Why can't I find community anyhwere?

[pharma]

I am about to make a big Adult decision and keep telling the people in my life, looking for affirmation. But I feel like such a loser. I have a panick disorder and anxiety and depression and PTSD, and I feel like I'm experiencing everything all at once right now. I don't have any friends IRL that I can rely on. I'm not even the second or third choice. I seek community in online university servers but it's all these people with these inside jokes that I have to stand on the outside of. iI seek affirmation because I never had that growing up. I don't know who I am or waht I am doing, and yet I don't have a community that helps re-affirm that I am doing the right thing, that my happiness matters at all. It feels so pointless. I daydream and fantasize about being loved, getting fucked, and dying knowing that life was worth it.
I want to die knowing that I made the right choices, even if they were hard, but I can't know because I don't have anyone to hold me and tell me so. Is killing myself the right choice? I philosophize about death frequently and It's the only fair choice, because it is the one choice where you simply will not exist, and thus will not be privy to the consequences of that choice. "Your family will mourn!" I will be too dead to care. Ifi never spoke to them agian, I will live with that shame and guilt, and it is a disgusting and inhuman emotion.

 

[Ferret77]

This is pretty relatable, because I also have a lot of mental health issues/disorders and I have almost no support system, except one family member. I have a few online friends, but no irl ones either. It can be very difficult to manage every day problems all alone, especially when you see other people around you clearly have a lot of close ones to rely on.
Personally I mostly look for a community on discord servers as well, didn't have much luck either, but surprisingly I have made a few friends on this site, that have been very supportive, so don't be afraid to reach out.
About that adult decision, I'm sure you're doing the right thing. If it feels right for you, it has to be. Good luck with everything.