Discussion Why are you like this?

[uncat_]

What drives someone to become suicidal? Is it the pain in this physical world that they endure, or is it a psychological pain that presents itself without a real reason?

For me, it's the latter. I've always felt like i didn't belong or deserve to be in this world. As if my existence was never supposed to happen, and this belief has drove me to force myself to edure the physical pains of the world. This illness of mine probably comes from a mix of my genetics and how i was brought up.

I want to know what's driven you to this point in your illness? why are you still here? and what makes you not want to be here so badly?

 

[NeedAnEscape]

One day, I realized that I did not deserve to have a place in this world, and that I would never measure up to my peers. That sentiment has stuck with me ever since. I relate to your feeling of not belonging in this world. I genuinely do not understand why I exist (outside of the biological context.) I feel like a burden on this world, and I am ashamed of the fact that others have to deal with my existence. A part of me wants to push everyone away and end it all, right now. Yet, I know that will only bring more pain onto the people who do care about me. I feel trapped in my existence, and I am so tired of being here.

 

[skybluesuicide]

As far as I know, I've tried all of the mainstream treatments available in my country (cognitive-behavioural therapy, medication, TMS, ECT, Ketamine infusions). Also tried Neurofeedback, which has little evidence supporting it, out of desperation of wanting to get better. Hell, I recently returned from some fancy rehab center after staying there 2 months. What did I get from all of this? Massive debt. That's all. I didn't get better in the slightest. I actually got worse during the past few years. So recently I did some contemplation, and decided it was time to give up. My depression is just too resistant to treatment, and I'm not going to wait for the next 10 years waiting for some scientific breakthrough to happen. I'm currently in the early planning stage.

 

[KillerIsMe]

I have a defective, broken brain and mind. Whether I was born that way or destroyed by trauma, who knows

 

[Neogoloid]

Sick of being an ugly, short, good for nothing, and unwanted male in society that was born to two teenage parents that weren't financially stable. And I just have awful terrible genes and I don't wanna live in this body anymore. Also this is a fucked up reality in general. But if I were at least on the winning side of it then it would be tolerable.

 

[CinnamonFever]

It's the psychological pressure to be the things I am not. Neurotypical. Christian. Straight. Cisgender.
It's knowing that if I appear to not be, there will be consequences.
It's the realization that all this pressure constantly applied over my life, combined with trauma and abuse from the same people, is what drove my developing of illnesses, as coping mechanisms; and now I am genuinely stuck with them for the rest of my life. And it turns out I am Autistic anyways, so I was going to be fucked with this family from the getgo.
The days behind have been agony. The days now are a chore at best. The days ahead look as bad at ever. Why stay?

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case wanting to die is all that feels rational and makes sense rather than some kind of "illness". Existence itself is the true problem, there is no value in suffering in this existence that just leads to death and decay anyway.

All that comforts me is the thought of being permanently relieved from the hell that is existence, I don't wish to be burdened with existence, I want to be at peace instead, I only wish for nothingness, I'm not meant to suffer in this hellish reality.

Existence is a curse, it's a curse to be a conscious being trapped in a decaying flesh prison, only death can prevent all future unnecessary suffering.

 

[hex_id]

Im just really scared of life.
i had one simple dream since i was 13.
my familly ignored me since i was born and noone cared about me.i didnt really realize at first but after all these years i ve found that being alone from 7yo to 12-13ish every single day.. and night,having no contact with your familly or friends really changes you
i used to think its normal that i talk to myself,used to think its normal to give everything for people,even some1 i met 5 mins ago
i used to think its normal to have no birthday cake..or party or anything
i used to think its normal for your parents to leave you alone in the house for 90% of the day and that its normal that they beat you..and yell at you.
i had no father figure..nor mother figure.the thing is my mom "came back" in my life when i was 14ish,my "dad" left.. but i cant i cant with her.she used to get so angry at me because i wouldnt eat with her in the kitchen..i wouldnt talk to her or have any real disscusion.
at some point i really felt guilty that im unable to talk to anyone..that i like loneliness..i didnt like it i was used to it
i turned 18 a year ago and i opened my eyes..mental problems are real..trauma any sort of trauma is real
anxiety stress..everything is real
i lived in a world where problems and fealings were just shut down..where all i had was myself and a computer.
im very shy and im so bad at conversation that people around me think i hate them but im unable to be me around people
im very unconfident im skinny..due to the fact that all i was eating all day was 2-3 fried eggs and lots of tea.
and im sorry for everyone that had those type of parents when there were young
i feel like my life is a burden to me

i had one simple dream since i was 13,turn 18 move out with my girlfriend that i feal really really comfortable with..she left .i met a girl a very special one she understood me to a point.She meant the world to me.we were toghether for 5ish years..till this year she left beacuse of me..i had very bad communication problems..and i dont really blame her..she tried for 1 year and more to help me fix them..but i didnt want to fix them i was stuck in this mentality i had throughout my childhood that i shut up and everything goes away with time..fealings are not real.but i just opened my eyes
im stuck im stuck here alone with noone to help me no feature plans..where is my life going now?
i want to end it..

 

[sserafim]

Neurodivergence (Asperger's/autism, ADHD, social anxiety), failure to launch, and the responsibilities and expectations that come with adulthood. I don't want to participate in or engage with the world or society, and I hate the fact that I'm expected to. I don't want to have to get a job, make my own living, and be independent. I'm scared of having to enter the workforce and having to eventually be on my own. I just don't feel ready for it. I don't feel like I was ever fit or meant to be an adult. I also don't want to be just another wageslave to capitalism. I honestly never thought that I would live past 18, I always thought that I never would've become an adult. I honestly hate being one. I'm also just not a good fit for the world and it isn't a good fit for me. I've never felt like I belonged or was meant to be in this world, I've always felt like an alien on the wrong planet. I'm planning to ctb before 25 so I'll never have to be a "real adult".

 

[ultraviolence]

Trauma, all-or-nothing mindset, my body, and face. I have really bad moments where I'm not in touch with reality but it's more so I never feel real. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here and my existence is intruding. I just wish I never existed, I'd rather choose to erase myself completely than to CTB because with the latter, I still existed.

 

[uncat_]

I feel like I'm not supposed to be here and my existence is intruding.

i completely relate to that.

 

[Qua]

I was never happy with my life. My whole childhood had just been parents arguing and shouting everyday, my dad basically thrightening that he's gonna leave us and the next day I would listen to my mom saying that we're gonna move out to my grandma. Honestly I thought that's just how things are gonna be my whole life, but the day of my 14th birthday it actually happened, he actually left us for some other girl. I was slowly getting broken since early age but that one thing completely destroyed me and I've never been the same since. My whole mental health went downhill so hard I cannot explain what a true happiness is. Hearing my friend genuinely talking about her family and seeing that people truly can live happy and in love is so unreal and bizzare for me. At this point I can't imagine myself being "normal" with stable mental health and no disorders, it's just a part of me now and it doesn't seem to go away. I've accepted it

Sorry for saying so much

 

[Beyond_Repair]

Childhood trauma, never feeling like I "fit in" or belong anywhere. Not in school, with friends, family, at work, anything. Lack of solid sense of self. Constant psychological pain and guilt since childhood that has never gotten better. Being taken advantage of and bullied because I'm sure people can sense there's something wrong with me. I really just wasn't made for this world.

 

[BlazingBob]

As far as I know, I've tried all of the mainstream treatments available in my country (cognitive-behavioural therapy, medication, TMS, ECT, Ketamine infusions). Also tried Neurofeedback, which has little evidence supporting it, out of desperation of wanting to get better. Hell, I recently returned from some fancy rehab center after staying there 2 months. What did I get from all of this? Massive debt. That's all. I didn't get better in the slightest. I actually got worse during the past few years. So recently I did some contemplation, and decided it was time to give up. My depression is just too resistant to treatment, and I'm not going to wait for the next 10 years waiting for some scientific breakthrough to happen. I'm currently in the early planning stage.

Sounds like me except for residential treatment. Ketamine, TMS, pills, talk therapy up the wazoo. Nothing has helped and now I'm worse than ever. Add on autoimmune disease. Ctb is definitely not what I want but I just can't function anymore and I think there's more dignity in that than having to rely on the charity of others for the rest of my life. I deal with crippling exhaustion because of the disease I have which adds fuel to the fire. I'm still here because 3 very old sick dogs rely on me and nobody else will take care of them and I can't abandon them. As soon as they're gone so am I. Again, ctb is not what. Like right now, I can barely focus enough to write this message.

 

[Bodydysmorphia34]

For me, it's probably partly due to my genetics (my relatives suffer from depression too), bad experiences with people and realizing how f- cked up this world is.

 

[deadtomorrow]

Cause i'm an ugly unlovable deformed mf

 

[Vesiira]

i wish i knew why i was like this. my brain? people constantly hurting me? being taken advantage of all the time (money, kindness, etc.) people just take take take and rarely ever give unless they feel they have to. everyone leaves in the end. so i feel i should get to leave too, in a different way. in my way.

 

[Resinn66]

Life is simply not worth living in my opinion bc the negatives are far more than the positives.
No one would want to be born knowing that suffering will be inevitable and possibly unlimited.
And yet once we are alve Nature make it extremely difficult to go back