Sometimes I wish I was impulsive and not such a overthinker.
I plan and I plan but so far I can only think of a few plans that actually worked.
I often think of Conrad Roy.
He died by CO.
Took his grandpa's water pump.
Pulled in a Walmart parking lot.
Let it fill in the backseat of his truck.
Even got out but then was talked into getting back in.
Boom...he's gone.
Sounds easy enough right.
I heard another story on YouTube about a young girl who opened the door as a cop walked out.
She grabbed his gun from his holster and shot herself.
How did she know she would succeed.
How was she so calm.
How was her aim so accurate.
I think on my last attempt.
I still remember the antifreeze being thick as I swallowed.
I remember going to lay down.
I never did vomit but I did pee alot.
I didn't think much of it because I do have bladder issues.
So I often wonder if I would of stuck it out would I have died.
Why is dying so hard.
Why is everyone else allowed to die but me.
Now I have to go through this all over again.
The stress and overthinking of how and when.
The anxiety and extreme distraught I'll feel if I fail.
I'm going insane.
So odd to me how I really tried to live life.
I tried medication
Therapy
Meditation
Religion
When I realized my life would be nothing more than work and home I even accepted that.
And then eventually that was put into jeopardy.
Now all I want is to die how I want...which is at home in my bed.
Is that really too much to ask.
Little update:
I did get a job.
Front Desk at a hotel
The new plan is to try my best to get to August.
And try again.
Thanks to those who comfort and educate me.
One in particular and they know who they are.
I plan and I plan but so far I can only think of a few plans that actually worked.
I often think of Conrad Roy.
He died by CO.
Took his grandpa's water pump.
Pulled in a Walmart parking lot.
Let it fill in the backseat of his truck.
Even got out but then was talked into getting back in.
Boom...he's gone.
Sounds easy enough right.
I heard another story on YouTube about a young girl who opened the door as a cop walked out.
She grabbed his gun from his holster and shot herself.
How did she know she would succeed.
How was she so calm.
How was her aim so accurate.
I think on my last attempt.
I still remember the antifreeze being thick as I swallowed.
I remember going to lay down.
I never did vomit but I did pee alot.
I didn't think much of it because I do have bladder issues.
So I often wonder if I would of stuck it out would I have died.
Why is dying so hard.
Why is everyone else allowed to die but me.
Now I have to go through this all over again.
The stress and overthinking of how and when.
The anxiety and extreme distraught I'll feel if I fail.
I'm going insane.
So odd to me how I really tried to live life.
I tried medication
Therapy
Meditation
Religion
When I realized my life would be nothing more than work and home I even accepted that.
And then eventually that was put into jeopardy.
Now all I want is to die how I want...which is at home in my bed.
Is that really too much to ask.
Little update:
I did get a job.
Front Desk at a hotel
The new plan is to try my best to get to August.
And try again.
Thanks to those who comfort and educate me.
One in particular and they know who they are.
on your new job btw. I need a new job...but I'm not the most normal looking person so I dunno how that goes. I have a job right now but I could definitely use a better one. I've tried hotels in the past but like it was for housekeeping. Texas seems like racist or something...I've been trying to get a job as a dishwasher and I was on LinkedIn last night looking and one restaurant had "lavaplatos" as the job title and it was all in Spanish. Are they like looking for Mexican/Hispanic people or something? Seems messed up. I bet the housekeepers are Mexican/Hispanic as well...or there women. 
.
