Venting Why can't I be normal

[aikou]

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who helped me fix my sleep schedule in my previous thread; seriously, it means a lot, and yes, it has improved significantly.

Anyway, I came here to vent a bit.
Ever since I could remember, I was separated from other people, mostly because my interests were rather niche, and I live in a very rural town where most of the kids during my early years didn't even have computers, so I was always regarded as the nerdy kid.
This wasn't exactly problematic; I still made a few friends that I love and talk to a lot up to this day, but I feel as I grew up, this ended up putting me in a very odd community. I was exposed to pornography from a young age and made friends with really weird people online; I only ended up cutting them from my life completely around my late 16s, and the effect of participating in these communities still affects me to this day.

As of lately, I've been saying a lot of weird and morally questionable things online under my actual username, and reality has been sinking in. I haven't worked a day of my life, I haven't attended school in nearly two years, I am addicted to pornography, and although I've made significant advances such as fixing my sleep schedule, going to the gym with some friends, and interacting with other people, I still feel like an absolute failure of a human. I've said things that I regret, both today and a few years ago.

I remember when I first left these people, everything was a lot better; I could go to school, I was feeling confident, and I wasn't a complete fucking weirdo. But if the humor I consume isn't dark, if the things I do aren't eccentric, I feel numb, I can't laugh at things most people laugh at, I always feel the need to go one step further and end up spiraling myself down rabbit holes, racism, sexism, anti-semitism, and other degenerate shit.

Speaking of rabbit holes, I've also been a lot more paranoid as of lately. I feel like I know too much; I've consumed too much conspiracy media, as stupid as that sounds, and that probably makes me even more of a fucking weirdo.

I wish I could just completely reset everything and go back to being a normal and functional human being.
If you have any advice I'd gladly welcome it, and thank you in advance if you went through the time to read all of this, it's very important to me. <3

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have an active, intense, an sped up inner life. This can make many routine connections with people feel like they are overloaded. It might be possible to pour some of that energy into a private activity such that it would then be easier to interact with others in a more natural or reflexive manner.

If you had an opportunity to play racquetball, tennis, or other physically demanding activity, you might then be able to relax more in a social encounter.

 

[aikou]

It sounds like you have an active, intense, an sped up inner life. This can make many routine connections with people feel like they are overloaded. It might be possible to pour some of that energy into a private activity such that it would then be easier to interact with others in a more natural or reflexive manner.

If you had an opportunity to play racquetball, tennis, or other physically demanding activity, you might then be able to relax more in a social encounter.

I used to play a sport when I was younger, eventually left in part due to the shitty team atmosphere but mostly because the new coach at the time was an asshole. I do consider taking other activities though, I've been thinking of studying my previous school subjects so that I have a head start if I go back to school, but that's not really physically demanding. I'm also in the gym (or was, haven't gone there for about three weeks now) but it felt pretty tiring mostly due to medication and my previously messed up sleep schedule.

 

[UnnervedCompany]

This might seem hard but have you tried just total isolation from any technology that isn't related to your life essentials. Giving all your laptops and phones to someone you trust to be stored hid for a while can be a good way to try get rid of the addictions you posses. If money is not an issue can you try going on a new area to live for a while not like a vacation but just as a way to get distracted by a new environment (or maybe a road trip). Regarding the weird jokes or behaviors I believe that can just go away by interacting with people who have behaviors you aspire to have yourself.

 

[aikou]

This might seem hard but have you tried just total isolation from any technology that isn't related to your life essentials. Giving all your laptops and phones to someone you trust to be stored hid for a while can be a good way to try get rid of the addictions you posses. If money is not an issue can you try going on a new area to live for a while not like a vacation but just as a way to get distracted by a new environment (or maybe a road trip). Regarding the weird jokes or behaviors I believe that can just go away by interacting with people who have behaviors you aspire to have yourself.

I've actually thought about total isolation from technology, I tried to stay away for three days and interacted the least as possible with it to try and fix my dopamine and attention time, maybe I could try again for longer

As for the environment, I live in a pretty diverse place and I rarely leave my hometown so it wouldn't be too hard to explore the other places out there, I probably wouldn't be able to relocate there, closest thing for me maybe would be camping. I used to do camping when I was younger with my parent's friends but my mother developed some pretty nasty back problems and we haven't gone out camping ever since, maybe I should try and bring that old tradition I guess