Why are You wanting to CTB? My story...Feel welcome to share yours...

[purplemoon]

I thought I should share a synopsis of my story as to why I want to 'catch the bus', and see if anyone else might want to share their reasons why possibly.

Here is my summary, besides having already had an NDE after overdosing many years ago & having the most phenomenal and amazing mostly happy spiritual experience, here are my biggest reasons:

• PTSD and ZERO SUPPORT from any other human beings past & present, Including my own so-called family that abandoned me (a few of them, especially my father, are half the reason I developed PTSD in the first place from their own violence and cruelty), the incompetent greedy counselors/shrinks that I paid thousands of wasted dollars to...for absolutely nothing / not yielding any positive results, very few friends over a lifetime that truly cared ( but they sure liked me when everything was perfect and easy and I had no needs and just served theirs out of empathy) or didn't try to understand why I would hide from the world or i became exhausted over things like witnessing bad tempers etc. Even though I did try so many times to ask many people to please help me, (Especially those that would thank me profusely for me being there for them they said), how funny that when I occasionally asked or needed their help in the future, they were suddenly too "busy"... I wish I could sarcastically tell them and say ... don't bother coming to my funeral, (oh wait, I don't think they would bother anyway since it might be a slight inconvenience for them or interrupt their lifestyle?)
• I've had so many experiences where I would trust people, even love them, and be so good to them, (and they would even confirm that especially in dating relationships), yet they would physically abuse me to get their way, including sexual assault, domestic violence, stealing from me, etc. and even stalking me like deranged monsters after I stood up for my rights to refuse to be abused (while they oddly told me that they loved me But we're just like parasites that used me and didn't care about my comfort or my suffering). People that have told me that I was one of the "nicest people they've ever known" and then not that long after would still use me, or not even be there for me as a friend on the phone when I was sad)... It's like the majority of human beings on this planet are so selfish, heartless, cruel, and in capable of being fair or empathic, it's disgusting and makes me sick. It's like when someone is actually nice, thoughtful, genuine, and you see for yourself that they truly are, it's like a miracle, at least here in America.
• The police have actually been very sweet to me all of my life giving me 98% warnings over traffic tickets, and well...I've even dated a few of them over the years... however, they would either cheat on me ( saying things like "she didn't mean anything to me, she's nothing really, you're the one I love and want to come home to" etc. ) or become abusive themselves, including a homicide detective that lied to me about him being married the whole time and told me saying he "wanted to be with me forever". Then they blame the victim when i'm crying and say "there's help out there you could get counseling", and I looked at them and my ex-boyfriend like seriously?!? (You're the one who's ex-wife accuse you of domestic violence, then you almost ran me over with your car on purpose, and then screamed that you don't want me to leave you? And you're the police? They're held to a higher standard and yet only half of them should have the honor of a badge ). I can't trust them either, although I still respect most of them and like them, But they're the one group of people that I've looked looked up to my whole life and I feel like they don't care enough to just talk to me, They just want to spend one minute doing an instant easy conclusion of "just go get counseling"; I tried to talk to one in the recent past after reaching out that it just doesn't work in reality, and please stop being brainwashed, wake up! Many people (Regardless of their career choice obviously, all over the country) these theories, but they don't work in reality. They are just illusions. I've already tried the so-called theory of help and support, and you have to pay them, and even when you do...it's not even much help at all. So it's like what's the point?
• Society in America generally speaking has very few kind people, most people are selfish, rude, and heartless users/predators, and there's so little love or goodness here, it has no safety nets, and people say they "care"...when I told someone I was suicidal and can't take it anymore, all she could say was well there's help out there. When I explain to her I've already tried "help" for many many years, various medications, different shrinks etc., and it doesn't help unless someone is my friend and does she want to be my friend possibly and do coffee? She said no but I could "go pay a counselor". It's like really? These people that say "oh don't kill yourself, there's help out there, but then they themselves don't do anything REAL for anyone". It's like If you're going to sit there and say "oh people shouldn't commit suicide" but then you don't do anything to help give them the REAL help & support that they actually need that might help them feel less suicidal (Kindness, goodness, a real friend etc.), then what does that show about their character?!? There was an acquaintance friend of mine that was suicidal back when I was about 23 years old, and while I'm on the fence and I'm not a pro-lifer either, I actually helped her so much she said that she changed her mind and stayed alive. It wasn't even that difficult; I called her a few times a week, went out with her once a week for a couple of hours at a time, and just talked to her genuinely and showed her that I actually cared and valued her. She chose to stay alive, that was her choice.... But my point is, Well I can only speak for myself, if I had a good family in the first place, if I had a spouse I could count on in the first place, if I had actual real friends that truly cared be on themselves, and I actually had quality genuine support, I don't know that I would be suicidal right now. It's when I just can't take it anymore, on top of having nobody and nothing, and my own sister doesn't care if I'm on the streets, what is the point of suffering on top of everything else?!?
• Brief homelessness that could happen to me again within the next few weeks, I don't know. As a woman, that is beyond terrifying daily and it feels like it's just too much for me. I don't judge people who use drugs, but I cannot be around the chaos. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't even smoke cigarettes, and I'm terrified of unpredictable people surrounded by constant violence. I pay taxes to the US government my whole life faithfully, whether I agree or not, and they don't care what happens to me either. It's like no matter who I am good to my whole life...my own family, my friends, my ex's that obsessed over me yet only want me if/when I tolerate their cheating and control (i refuse to be anyone's slave), my government (what a bunch of lazy jerks), my own community/society ...the majority of people still don't care at all. On top of physical pain and PTSD, why would I want to continue to keep suffering with absolutely no hope in sight??!??
• Look at Finland and their government...they're just human beings, yet they found a solution to homelessness and other types of suffering in their country; to them it is unthinkable to allow anyone, much less a woman alone, to be endangered and lose their minds on dangerous streets and starve to death slowly. They did it, they succeeded, so why can't our country and our government? Why is everyone so insistent that they don't do anything nice for anyone but themselves? Is that America? So much to be proud of, so much to cry over. There's so much cruelty in this society, and I suppose different types of cruelty in other societies, but I can no longer remain here. It doesn't matter why things are the way they are to those in power with authority (So long as they personally don't feel it or are affected), or if you tell me that's how humans are, or as i believe that it's evil working through people's selfishness and weaknesses, I just can't take it anymore. And I deserve better. I deserve so much better than this horrifying life.

So my question for anyone who wants to answer...do you understand what I just shared?

What are your thoughts?



And if you want to share, what are your reasons for wanting to say goodbye to this world??

And to anyone who says it's 'selfish' for me to commit suicide and free my spirit from this horrific realm, I say they are actually the selfish ones for wanting me to stay here and keep suffering...

I love myself and consider myself very worthy of much better conditions, and it is because I love myself that I want to free myself from this mortal coil...

Some people might say life should be valued, or maybe your life is valuable, but my life and my reality is like an invisible prison that just never got better only worse... I just want to be free from it all again.

So I say, speak for yourself, maybe your life is wonderful, but mine never has been, and I know how wonderful it is to be free from this realm and world.

I have so much love inside my soul, no evil can extinguish my inner light, but I've tried to be good to so many in this world, and for all of the people that I rescued, where are you now? Where is my rescue?

I know that for myself, Jesus Christ has all the love ❤ that I will ever want or need for my existence, and that's where I'm going, I'm going home again soon...

 

[Rachel74]

Mine is due to 22 years off having bipolar, personality disorder and now chronic fatigue syndrome.

 

[metalchic_74]

I've had depression most of my life. My mother abandoned me when I was 6 years old. My father never paid any attention to me. I was sexually abused by my babysitters son. I've had 3 failed marriages. My mental illness took a turn for the worst 2 years ago. I've been hospitalized numerous times finally diagnosed bipolar. I lost my job, my home, most of my friends. I had to apply for disability and moved in with my retired parents ( I'm 45) I had to file bankruptcy because I maxed out all my credit cards and my car got repossessed. I feel like a complete loser. I have 3 kids that I don't ever get to see. I've become agoraphobic, isolated from the world. I have severe insomnia and constant anxiety. I go days without taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I'm on 4 different medications so feel so numb. I absolutely hate my life. I hate myself, I hate being alive every minute of every day. I can't imagine living like this the rest of my life. I really want to CTB before the New Year. I feel bad for my family. I know they will talk shit, call me selfish etc! I'm planning either hanging or SN. I'm new on this forum and really wish I had someone to talk to that can relate

 

[purplemoon]

I've had depression most of my life. My mother abandoned me when I was 6 years old. My father never paid any attention to me. I was sexually abused by my babysitters son. I've had 3 failed marriages. My mental illness took a turn for the worst 2 years ago. I've been hospitalized numerous times finally diagnosed bipolar. I lost my job, my home, most of my friends. I had to apply for disability and moved in with my retired parents ( I'm 45) I had to file bankruptcy because I maxed out all my credit cards and my car got repossessed. I feel like a complete loser. I have 3 kids that I don't ever get to see. I've become agoraphobic, isolated from the world. I have severe insomnia and constant anxiety. I go days without taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I'm on 4 different medications so feel so numb. I absolutely hate my life. I hate myself, I hate being alive every minute of every day. I can't imagine living like this the rest of my life. I really want to CTB before the New Year. I feel bad for my family. I know they will talk shit, call me selfish etc! I'm planning either hanging or SN. I'm new on this forum and really wish I had someone to talk to that can relate

You're not selfish, you have been severely hurt. I'm sad for your suffering and i hope maybe somehow you can get what you need for healing... but no matter what, it seems you have survived so much more than they realize.
You are not a 'loser', you are a unique soul that should be cherished, period.

The truth is the truth... whether they realize it or not.
Hugs.

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

Hey after you've made so much effort with this text and much of what you've written is true, I just wanted to write you my thoughts about it.

• PTSD and ZERO SUPPORT from any other human beings past & present, Including my own so-called family that abandoned me (a few of them, especially my father, are half the reason I developed PTSD in the first place from their own violence and cruelty)

I've seen families destroy the lives of their own children so many times that i think it's important to live ones own life as early as possible and if the family is a burden to break off the contact completely. Unfortunately, until someone can take care of himself and leave the family so much time has passed and psychological damage has been done that he'll have problems with it all his life. Many see themselves as someone's son/daughter brother/sister and want to keep up the contact at any price and continue to play their role. But family members are just some random people we didn't choose and we have to make ourself independent from them as soon as possible. I've often experienced how boys had suffered when their sisters were once again caught by guys they just wanted to bang and then played the victims. If they had understood that even their own sister is just a woman like any other and they first have to earn that they are a part of their brothers lives they would have been much better. Have countless such examples, but you have obviously experienced a lot of suffering yourself from people who call themselves your family even though they have treated you worse than strangers would ever do.

• I've had so many experiences where I would trust people, even love them, and be so good to them, (and they would even confirm that especially in dating relationships), yet they would physically abuse me to get their way, including sexual assault, domestic violence,

If this happens to you over and over again then it may be because you are looking for men who treat you badly, as you have experienced this in your childhood from your father and you look for such men, for whatever reason. The father is the first man in the life of a woman and has an immense influence on her. I know even several women who were sexually abused as children and married men who are pedophile and are really disgusting pigs. In the beginning most men are nice and deceive the opposite of what they are, but with a bit of human knowledge you can see through it. At least i can, maybe it is easier for me because i am a man myself and know how we are.

It's like the majority of human beings on this planet are so selfish, heartless, cruel, and in capable of being fair or empathic, it's disgusting and makes me sick. It's like when someone is actually nice, thoughtful, genuine, and you see for yourself that they truly are, it's like a miracle, at least here in America.

Absolutely right, humans are predators. To have a big heart is a death sentence because the nice ones simply die. You can't get far with friendliness, but you have to be taught that by your parents as a child. They have to show their children that they have to have self-respect and not let others hurt them. People only respect the strong ones and those who stand up for themselves. Unconsciously, you have chosen exactly such men and that is completely normal. Just as it is normal for us men that is most important to us as a woman looks like.

• The police have actually been very sweet to me all of my life giving me 98% warnings over traffic tickets, and well...I've even dated a few of them over the years... I can't trust them either, although I still respect most of them and like them, But they're the one group of people that I've looked looked up to my whole life and I feel like they don't care enough to just talk to me

I have some acquaintances who are police officers and always thought those who trust the police are their easiest victims. What you write confirms my guess.

• It's when I just can't take it anymore, on top of having nobody and nothing,

Yes you do not survive alone. You can not do everything alone. At some point the energy goes out. I see it myself on my work. There are all married and they go home to a woman they love. They fill up in the evening and on the weekend energy. they know for what they are tormenting every day. It is not enough to just work to increase the account balance on the bank account.

• Brief homelessness that could happen to me again within the next few weeks, I don't know. As a woman, that is beyond terrifying daily and it feels like it's just too much for me.

Can understand that you are afraid of it. Hope you can somehow avert that.

• So my question for anyone who wants to answer...do you understand what I just shared?

Yes, even if I do not understand why you wasted your time with guys who obviously did not deserve it. If you had come to the right, then everything would have been completely different. For me, it sounds like they have a big stake in you being here now. But I am not perfect myself and had already been fooled. Nobody is safe from that.

And if you want to share, what are your reasons for wanting to say goodbye to this world??

I am disappointed by myself. I have become a person i never wanted to be and because of that something inside me broke and now i don't function anymore. In former times i had so much power and energy. I could work all day on the construction site and in the evening i went to training. Now after work i just lie around. Also on weekends.

 

[Lord Taco]

Mine is simple. Cancer will take me, so I am trying to beat the Big C to the punch before the real pain shows up and decimates me.

That said.. I'm having a hard time trying to end it.. Will Power is far too high and making the Final Exit very, very difficult to follow through.

 

[Aleksandar]

Lived alone, found one person. My soul and my world was that person. 10 years of having purpose in life ended in one week with no particular reason. 3 months later im not living, im surviving. Everything is forced, everything is grey i just want out. Got the SN, waiting for the rest to end this misery. For once i want to do smth for myself. Cant wait.

 

[justanotherday]

I've had depression most of my life. My mother abandoned me when I was 6 years old. My father never paid any attention to me. I was sexually abused by my babysitters son. I've had 3 failed marriages. My mental illness took a turn for the worst 2 years ago. I've been hospitalized numerous times finally diagnosed bipolar. I lost my job, my home, most of my friends. I had to apply for disability and moved in with my retired parents ( I'm 45) I had to file bankruptcy because I maxed out all my credit cards and my car got repossessed. I feel like a complete loser. I have 3 kids that I don't ever get to see. I've become agoraphobic, isolated from the world. I have severe insomnia and constant anxiety. I go days without taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I'm on 4 different medications so feel so numb. I absolutely hate my life. I hate myself, I hate being alive every minute of every day. I can't imagine living like this the rest of my life. I really want to CTB before the New Year. I feel bad for my family. I know they will talk shit, call me selfish etc! I'm planning either hanging or SN. I'm new on this forum and really wish I had someone to talk to that can relate

wow, my situation is similar to yours. I lost my nice apartment , beautiful furniture, a classic car... I lost all of my passions in this world. They have all been stripped from me. I don't want yo be alive.

 

[purplemoon]

Hey after you've made so much effort with this text and much of what you've written is true, I just wanted to write you my thoughts about it.

I've seen families destroy the lives of their own children so many times that i think it's important to live ones own life as early as possible and if the family is a burden to break off the contact completely. Unfortunately, until someone can take care of himself and leave the family so much time has passed and psychological damage has been done that he'll have problems with it all his life. Many see themselves as someone's son/daughter brother/sister and want to keep up the contact at any price and continue to play their role. But family members are just some random people we didn't choose and we have to make ourself independent from them as soon as possible. I've often experienced how boys had suffered when their sisters were once again caught by guys they just wanted to bang and then played the victims. If they had understood that even their own sister is just a woman like any other and they first have to earn that they are a part of their brothers lives they would have been much better. Have countless such examples, but you have obviously experienced a lot of suffering yourself from people who call themselves your family even though they have treated you worse than strangers would ever do.


If this happens to you over and over again then it may be because you are looking for men who treat you badly, as you have experienced this in your childhood from your father and you look for such men, for whatever reason. The father is the first man in the life of a woman and has an immense influence on her. I know even several women who were sexually abused as children and married men who are pedophile and are really disgusting pigs. In the beginning most men are nice and deceive the opposite of what they are, but with a bit of human knowledge you can see through it. At least i can, maybe it is easier for me because i am a man myself and know how we are.



Absolutely right, humans are predators. To have a big heart is a death sentence because the nice ones simply die. You can't get far with friendliness, but you have to be taught that by your parents as a child. They have to show their children that they have to have self-respect and not let others hurt them. People only respect the strong ones and those who stand up for themselves. Unconsciously, you have chosen exactly such men and that is completely normal. Just as it is normal for us men that is most important to us as a woman looks like.



I have some acquaintances who are police officers and always thought those who trust the police are their easiest victims. What you write confirms my guess.



Yes you do not survive alone. You can not do everything alone. At some point the energy goes out. I see it myself on my work. There are all married and they go home to a woman they love. They fill up in the evening and on the weekend energy. they know for what they are tormenting every day. It is not enough to just work to increase the account balance on the bank account.



Can understand that you are afraid of it. Hope you can somehow avert that.



Yes, even if I do not understand why you wasted your time with guys who obviously did not deserve it. If you had come to the right, then everything would have been completely different. For me, it sounds like they have a big stake in you being here now. But I am not perfect myself and had already been fooled. Nobody is safe from that.



I am disappointed by myself. I have become a person i never wanted to be and because of that something inside me broke and now i don't function anymore. In former times i had so much power and energy. I could work all day on the construction site and in the evening i went to training. Now after work i just lie around. Also on weekends.

Thank you, your words were very insightful and I'm actually help me as I reflect on them. I appreciate everyone's input of course. But you help me realize something a little bit better; you're right...in a way my family is just like a group of strangers that I was born into.

I appreciate it.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but just reading what you wrote about becoming someone you never wanted to be, I don't know the details, however, I do know that it requires maturity to be able to even say that and to be so humble. So if anything that shows that you are mature... at least it seems so.

 

[RestingGirl23]

I'll keep my story short. I've never felt a true connection with anyone. I always feel like my friendships are superficial and no one sticks around once they get to know me a bit better. I don't matter to my family since they love children and are focused on the new kiddos of the family and I'm just kind of there. I don't hate children but I feel like I can't relate with my relatives since most of them are in a different stage of their life than mine.

I'm hopefully starting a job career but once a get a normal 9 to 5 job then what? Live the rest of my life working and go home with nothing to look forward too. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet, and I'm about to turn 23. Might as well die young before I grow old to be a cat lady.

 

[iamfineha]

Lived alone, found one person. My soul and my world was that person. 10 years of having purpose in life ended in one week with no particular reason. 3 months later im not living, im surviving. Everything is forced, everything is grey i just want out. Got the SN, waiting for the rest to end this misery. For once i want to do smth for myself. Cant wait.

Did he just left without telling you why?
Such a jerk, you should pay someone to beat him up

 

[Aleksandar]

Did he just left without telling you why?
Such a jerk, you should pay someone to beat him up

Its a she. She didnt like that im depressed, she didnt like that im not social enough... Idk bunch of half ass reasons that might be worthy to cut out the 2-3 months relationship. But not this, not like this...

 

[lymbo]

I'll keep my story short. I've never felt a true connection with anyone. I always feel like my friendships are superficial and no one sticks around once they get to know me a bit better. I don't matter to my family since they love children and are focused on the new kiddos of the family and I'm just kind of there. I don't hate children but I feel like I can't relate with my relatives since most of them are in a different stage of their life than mine.

I'm hopefully starting a job career but once a get a normal 9 to 5 job then what? Live the rest of my life working and go home with nothing to look forward too. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet, and I'm about to turn 23. Might as well die young before I grow old to be a cat lady.

l wll be glad to date you but hope 31 ys not too old for you, PM me

 

[Alessa]

This might sound silly, but as I read your posts, I started to cry.
Iam very grateful, that I've found a community like his, as I was searching for something like that for a long time.
But I also think, that its so sad to read all of your posts on this platform. Iam all by myself, had ever been, except for my mother I've got to admit.
This is the first time, I truly feel, that Iam not alone out there. So many of you are suffering, what makes me cry, crying for so much pain, we all have to bear, but also crying that I can finally speak to people, that do understand and know how it feels like to be at this point of no return.
You don't deserve to suffer and I wished we could all stand together, not only as users spread over the whole wide world.

Concerning myself... I don't know where to start. I will tell you, if you're interested, but it will take a lot of time writing all of this down.

 

[Nem]

I've had depression (bipolar-ish) and I was doing fine until I met my controlling ex. That literally screwed me over and demanded we quit weed among other shit and then demanded I keep taking shit meds that almost killed me and left me with severe freakin damage. I've been suicidal ever since the reaction and it's been a nightmare
Peace/hugs

 

[MourningHeart]

Lived alone, found one person. My soul and my world was that person. 10 years of having purpose in life ended in one week with no particular reason. 3 months later im not living, im surviving. Everything is forced, everything is grey i just want out. Got the SN, waiting for the rest to end this misery. For once i want to do smth for myself. Cant wait.

Almost the same reason for me.

Found the one and only woman i love more than anything i can even imagine, my very soulmate. 7 years having a life that was finally worth being lived, that has a meaning. We are meant for each other. But now, for no particulary reason as she says, she just cheated on me, submitted divorce, quits her job and will move to a new guy in another city probably this december. Happy Xmas!

I dedicated all of my live to her, everything i had at all time and she knows that very well.

Now, im just waiting for my SN to arrive and need to get the other meds somehow to end all of this suffering.

I talked to her and she knows that i will commit suicide. She understands that because she knows how much i love her and how much it hurts me while others wouldnt care.

Im apologize i cant express my feelings and my whole story correctly as english is not my native language (im german). Im even way too exhausted to try it now. There would be so much more i could write about, its insane what happens here. People say she went crazy. Maybe i just f***ed things up too long since im depressive myself.

 

[Misanthropic Soul]

People = Shit. Yeah, that's about it.

 

[Alessa]

hey mourningheart,
tut mir leid, dass du solch eine Erfahrung gemacht hast. Liebe kann echt zum Kotzen sein.
Bin auch schon oft verletzte worden, und immer heißt es, dass auch das zum Leben dazu gehöre. Wenn man darüber nachdenkt, was Liebe eigentlich ist und dieses Thema auch wissenschaftlich hinterfragt, kann das noch frustrierender sein.
Jeder entschließt sich aus unterschiedlichen Gründen, seinem Leben zu entfliehen. Bei mir sinds zwar keine, die die Liebe in erster linie betreffen, aber ich kann mir gut vorstellen, dass das einen so sehr aus der Bahn werfen kann, dass man keine Energie mehr hat, weiterzumachen.

 

[MourningHeart]

hey mourningheart,
tut mir leid, dass du solch eine Erfahrung gemacht hast. Liebe kann echt zum Kotzen sein.
Bin auch schon oft verletzte worden, und immer heißt es, dass auch das zum Leben dazu gehöre. Wenn man darüber nachdenkt, was Liebe eigentlich ist und dieses Thema auch wissenschaftlich hinterfragt, kann das noch frustrierender sein.
Jeder entschließt sich aus unterschiedlichen Gründen, seinem Leben zu entfliehen. Bei mir sinds zwar keine, die die Liebe in erster linie betreffen, aber ich kann mir gut vorstellen, dass das einen so sehr aus der Bahn werfen kann, dass man keine Energie mehr hat, weiterzumachen.

Danke für dein Mitgefühl Alessa,

es stimmt, jeder hat in seinem Leben etwas anderes, das wichtig erscheint. Ich habe zB seit Jahren noch andere 'Probleme', aber keines, wegen dem (oder besser für das) ich sterben wollen würde. Ohne meine Frau allerdings, seh ich keinen Sinn mehr im Leben, außer dahinzuvegetieren. Vor dem Tod habe ich keine Angst. Was hält mich noch hier? Nichts.

 

[Alessa]

Ja... Das ist einfach nur traurig. Man hat auch keine Hoffnung mehr, sieht keine Zukunft. Ich bin am gleichen Punkt und wills schnell hinter mich bringen.
Naja, dürfen wir uns hier eigentlich auf Deutsch unterhalten? Man wird hier relativ schnell verwarnt...

 

[Misanthropic Soul]

Naja, dürfen wir uns hier eigentlich auf Deutsch unterhalten? Man wird hier relativ schnell verwarnt...

Hoffentlich schon
(komme aus München btw)

 

[purplemoon]

This might sound silly, but as I read your posts, I started to cry.
Iam very grateful, that I've found a community like his, as I was searching for something like that for a long time.
But I also think, that its so sad to read all of your posts on this platform. Iam all by myself, had ever been, except for my mother I've got to admit.
This is the first time, I truly feel, that Iam not alone out there. So many of you are suffering, what makes me cry, crying for so much pain, we all have to bear, but also crying that I can finally speak to people, that do understand and know how it feels like to be at this point of no return.
You don't deserve to suffer and I wished we could all stand together, not only as users spread over the whole wide world.

Concerning myself... I don't know where to start. I will tell you, if you're interested, but it will take a lot of time writing all of this down.

thank you Alessa...
Yes, it seems many of us can relate to each other on here. Definitely, feel free to share whatever you'd like here, or you can PM me, or whatever you are comfortable with. Thank you for your sympathy.

And yes, you're not alone in that feeling of exasperation or depression.

Almost the same reason for me.

Found the one and only woman i love more than anything i can even imagine, my very soulmate. 7 years having a life that was finally worth being lived, that has a meaning. We are meant for each other. But now, for no particulary reason as she says, she just cheated on me, submitted divorce, quits her job and will move to a new guy in another city probably this december. Happy Xmas!

I dedicated all of my live to her, everything i had at all time and she knows that very well.

Now, im just waiting for my SN to arrive and need to get the other meds somehow to end all of this suffering.

I talked to her and she knows that i will commit suicide. She understands that because she knows how much i love her and how much it hurts me while others wouldnt care.

Im apologize i cant express my feelings and my whole story correctly as english is not my native language (im german). Im even way too exhausted to try it now. There would be so much more i could write about, its insane what happens here. People say she went crazy. Maybe i just f***ed things up too long since im depressive myself.

something similar like that happened to me years ago, it threw me on a path of brokenness even more broken than I was previously, because like you, it was finally something to make life worth at all. It was a relationship that I finally felt was what I could actually feel happiness in life again for. I found out I was being cheated on the whole time, and I feel like I gave last part of my youth and most vital energy.

it was the grand finale of losing the last bit of faith or hope that I had in love beyond friendship. I feel like many people or just parasites using each other. But they're only devoted to their need of you, at least so it seems.
I know there are exceptions out there, marriages that actually last and are mostly happy and very real, and I don't understand why so many of us can't find it ourselves. I'm sorry for your loss.

my German is rusty, but I've always enjoyed visiting Deutschland.

 

[c824767]

1 I hate myself.
2 I am old, fat and ugly.
3 I am bad company.
4 I do not have financial resources to last into old age.
5 I hate this planet.
6 I hate it when the sun comes up.
7 I hate that humans have not eradicated poverty.
8 I hate the way humans fight dirty.
9 I hate the cult of optimism.
10 I hate that the mentally ill are not included in assisted death legislation.
11 I hate that I have so much hate in me.
12 I hate elections.
13 I hate wanting to be dead.

 

[HatiusFlavius]

I don't have the greatest reasons. I'm not even sure that I want to go through with it. I have schizoaffective disorder and it has made the last year and a half hell for me, but the psychotic part is under control as of recent. The problem is the "mixed" episodes and depressive episodes. I have wanted to die for months now because I just cannot handle the hopelessness and self hate anymore. I've attempted twice this past year. I don't have the energy or will anymore to try to improve myself.

I know it isn't a good thing, to give up when there are clearly ways out for me. But I find the entire idea just unappealing. For me suicide might as well be the easiest way out. I'm currently watching myself waste my life away. I'm in college but going is hard and when deadlines approach I'm like, I don't care enough to do anything besides sleep the day away. I might as well not go and drop out. Therapy and medication for the depression aren't working and I've started and restarted numerous times without much progress, and any progress I do make just gets reversed easily. Because I am a weak person. I am not good at anything. I am not competent. The only thing I'm genuinely good at is ruminating and hating myself. I wasn't raised terribly but I wasn't really raised, so I'm kind of not much of a person. Just there.

My originally aims have basically become unattainable in my current state that doesn't appear to be changing. So now I'm just kinda floating aimlessly and don't want to find any aim. I have dug myself into a hole and I don't want out of it besides dying. Again I know, throwing away your life when there are outs is bad. That's why I might not go through with it. But on the other hand I am a very stubborn person resistant to change. I don't even have it that bad. I have plenty of people that care about me, so I am lucky in that regard. But they are all wrong for caring about me, because the truth is, I am worthless.

 

[purplemoon]

1 I hate myself.
2 I am old, fat and ugly.
3 I am bad company.
4 I do not have financial resources to last into old age.
5 I hate this planet.
6 I hate it when the sun comes up.
7 I hate that humans have not eradicated poverty.
8 I hate the way humans fight dirty.
9 I hate the cult of optimism.
10 I hate that the mentally ill are not included in assisted death legislation.
11 I hate that I have so much hate in me.
12 I hate elections.
13 I hate wanting to be dead.

Thank you for sharing. You know what I hate? I hate that in all likelihood you're a wonderful human being, but you are not appreciated the way you should be. I hate that so many people, including myself, have to feel so upset because of not being skinny, when what's on the inside is more important than anything else. I hate that there's so many stupid people that make good people feel so sad in this world. I hate that anybody has to worry and have this constant pressure of not having enough money. Stupid damn money that is not based on someone's real worth.

I hate that good people like us feel compelled to be on here desperately reaching, when we should all be in a beautiful place instead.

I hate that there are so many people that label others mentally ill when in fact, most of those other people don't understand that we just don't want to sell ourselves out anymore to a system of illusions that keeps us enslaved.

I hate that the evil in this world ever makes good people doubt themselves or to create suffering in the innocent. I hope that you know that you are worth so much more than what this world tells you.

Don't listen to the world. Listen to the truth.

The truth is you, and we, are so much better than what we are shown in this realm.

 

[iamfineha]

Its a she. She didnt like that im depressed, she didnt like that im not social enough... Idk bunch of half ass reasons that might be worthy to cut out the 2-3 months relationship. But not this, not like this...

Im sorry that i just intuisively thought its a he. I always thought it was easier for men, in my own case and most of the cases i heard. My bad i was wrong.

Dont blame all this on yourself, you are not that bad otherwise she would not fall in love with you, she saw something good in you, maybe one day someone will see the same thing , and its only 3 months after the broke up, if possible maybe try to live a little bit longer like 1 year to see if things change or not ?

 

[purplemoon]

I don't have the greatest reasons. I'm not even sure that I want to go through with it. I have schizoaffective disorder and it has made the last year and a half hell for me, but the psychotic part is under control as of recent. The problem is the "mixed" episodes and depressive episodes. I have wanted to die for months now because I just cannot handle the hopelessness and self hate anymore. I've attempted twice this past year. I don't have the energy or will anymore to try to improve myself.

I know it isn't a good thing, to give up when there are clearly ways out for me. But I find the entire idea just unappealing. For me suicide might as well be the easiest way out. I'm currently watching myself waste my life away. I'm in college but going is hard and when deadlines approach I'm like, I don't care enough to do anything besides sleep the day away. I might as well not go and drop out. Therapy and medication for the depression aren't working and I've started and restarted numerous times without much progress, and any progress I do make just gets reversed easily. Because I am a weak person. I am not good at anything. I am not competent. The only thing I'm genuinely good at is ruminating and hating myself. I wasn't raised terribly but I wasn't really raised, so I'm kind of not much of a person. Just there.

My originally aims have basically become unattainable in my current state that doesn't appear to be changing. So now I'm just kinda floating aimlessly and don't want to find any aim. I have dug myself into a hole and I don't want out of it besides dying. Again I know, throwing away your life when there are outs is bad. That's why I might not go through with it. But on the other hand I am a very stubborn person resistant to change. I don't even have it that bad. I have plenty of people that care about me, so I am lucky in that regard. But they are all wrong for caring about me, because the truth is, I am worthless.

I'm sorry you're going through that.
Is it possible that part of it might be if you try your best but then it fails anyway, that would be even more devastating than failure for not trying?
I could be wrong, please pardon me if I am.
I hope that it all somehow works out for you, since you're not sure if you want to ctb.

Maybe that means you have a chance, maybe that means that it's just a very difficult period for you. Regardless, I wish you the very best.

 

[iamfineha]

Almost the same reason for me.

Found the one and only woman i love more than anything i can even imagine, my very soulmate. 7 years having a life that was finally worth being lived, that has a meaning. We are meant for each other. But now, for no particulary reason as she says, she just cheated on me, submitted divorce, quits her job and will move to a new guy in another city probably this december. Happy Xmas!

I dedicated all of my live to her, everything i had at all time and she knows that very well.

Now, im just waiting for my SN to arrive and need to get the other meds somehow to end all of this suffering.

I talked to her and she knows that i will commit suicide. She understands that because she knows how much i love her and how much it hurts me while others wouldnt care.

Im apologize i cant express my feelings and my whole story correctly as english is not my native language (im german). Im even way too exhausted to try it now. There would be so much more i could write about, its insane what happens here. People say she went crazy. Maybe i just f***ed things up too long since im depressive myself.

Maybe shes not your soulmate, the right one will not leave you in pain like this, the right one definately will not stand there and see u suffer.
If you believe she is your soulmate, why not try to hang in there a little bit longer, maybe one day she changes her mind, or you change yours

 

[Dwilson1217]

I'm going to respond to others later.


But my reasons are that my heart is just broken. I too found a relationship that gave me a reason to live and after 6 years she just decided that I wasn't worth it anymore.


I guess i don't feel like I am worth it and that she is right. It's been months now and I'm just still as sad as the day it happens. She has already found someone else and I just keep thinking about that constantly.


Fuck her, but fuck me too, I want to fucking die.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I have bipolar depression which makes me miserable. I have OCD which makes me neurotic. Consumed by Severe and constant overwhelming feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness. I am extremely self-destructive in nature and can't seem to overcome it. I am an alcoholic and crystal methamphetamine addict who can't get clean and sober because I am too mentally damaged and emotionally weak.. I am 30 years old and still live at home with my parents cause I am a loser and a failure. I can't drive due to anxiety. I've had my heart broken and my soul crushed by two different women that I was passionately in love with. I've experienced the decay and death of two long-term romantic relationships that ended because of my mental illnesses and substance abuse.

I am deeply unhappy and if I can't be happy I don't see the point in continuing to live in this ugly world just to suffer and slowly kill myself with substance abuse/ self-mutilation. I also can't stand the thought of being a wage-slave at a job I hate just to make money. I'd rather kill myself than subject myself to that.