple of days later, with the label of not having serious intentions but rather that I was looking for attention. I honestly cant say if that was the case or not because in my mind I did not once consider the so called attention I would get and my family were, true to form, everything but supportive.
So for many years after that I didnt give ctb much thought. But for the last 10 years I actively think about it on a regular basis. Sometimes every day a 100 times a day and sometimes once or twice a week. But it has never really left my mind. Sometimes I see how far I can push myself by practicing different methods. Sometimes i set dates I dont stick by and sometimes I get my affairs in order and tie up loose ends. And other times I just think about it because I cant fund the energy to do anything more than just think about it.
It's like in my mind I feel like if i were to be successful, then everything will be ok. The conundrum is that then that I wont be alive to experience that much longer for feeling of everything is ok. I cant explain it properly. It's like I cant see any other way out, or any other solution to give me some quality of life but to ctb. And I have tried it all. Religion, therapy, meds, healthy habits etc. I dont just want to exist just to please others. I want to live. But I don't want to live.
Why then can I not just find the guts to get it over and done with? Why cant give myself the mercy I so badly long for? Why just daydream about it for years on end, but not actioning it? If it is hope, why do I feel so hopeless? Am I cowardly or do I actually not have any intent? And if I have no intent, why do I fantasize about it all the time?
I do know I obviously worry for things like emotional and financial as well as other consequences to some other people and that could play a part. But I am 100 percent certain that ctb will bring me such relief and I am 100 percent certain that I have tried my best, i deserve the rest and that this effect up world is not something I want to be part of. Yet...here I still am. So frustrated.
Sorry if this makes 0 sense.
I'm quite confused about weather or not I really want to ctb or not. It's strange, I cant really explain it. When I was 17 I tried. I obviously had issues but I was very numbed out. It was very impulsive and i didn't think much about it at all. Didnt write a note, didnt think about the consequences and didnt really care about anything actually as it was very spur of the moment. Obviously I survived and walked out of hospital a couple of days later, with the label of not having serious intentions but rather that I was looking for attention. I honestly cant say if that was the case or not because in my mind I did not once consider the so called attention I would get and my family were, true to form, everything but supportive.
So for many years after that I didnt give ctb much thought. But for the last 10 years I actively think about it on a regular basis. Sometimes every day a 100 times a day and sometimes once or twice a week. But it has never really left my mind. Sometimes I see how far I can push myself by practicing different methods. Sometimes i set dates I dont stick by and sometimes I get my affairs in order and tie up loose ends. And other times I just think about it because I cant fund the energy to do anything more than just think about it.
It's like in my mind I feel like if i were to be successful, then everything will be ok. The conundrum is that then that I wont be alive to experience that much longer for feeling of everything is ok. I cant explain it properly. It's like I cant see any other way out, or any other solution to give me some quality of life but to ctb. And I have tried it all. Religion, therapy, meds, healthy habits etc. I dont just want to exist just to please others. I want to live. But I don't want to live.
Why then can I not just find the guts to get it over and done with? Why cant give myself the mercy I so badly long for? Why just daydream about it for years on end, but not actioning it? If it is hope, why do I feel so hopeless? Am I cowardly or do I actually not have any intent? And if I have no intent, why do I fantasize about it all the time?
I do know I obviously worry for things like emotional and financial as well as other consequences to some other people and that could play a part. But I am 100 percent certain that ctb will bring me such relief and I am 100 percent certain that I have tried my best, i deserve the rest and that this effect up world is not something I want to be part of. Yet...here I still am. So frustrated.
Sorry if this makes 0 sense.
