It's stupid. 2 reasons.
Reason 1: when I think of life, it's mostly painful and awful. I do not enjoy life. I am sad all the time. But when I envision myself taking the SN and things going to black and then nothing after that, the end of the story, it somehow still bothers me.
I tried to overdose before in a very serious manner that I thought would work, so I've encountered the situation before. It really means giving up everything, memories, pain, suffering, good things, hope, everything I at one point worked for, and just surrendering to the abyss
At one point, I worked very hard in life, very little has come of it, I feel exploited and dehumanized and wronged. I also do not feel like I should try to continue to work hard, try to have a "second act" in life in which things go well. I feel like society and the world put me through so much pain. No more false hopes, no more lies.
Reason 2: reason 2 is there's still some shit I want to take care of before ending it all. The problem with reason 2 is that money is required for living, and my job makes me tired and slows me down so much. There's some bucket list items I really would like to check off. It's stupid, but mostly it's about a sense of peace.
As I've gotten older, I've started to see the cruelties perpetrated against me are horrible, but pale in comparison to some of the other horrors out there. It leaves me feeling this sense of futility, but I still feel like I have to keep going.
I really, really hope I am dead within 5 years. I just don't want to keep being around. Or, if I am not dead in 5 years, I hope I can afford full-time drug addiction.