why can't i fucking do something

[themisfell]

i feel so pathetic lately and i have no clue what to do with myself. i have benzos and sn but keep chickening out. i have no urge to do any schoolwork and have fallen severely behind in some of my classes, and while my professors have been so understanding and kind i still cannot will myself to even care. i feel sick. my boyfriend is disinteresting and annoys me when he never did before. i dont know what the fuck to do with myself and i think im starting to develop alcoholism as ive been drinking more and more frequently every night. i just don't know what the fuck to do. i keep stopping every second short of actually doing it and i don't know WHY when i'm this miserable and all my life prospects are so fucking awful. i'm so depressed and i'm so deeply scarred and traumatized by everything that has happened to me and i just cant even function anymore. what the fuck do i do. god i dont know what to do and it literally makes me feel like i'm bashing my head into a wall over and over and over. this is so miserable in such a visceral and almost violent way.
i quite literally am just screaming into a void right now but its because i literally feel like im just trapped and theres no way out besides just to suffer. i am feeling so much pain, even physical pain with how fucking awful i feel lately. i have NO clue what to do with myself. i don't know what else to do besides scream into this void. i guess i'm expecting advice of some sort, either on how to feel better or how to actually just do the fucking deed. i just need this to stop before i die from the splitting headache and tremors that im having right now.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really tiring and dreadful what you are going through, I get that it's so awful feeling trapped in this existence but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Nobody can really tell you what to do because you can only find the answer within yourself.
You have a way out that I would keep as plan B, in case everything goes to hell.
If I were in you I'd try to take other meds, if the benzos are not enough to make you feel better. Book an appointment with a psychiatrist and tell em what you typed in here (minus the suicide thing).
Try not to screw your school rates up.
Most important, personal advice, stay away from alcohol.
Depending on how good your relationship with your boyfriend is, you can try and talk with them too.