Discussion Why are you still holding off?

[pringle6066]

I've been thinking of ctb more than usual for the past month or so, but i've always held off for two reasons:
1. if i'm not in a stable financial/personal situation by the time i'm 30, i've promised myself that that will be my cutoff.
2. i almost want to live as long as i can to see how much worse the world can get. everything is already so stacked against me and my generation, and obviously it's only going to get worse before it gets better, so i'm curious to see how bad it can get during my lifetime.

 

[Raminiki]

1. False hopes that things will change for the better if I wait long enough and keep trying.
2. Empty promises that I wait in vain to be fulfilled by others.
3. My life is not objectively that bad, maybe I need more excuse.
4. I've saved a lot and don't think anyone should get to profit from my death, but I haven't the means to spend it since lockdown.
5. Guilt. I know who will be most devastated and they don't deserve to be hurt by my loss. At the same time, others don't deserve to have me here.

 

[pringle6066]

1. False hopes that things will change for the better if I wait long enough and keep trying.
2. Empty promises that I wait in vain to be fulfilled by others.
3. My life is not objectively that bad, maybe I need more excuse.
4. I've saved a lot and don't think anyone should get to profit from my death, but I haven't the means to spend it since lockdown.
5. Guilt. I know who will be most devastated and they don't deserve to be hurt by my loss. At the same time, others don't deserve to have me here.

i used to feel guilty about wanting to ctb, because of who would be hurt, but i've realized that they are a big reason why i want to die. these days though, i've realized that i am good enough as i am, and that there are people out there who would love me unconditionally, and i the same for them.

as for false hopes, i can't say i know exactly what you're going through, but even though it is a cliche to say it, things do get better eventually. i'm glad you're still with us :)

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've been thinking of ctb more than usual for the past month or so, but i've always held off for two reasons:
1. if i'm not in a stable financial/personal situation by the time i'm 30, i've promised myself that that will be my cutoff.
2. i almost want to live as long as i can to see how much worse the world can get. everything is already so stacked against me and my generation, and obviously it's only going to get worse before it gets better, so i'm curious to see how bad it can get during my lifetime.

I can't agree with you here. I was in finally in a great financial state and then something happened to upend my life and now things are worse than they've ever been. As for the world, I think it's going to get absolutely horrible. I see the horrible goings-on in Hong Kong, Xinjiang, Russia, Yemen, and countless other places, and my faith in humanity sinks. I see our desire to continue to pump exorbitant amounts of carbon into the atmosphere with little care for future generations and my faith sinks even more. Earth will literally become Hell for humans. I'm not sure I want to see that.

As to the question, things that keep me from doing it?

1. Mother
2. Husband
3. Goddaughters

That's it. The people I love. The people I know will have a hard time dealing with it. My best friend's death impacted my life permanently. I worry about doing that to others.

 

[Ktmnny]

Just too scared to physically take my own life, survival instinct is too strong
Other than that nothing

 

[agentgeez]

As with a lot of things in my life, it's mostly fatigue, and maybe a feeling of being overwhelmed by the planning and having to order and organise everything. It even took a few hours for me to reply after opening this thread, haha. I've heard that people seem more energetic or happy before their suicide not just because they know they're going to finally die soon, but also because it requires energy and motivation to kill yourself. Slowly but surely I'm getting there, hopefully.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Pain, pain, pain. It is such a profoundly intense, unbearable sensation. If I were utterly numb, I wouldn't hesitate to destroy myself in any which way, hell I could maybe even have some fun doing it. But I pain corrals us in, forcing us to live. It's the ultimate prison cell, keeping us all as inmates.

 

[TAW122]

I'm just waiting for the right time and circumstance. I don't have everything I need yet and still finishing up some things (personal things) and want to make sure that I'm at 100% ready before I finally punch my ticket on the bus.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I can't agree with you here. I was in finally in a great financial state and then something happened to upend my life and now things are worse than they've ever been. As for the world, I think it's going to get absolutely horrible. I see the horrible goings-on in Hong Kong, Xinjiang, Russia, Yemen, and countless other places, and my faith in humanity sinks. I see our desire to continue to pump exorbitant amounts of carbon into the atmosphere with little care for future generations and my faith sinks even more. Earth will literally become Hell for humans. I'm not sure I want to see that.

As to the question, things that keep me from doing it?

1. Mother
2. Husband
3. Goddaughters

That's it. The people I love. The people I know will have a hard time dealing with it. My best friend's death impacted my life permanently. I worry about doing that to others.

My wife and kid are also my reason for holding off. I'm trying to stay as long as I can for them but it's becoming increasingly difficult. I want that peace so bad and I'm tired of the constant struggles of life.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

I love my family too much. At one point, I planned to ctb before highschool graduation. I failed. Whenever I think about how painful it'll be for my mom, dad, and lil sis to learn about my death, I get so anxious. Like the act of ending my life doesn't scare me. Drinking the SN isn't so bad. But my family? I don't want them to suffer so I keep prolonging my existence but I don't know how much more I can take.

 

[mediocre]

1. Still have hope I can figure out my physical health problems even though I've gotten nowhere in the past 5 years.
2. Too afraid and have no courage.

 

[Nymph]

I need to be here for my bunny, also I have summer holidays right now so I'm actually doing pretty okay. I'm sure it will all go downhill when I start school again though so I'll just see how it is. I hope I can go on before my bunny goes because I know no one will take care of him if I'm gone

 

[Caycee]

I wish I could live MY life. It just seems impossible and too much time has passed.
I wish I didn't have to do it.
I am afraid of making a mistake, creating great pain for myself and continuing to live, having killed my many animals (most are not adoptable) and destroyed my belongings. Unimaginable.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Delusional hope, which is running in short supply.

 

[TheBigBurden]

I'm trying to convince myself its worth it to wait and see the next Jurassic World movie.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Guess I am a coward. I had enough time to research methods, learn about human body so I know how to kill myself properly. I want to be dead but I don't want to fail.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Now that my mind is made up and I feel at peace with the decision, I just want to prepare as well as possible. The things I'll leave behind, I mean. I'm cash poor but I do have money I can't spend (weird inheritance deal) that I researched and *do* have the right to choose who it goes to. I have to divvy that up and do things like decide which nephew gets the Xbox and which gets the computer, who in my life would want my vaping stuff, trivial shit like that. And the letters, that's going to be a chore. I'm going to write one to everyone I feel deserves one individually, I want to leave behind as few questions and as much closure as possible. But thinking about the Day itself? I just look forward to it, tbh.

 

[Pan]

Cowardice is the primary reason for holding me back. If I were diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would kiss the ground in gratitude.

 

[orangepotato]

I'm trying to pass as much time as possible until I actually do it for my family's sake. I'll only do it when I absolutely can't stand it any more. A lot of these days all I do is sleep so that time passes as fast as possible.

 

[AvaAdore]

Primarily it's because I have a son that needs me. I have had suicidal feelings for the majority of my life and one of the worst times was right before my son was born. I know that it would really mess up his life knowing that I made the choice to leave him. I can't abandon him like that. The only way I could feel peace about leaving is to know he didn't need me around anymore. It's a heavy burden but I owe it to him.

 

[Sdoll98]

I have a husband & two children. I'm consumed with guilt because of how my death may cause them long-lasting pain & guilt.

 

[Cherrypea]

My little girl. I can cope with leaving my partner and adult child but my 8 year old is keeping me here for now.

 

[RRH]

Cowardice and guilt mainly.

And not being able to think clearly enough to plan my exit properly.

 

[throwaway123]

mostly just false hope like most people here. :(
it really keeps you locked in a place.

 

[Jadedcat]

It's mostly that I'm too afraid. I hope too but things seem to keep getting worse. Is it sad that I don't have any guilt holding me back though. I'm to the point where I don't care how me being gone would affect people.

 

[pdyduc]

Im a little too afraid to just go for it. i sort of want to fail so that people will care about me, but i know that makes me a coward.

 

[muffin222]

Curiosity about how my life's journey could possibly unfold if I hold out

 

[GreenTree]

Fucking it up again. It's so hard to die. I love all my family and freinds too. I dont want to be a burden on them. Life is so cruel. Never should have to deal with mental illness. An absolute fucking bastard. Good people getting struck down with this shit.

 

[Lost]

Failing again...

 

[Yahoel]

My SN got intercepted and I can't pass out from partial. Now I'm thinking about whether I'll go for full suspension or if I should just wait until I can order SN to a safe location. Tbh I don't think SN will be available for much longer. I barely managed to get a hold of it last time.