Why cant i do it

[kk13]

I tried cutting first, couldnt go deep. Then jumping but then my mom caught me. Now ive tried hanging and i just couldn't do it. I tied the noose and the anchor point i put my head thru it . And i used a tshirt as padding. Its not like i was really scared I prepared myself for hours but i think the anchor point was to low and i was able to back out of it cause my feet could almost touch the floor. What the fuck is wrong with me? Please tell me how i can succeed i cant live anymore im so tired i dont know where to get sn atp ill just drink bleach please i cant im so tired of this

 

[Ekim]

Same, just an hour ago I made up my mind to prepare myself for partial hanging, even putting my head into the noose. Still backing up; I don't know why I can't do this.

 

[itsgone2]

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Nothing. Many of us on here have been in the same situation. Especially standing with a noose around the neck. One step away. Can't do it.
Yet anyway. A friend on here I think finally did it. Eventually we must snap or find the courage.

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

I tried cutting first, couldnt go deep. Then jumping but then my mom caught me. Now ive tried hanging and i just couldn't do it. I tied the noose and the anchor point i put my head thru it . And i used a tshirt as padding. Its not like i was really scared I prepared myself for hours but i think the anchor point was to low and i was able to back out of it cause my feet could almost touch the floor. What the fuck is wrong with me? Please tell me how i can succeed i cant live anymore im so tired i dont know where to get sn atp ill just drink bleach please i cant im so tired of this

There is nothing "wrong" with you. Your body is doing what it was designed to do: survival instinct. I've had my head in my slipknot so many times, almost blacked out. Was even blacked out for a second or two a couple times and still managed to stop.

You're right that it's frustrating. It's like living in limbo. Sending lots of hugs.

 

[meddle]

i dont know how to overcome si. its extremely difficult to kill yourself, because you are biologicaly hardwired not to do so. so dont be too hard on yourself, buddy

and no matter how desperate you are, do not drink bleach! worst idea ever. you wont even die, but suffer chemical burns and possible liver and kidney damage. please, dont do it

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

i dont know how to overcome si. its extremely difficult to kill yourself, because you are biologicaly hardwired not to do so. so dont be too hard on yourself, buddy

and no matter how desperate you are, do not drink bleach! worst idea ever. you wont even die, but suffer chemical burns and possible liver and kidney damage. please, dont do it

Isn't it amazing how easily it is to die on accident, but incredibly difficult to die on purpose? I wonder if it's because, when you're not trying, your brain is not "on guard" for it. So there is something going on physiologically that puts you in a more vulnerable state, when you're "not trying". But, the moment you decide to kill yourself, it's like the brain goes into "defense mode", even before you take any action on it. I don't know.

 

[meddle]

Isn't it amazing how easily it is to die on accident, but incredibly difficult to die on purpose? I wonder if it's because, when you're not trying, your brain is not "on guard" for it. So there is something going on physiologically that puts you in a more vulnerable state, when you're "not trying". But, the moment you decide to kill yourself, it's like the brain goes into "defense mode", even before you take any action on it. I don't know.

yeah, probably. i was very determined to ctb, but when i got home and it was time to take sn i just couldnt do it. had to trick myself with "im not killing myself today, ill only try a little and see what it will do to my body" to make me take it, haha. and as you can see, it didnt work. well, its would have worked, but the process took much longer and i was found

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

yeah, probably. i was very determined to ctb, but when i got home and it was time to take sn i just couldnt do it. had to trick myself with "im not killing myself today, ill only try a little and see what it will do to my body" to make me take it, haha. and as you can see, it didnt work. well, its would have worked, but the process took much longer and i was found

What was it like, taking SN, and surviving?

 

[meddle]

What was it like, taking SN, and surviving?

it was pretty peaceful. the process took much longer, at some point i even thought that nothing will happen. then approximately 1.5 hours later came the symptoms, but nothing torturous. dizziness, weakness, cyanosis. just like the instructions say. i didnt panic, it wasnt a scary process (but maybe it was the effect of alprazolam, idk). and i also didnt feel nausea at all, i think its because such low dosage dont really irritate the stomach. at some point my fingers became really cold and numb and it was really hard to use my phone. i was kind of stunned, i could hear and see, but i did not really understand what was happening

my father got home, saw me being a little bit blue, lol, and called an ambulance. i remember that at first the ordinary ambulance had arrived, but when they saw me, they said that i needed intensive care, and so we waited for this intensive care team. and while we waited, the doctors were doing something to me, injecting something, dont really know what. and i remember that their actions irritated me and i was thinking "well, when will the icu team arrive?", but not because i was afraid of dying or feeling pain, but because i thought for some reason that when intencive care will arrive then they all will leave me alone, hahaha. then i remember how they brought me to their car, remember how we rode, how we arrived at the hospital. and thats it

they knew what i took, i didnt tell them, my friend did, she knew about my suicidal thoughts and i also told her about existence of sn. but as far as i understood they didnt treat me with methylene blue in icu, idk why. at least theres nothing written about it in the hospital records, so i assume that there were no methylene blue infusions for me. they treated me with hyperbaric oxygen therapy. and they also gave me an artificial ventilation. my highest methb level was 57.4%

the next day i regained consciousness and was extubated. stayed in the icu for a couple of days. then went to the psych ward and that was it

so if i ever tried to ctb again, i would use sn again

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

it was pretty peaceful. the process took much longer, at some point i even thought that nothing will happen. then approximately 1.5 hours later came the symptoms, but nothing torturous. dizziness, weakness, cyanosis. just like the instructions say. i didnt panic, it wasnt a scary process (but maybe it was the effect of alprazolam, idk). and i also didnt feel nausea at all, i think its because such low dosage dont really irritate the stomach. at some point my fingers became really cold and numb and it was really hard to use my phone. i was kind of stunned, i could hear and see, but i did not really understand what was happening

my father got home, saw me being a little bit blue, lol, and called an ambulance. i remember that at first the ordinary ambulance had arrived, but when they saw me, they said that i needed intensive care, and so we waited for this intensive care team. and while we waited, the doctors were doing something to me, injecting something, dont really know what. and i remember that their actions irritated me and i was thinking "well, when will the icu team arrive?", but not because i was afraid of dying or feeling pain, but because i thought for some reason that when intencive care will arrive then they all will leave me alone, hahaha. then i remember how they brought me to their car, remember how we rode, how we arrived at the hospital. and thats it

they knew what i took, i didnt tell them, my friend did, she knew about my suicidal thoughts and i also told her about existence of sn. but as far as i understood they didnt treat me with methylene blue in icu, idk why. at least theres nothing written about it in the hospital records, so i assume that there were no methylene blue infusions for me. they treated me with hyperbaric oxygen therapy. and they also gave me an artificial ventilation. my highest methb level was 57.4%

the next day i regained consciousness and was extubated. stayed in the icu for a couple of days. then went to the psych ward and that was it

so if i ever tried to ctb again, i would use sn again

Wow, thank you for sharing that! I'm quite intrigued. I have SN and that will by my chosen method if I am 110% sure that I want to go through with it. Not like 99% sure. Because there is usually no going back. Also, I don't want to ruin the SN I have by opening it, if I'm not 110% fixed on the idea. I got it from Amzn in 2019.

 

[OnMyWayToSomewhere2]

it was pretty peaceful. the process took much longer, at some point i even thought that nothing will happen. then approximately 1.5 hours later came the symptoms, but nothing torturous. dizziness, weakness, cyanosis. just like the instructions say. i didnt panic, it wasnt a scary process (but maybe it was the effect of alprazolam, idk). and i also didnt feel nausea at all, i think its because such low dosage dont really irritate the stomach. at some point my fingers became really cold and numb and it was really hard to use my phone. i was kind of stunned, i could hear and see, but i did not really understand what was happening

my father got home, saw me being a little bit blue, lol, and called an ambulance. i remember that at first the ordinary ambulance had arrived, but when they saw me, they said that i needed intensive care, and so we waited for this intensive care team. and while we waited, the doctors were doing something to me, injecting something, dont really know what. and i remember that their actions irritated me and i was thinking "well, when will the icu team arrive?", but not because i was afraid of dying or feeling pain, but because i thought for some reason that when intencive care will arrive then they all will leave me alone, hahaha. then i remember how they brought me to their car, remember how we rode, how we arrived at the hospital. and thats it

they knew what i took, i didnt tell them, my friend did, she knew about my suicidal thoughts and i also told her about existence of sn. but as far as i understood they didnt treat me with methylene blue in icu, idk why. at least theres nothing written about it in the hospital records, so i assume that there were no methylene blue infusions for me. they treated me with hyperbaric oxygen therapy. and they also gave me an artificial ventilation. my highest methb level was 57.4%

the next day i regained consciousness and was extubated. stayed in the icu for a couple of days. then went to the psych ward and that was it

so if i ever tried to ctb again, i would use sn again

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that. :( Do you mind sharing how much SN you took?

Isn't it amazing how easily it is to die on accident, but incredibly difficult to die on purpose? I wonder if it's because, when you're not trying, your brain is not "on guard" for it. So there is something going on physiologically that puts you in a more vulnerable state, when you're "not trying". But, the moment you decide to kill yourself, it's like the brain goes into "defense mode", even before you take any action on it. I don't know.

Yeah. =/ My SI is strong. Not sure I'll go through with it. *sigh*

 

[meddle]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you went through that. :( Do you mind sharing how much SN you took?

it wasnt very traumatic experience for me, so its totally fine! i would even say that my attempt traumatised my family more than me. and if at some point i decide to ctb again, i would definetely choose sn. at least now i know how the process looks and feels like. and i can share my experience with the others and help them decide!

at first i took 1 g, but after maybe 10 minutes i thought that it was not enough, that nothing will happen and took another 1 g. so i came to the conclusion, that 25 g is an overkill. if i wanted to ctb, i would take something like 5-10 g.

 

[meddle]

Wow, thank you for sharing that! I'm quite intrigued. I have SN and that will by my chosen method if I am 110% sure that I want to go through with it. Not like 99% sure. Because there is usually no going back. Also, I don't want to ruin the SN I have by opening it, if I'm not 110% fixed on the idea. I got it from Amzn in 2019.

yeah, there is no going back from that, so you have to be really sure you want to die. especially considering the fact that sn will deteriorate with time if it comes into contact with oxygen, so when you open it, the clock will start counting down. you want to be really sure when open sn, especially since it is so hard to obtain in many countries