Why are you contemplating suicide?

[LittleDuckling]

Oh, another trans person in this forum. It's a shame so many of us are suffering from suicidal thoughts. But I totally understand your intentions, I'm trans myself. I started HRT exactly 1 year ago. I can see a lot of progress during that time but being trans is just a nightmare, to be honest. I can't really fit into society and leaving the house is very stressful for me. For me it's one of many reasons to ctb. I'm tired of dealing with my internal struggles and I'll never be really able to accept myself.
The other reasons for my decision are depression, which I'm suffering from for over 8 years. I'm also suffering from severe social anxiety due to intense bullying back in school. That fucked me up really badly. I can't trust people anymore and it's very difficult for me to interact with them. I also prefer to never leave the house. Which is the reason why I have no friends at all except some online contacts and I feel very lonely. And that's how it has been for years now. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years due to my depression and inability to work and I have no perspectives on a good future. My education is also quite poor. It's the combination of many reasons that make me want to leave this world. And I'm just tired of live. That's why I want to go. There is nothing waiting for me in life.

Did you feel that HRT improved your mental state? On accepting Im trans and starting HRT I felt that things were getting better, but now Im slipping back into the dark place I was before I started transitioning. I keep hoping that itll get better the further down in transition, maybe physical changes or something, I know it probably wont considering im 5 months in and dont pass at all but Im wondering if the changes helped you feel better at all seeing that you said you have had a lot of progress.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Did you feel that HRT improved your mental state? On accepting Im trans and starting HRT I felt that things were getting better, but now Im slipping back into the dark place I was before I started transitioning. I keep hoping that itll get better the further down in transition, maybe physical changes or something, I know it probably wont considering im 5 months in and dont pass at all but Im wondering if the changes helped you feel better at all seeing that you said you have had a lot of progress.

Yes, it definitely improved my mental state. And I can accept myself a lot more now but I'm still in a horrible situation. I know I'll never pass. Every time I leave the house I attract attention, people are looking at me. I feel so ugly. And I probably look like a tranny. Like a crossdresser. I feel like I'll always will be trapped in that weird state between being male and female. I'm neither male or female right now. I have a fairly feminine body and I feel like my face also improved a lot in the past year, which is amazing to be honest. But I still have so many male features and me being trans, having to go through that struggle, knowing I'll never be happy with myself, is one of the major reasons for me to ctb.

 

[LittleDuckling]

Yes, it definitely improved my mental state. And I can accept myself a lot more now but I'm still in a horrible situation. I know I'll never pass. Every time I leave the house I attract attention, people are looking at me. I feel so ugly. And I probably look like a tranny. Like a crossdresser. I feel like I'll always will be trapped in that weird state between being male and female. I'm neither male or female right now. I have a fairly feminine body and I feel like my face also improved a lot in the past year, which is amazing to be honest. But I still have so many male features and me being trans, having to go through that struggle, knowing I'll never be happy with myself, is one of the major reasons for me to ctb.

Oh wow youre really brave that youre out and presenting even though you dont feel you pass. I dont even have the courage to come out to anyone and looking at my face when crossdressing makes me want to just kill myself on the spot, presenting is just a far away fantasy for me, im so self conscious on what people say and think about me. The dream of having FFS to me is keeping me off the bus for now but seeing Ill never afford it the dream will get dimmer and dimmer as the years go by.

You seem to have it quite good in terms of changes etc, your transition isn't complete yet and you could still get FFS, I know being trans is a nightmare but transitioning and passing improves our mental state significantly, if youre fortunate enough to have good changes and maybe can have FFS I would give that a try first (I know I dont know what youre going through and please dont think im a 'it gets better person', I get how hard all of this is and if you feel CTB is the best option I understand as Im on the same boat as you)

 

[RainAndSadness]

Oh wow youre really brave that youre out and presenting even though you dont feel you pass. I dont even have the courage to come out to anyone and looking at my face when crossdressing makes me want to just kill myself on the spot, presenting is just a far away fantasy for me, im so self conscious on what people say and think about me. The dream of having FFS to me is keeping me off the bus for now but seeing Ill never afford it the dream will get dimmer and dimmer as the years go by.

You seem to have it quite good in terms of changes etc, your transition isn't complete yet and you could still get FFS, I know being trans is a nightmare but transitioning and passing improves our mental state significantly, if youre fortunate enough to have good changes and maybe can have FFS I would give that a try first (I know I dont know what youre going through and please dont think im a 'it gets better person', I get how hard all of this is and if you feel CTB is the best option I understand as Im on the same boat as you)

I don't wear skirts or high heels though. I think the word androgynous describes me very well. I usually only wear dark stuff to avoid attention. Nothing colorful. I'm already attracting way too much sights and it's annoying as fuck.
FFS is also no option for me because I am poor and my health care probably won't cover it. So I'm stuck with my face. Even if I had good chances of ever somehow slightly passing as a woman, I'm sick and tired of it and I want it to end. I don't want to be trans. It's terrible and I have to drag that burden for the rest of my life with me. And I'm done with that.

 

[LittleDuckling]

I don't wear skirts or high heels though. I think the word androgynous describes me very well. I usually only wear dark stuff to avoid attention. Nothing colorful. I'm already attracting way too much sights and it's annoying as fuck.
FFS is also no option for me because I am poor and my health care probably won't cover it. So I'm stuck with my face. Even if I had good chances of ever somehow slightly passing as a woman, I'm sick and tired of it and I want it to end. I don't want to be trans. It's terrible and I have to drag that burden for the rest of my life with me. And I'm done with that.

Yeah im in the same boat regarding FFS, I dont have insurance so paying for HRT is bad enough I dont think Ill ever get to have ffs. I totally agree with the trans is terrible sentiment you have, it baffles me how some people are proud or happy to be this way as if it is some blessing. It completely took away my life, CTB is the only escape unfortunately.

 

[Steve]

I went to a counsellor for exam stress, and he got the doctor give me some pills. I thought they were safe, but they were actually benzos. I took around a total of 20 pills including some in the hospital psych ward.

I had a horrific withdrawal, where I suffered severe anxiety, severe insomnia, constant hypnic jerks, restless legs, panic attacks, tinnitus. All these seemingly subsided over two months after cessation.

But on the fifth month, I had a relapse. I stayed awake overnight, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I couldn't fall asleep as though there was a wall in my head, I felt a stabbing sensation in my chest. My entire neurochemistry went haywire: I alternated between depression, depersonalisation/derealisation, anxiety (with stabbing pain), and my penis went numb after a mini seizure. I went to the hospital and most of these symptoms went away.

What's distressing me now is that my penis is numb and I don't know why. It feels numbish/stinging radiating down my nerves. And stimulating it doesn't give that special feeling anymore. It just feels like the skin on my arm. It's depressing me a lot because sex is a big part of human life and relationships... I'm too young to be denied intimacy and all. What worst is the chronic pain and I can't get my mind off it at all.

 

[Readytogo227]

I've always had this fog in my head, this little voice telling me to end it. I feel worthless. My life is meaningless. Therapy isn't helping. The nuthouse only strengthened my resolve. I just need a day to do it. Going to see family for a week but after that the pain will come back. I can't be myself with this constant cloud. This darkness. Everything is so heavy. I can't take it.

 

[daemonblight]

Success in life is boiled down to luck more than to how hard you're willing to work.
I missed out on good genetics, health, sexual pleasure and the ability to establish solid relationships.

I believe in reincarnation and I hope for better luck next time. If my belief is wrong and I won't be reincarnated, then at least I won't have to experience life anymore.

 

[shattered dreams]

Can't find a job and get on my feet is the main reason. I can't bear the idea of homelessness - I won't/can't.

It doesn't help that my abusive mom turned everyone I've ever loved against me, so I can't even stay with family.

It's just getting to be too much.

Homelessness is also my line in the sand. I refuse to be live like that and when it happens, life will no longer be worth it to me. Since I am going to be homeless, I am not going to be alive to see it.

 

[CatLove56]

because i am mostly a useless piece of shit who will never do anything to validate my existence

 

[|||||||]

Why wouldn't I be? I mean, just look around. Can't you see what's there? The heinous things that surround us, every hour of every day? The boredom, the futility, the tragic absurdity and, worst of all, the pain. Even if they're not happening to you directly at any given moment. or you simply choose not to acknowledge them in the first place. They're still always there. The shadow of the axe itself, always hanging close nearby. That's not even mentioning, the crushing weight of all the other countless living things across this planet languishing in torment every single moment for nothing. It's totally inescapable. And for me personally, I'm tired of both bearing witness & being victim to it. I have no past or current trauma, no major physical hardships, and a fairly comfortable life as a hikikomori. It doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, base existence is utterly intolerable and is predisposed to exert pain (no matter the circumstances, good or bad). To put it simply, this planet, nay this universe, isn't fit to exist in and I want out. And yes, I suppose I should mention, that ideally I'd also like to kill myself because my life is only likely to get worse from here on out (my parents dying, further personal ageing & decrepitude, worsening mental problems combined with ever more unbearable bouts of loneliness, being ultimately left adrift in a terrifying world etc.) and I'd really like to leave before that happens.

I feel similarly in a lot of ways. I don't have any singular reason to feel this way, nothing in my childhood/youth that'd drag me down for so many years. Sure, I've had my string of heartbreak and rejection, bullying, pretty disjointed family ties, but I don't think they're the reason anymore. They may've been the seed, but they've grown into something different. I still guilt myself over stopping my mom's attempts to exit. Her pain must've been mine tenfold, chronic and terminal to this day.

I've largely pulled myself away from any sort of a social life. I just hate being a part of the cycle of pain and hurt we're all caught in and contribute to. Relationships and marriages that end in tears and worse when that brief period of love ultimately fades to nothingness. The competitiveness of society and how it tramples those unwilling to play underneath. How the majority of the Western world is run by lies and trends that politicians latch onto in hopes of votes. There's no alternative, either. Aristocrats, politicians and tyrants are all the winners of that race for personal gain. Only the best, most ruthless and selfish could ever win. Just watching it all hurts, even though most of the time I'm no better.

As for the actual reason? I'm not sure anymore.

 

[Battered_Seoul]

The presence of suffering makes Being unjustifiable. The indifference of the universe and the inevitability of death make it pointless. The bio-cosmic conditions we submit to make an ethical, meaningful and dignified life impossible. Extinction is redemption.

 

[Rocky M]

A mix of emotional abuse and guilt. I deserve to die. People I love get hurt because of me. I want to end their suffering as well as my own.

 

[Alucard]

Injustice of the world, painfull life.

 

[Notmadeforthislife]

I have a long history of mental health problems. Last December I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with psychosis while I was in the hospital. I admitted myself because I became suicidal during my first year working as a teacher. I had to resign because I couldn't handle the stress. Now I have a useless Master's degree and student loans I can't repay. I'm back to being a janitor at a school. But I'll probably be unemployed next year because the school is closing. Then I'll really be screwed because I won't be able to find another low-stress job that pays enough, because of my mental health problems. I also have attention deficit disorder and anxiety. I can't function like a normal healthy adult so my life will always be unmanageable. It's just a matter of time before poverty destroys me and my family. They're probably better off without me anyway. I'm tired of trying to live a life I can't manage well. I poured all the hope I had into finishing my teaching degree. But it ended in disaster and it all came to nothing because of my mental health problems. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of fighting. I can't change the fact that I'm mentally ill. And it I will always keep me from having a good quality of life. It's not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I just want the suffering to end.

 

[Shinkansen]

severe depression, loneliness, bullying in the past, never having friends or girlfriend, problems in the family between alcoholism and depression ...

and finally: this world sucks.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've been dealing with suicidal ideation for 18+ years now. I suffer badly with anxiety and severe depression. I've been handling this with medication for several years.

Last summer, though, something horrible happened to me that cost me my job, took away my future, and near bankrupted me. I lost all my friends and support system. My marriage was irreparably weakened. I'm worth more to my husband dead than alive. Thinking logically, I know my death would be better for him, as it would free him in many ways. He is emotionally driven, though, and doesn't see it that way.

More than anything, my life has just been too full of suffering. I poured myself into my work and I did a great job, and that was the only thing that gave me strength to persist. When it was taken away from me, there was nothing to help ease the suffering. There are battles I've been fighting for years that no one else knows about, so no one quite understands the depth of the pain that plagued me daily.

I just want it all to be over. I've lived too long. I'm glad I didn't kill myself 18 years ago, but I pushed my luck a little too far. I'm ready to be done.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Can never amount to anything or do anything due to criminal convictions for offenses I committed at 17. Unattractive and a virgin, and undoubtedly will remain a virgin for the rest of the duration of my probation. Done putting up with it!

 

[anonymousapple]

Severe bullying my entire school life, and an abusive home life even once in foster care. Was forced to watch my dad rape my mom on multiple occasions which scarred me, and I got passed around a lot as a child so I developed attachment issues and became extremely socially inept and antisocial.

Basically my past haunts me way too much and I can't escape it, and the only reason Ive lived this long is because I keep bullshitting myself into thinking I could live a normal life.

I was literally treated like a piece of trash my entire life, was always alienated, and never had anyone be there for me.

I don't think I've ever felt like a human being.

 

[mellow]

Just when my life was beginning to improve I got brain damage from a medication which has effectively lobotomized me

 

[SterileMoth]

Depression mostly, tired of fighting off the demons in my head every day for a life that just keeps getting worse. In the past year my grandma has died, a friend of my friends died who I had only met a few times but it hit hard, I became more isolated from my friends (I'm realizing now that it was kind of because of my ex, he didn't like me going out by myself and always had to be there, and then he'd bitch about EVERY friend. Also, he was allowed out alone, I just got to stay home by myself. He complained about how I never went out after isolating me from my friends, even though he knew that most of his friends made me uncomfortable and would ignore me when I joined them), I finally found a job I really liked but they didn't keep me past two months, I asked my doctor to put me on different antidepressants because mine WEREN'T WORKING, and she basically went "Oh no, you're too broke." I was sick for two months STRAIGHT and then when I finally started feeling better covid hit and everything shut down so I didn't get to go out for 5 months straight, and I really thought things were starting to get better. Things were opening up again, the weather was improving, I had friends want to see me more often, I was looking for work, and then my FIANCE left me. With no explanation. (A few BS answers I've gotten since then: I just want to explore more, we are at different points in our lives, you don't go out enough, I don't know why I left, you deserve better, I'm trying to be a better person first, things feel different. SO, BRO I told him once that he felt like a roommate not a boyfriend, and I kept trying and we fixed the issue. That felt "different" BUT ITS A FIXABLE ISSUE?? Relationships aren't all honeymoon phases, you gotta choose to keep loving the person you're with. I've grown as a person since we started dating all I really lack rn is a job which I had been working on since Quarantine was lifted, I've done so much to be better and to avoid ctb ... he agreed he needed therapy multiple times then never did anything to find therapy, even when I gave him direct resources that I used to find a therapist, no shit we aren't at the same place, you have more work experience than me but boy am I years ahead of you on all other fronts. If you wanted to explore more then you shouldn't have proposed to me, OR I had mentioned having an open relationship multiple times and always got shot down IT WAS OBVIOUSLY AN OPTION. I DIDN'T GO OUT MUCH FOR PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED REASONS, HE CUT ME OFF FROM EVERYONE, AND HE FLAKED ON EVERY DATE I PLANNED ... lmao I have more of a social life than him since the breakup though, Karma bitch.)

Uhm, not many reasons other than that. I genuinely don't see a future for myself. I had envisioned one shortly before my fiance left me, and was starting to work towards that goal, but he left and there's nothing again. I had built a future around him, probably unhealthy but it was the first time in 6 years that I actually saw myself getting anywhere other than dead in a ditch. I don't think I'm going to get better, I haven't yet and it's been 8 years, feels pretty grim. I hate the way society is, capitalism, living to work, working to death. Whats the point in sticking around just to work forever, till I'm too old and frail to do anything but sit and die slowly? Plus the earth is dying, capitalists are scum who will continue killing it, the government doesn't give a fuck about it's people, I can't keep a job because of my mental health unless it falls into a very specific environment, I keep making friends with and dating people who only seek out to use me; apparently that's all I'm good for. I'm just exhausted from living, from trying, from smiling and functioning and living a hopeless life. The past year has sucked to high heaven, but everything before that wasn't really great either.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

1. Lack of meaning/purpose:
Some say that the universe has no inherent meaning so we have to make our own in life. Personally I haven't been able to make one for myself.

2. Lack of belonging:
Most of my life I have found it difficult to fit in with others. I couldn't mix in when I was a kid and still can't mix in now. I was one of the shy, quiet kids growing up (and still quiet today) so it was already hard enough to talk, but even when I really throw myself into the crowd and try to make relationships with others they never bite. If I keep to myself nobody notices me. If I try to fake being an extrovert - put on a "chatty" face, and try to act like others to fit in, no one wants anything to do with me either... I can't win. I'm like the ugly duckling that others avoid.

2. Isolation:
This ties in with reason 2. It's hard for me to make bonds with others. Sure there's a lot of people that have been in my life but most of them have been acquaintances; there has never been many that I have had a genuine connection with - someone that you would call a true friend. I am surrounded by people where ever I go, but I feel so alone.

3. Feeling unappreciated:
I have never thought of my own life having value and I don't think that others value me either. I'm not the most interesting or "coolest" person to be around. I am not outgoing, charming, witty or anything like that... But I try? I try to be the person that others would like to be friends with. I try to be a listener to others problems. I try to be loyal - sticking around for a long time. I try to correct my flaws... Sometimes to a fault; everytime something goes wrong I blame myself even if it isn't my fault - I just don't like assuming others are in the wrong. I try to see the good and bad side in everyone I have had a connection with; even when friends have hurt me I have looked past it, because I tried to rationalize it by saying: "Well that wasn't really them - they didn't mean it - Maybe they were just having a bad day?" - basically I stuck by them through the good times and the bad.

Despite these things that I have mentioned: No one has ever done the same for me. I have went weeks, months and sometimes even years without contact. There is never anyone there for me. No matter how hard I try to be caring there never seems to be any reciprocation. The relationships that I have had in the past only kept going because I kept in touch with them. Not the other way around. I have burnt myself out trying to "be there" and caring for people who, now that I look back, didn't give a damn about me. I just feel like I have had everything thrown back in my face.

4. Feeling worthless:
Yeah, yeah I know this one sounds cliche but it's something that I really feel is true for some of us (me).

You always hear phrases like: "Your life matters!", "You're special!" or "Everyone is beautiful in their own way!". Lately I've started to disagree with that stuff. If we all "matter" as human beings then why is there so much inequality - why are so many left out? The behaviour that I get from others makes me feel like I don't matter... They act like I am not there - that kind of gives a hint. And how can I be special? If we were all "special" then no one would be special; I'm not special I am another nobody out of billions. If I am beautiful "in my own way" then why have so many treat me like I am an ugly monster? ...Maybe because I am actually ugly.

5. Bullying:
The classic, but still valid.

I have been at the receiving end of physical bullying, emotional bullying and any other form of bullying that can be thought of. I've been bullied because of the way I look, because I don't/can't fit in, because of where I am in life (social status, etc) and just bullied for who I am. I have experienced so much abusive and downright sociopathic behaviour from others that I have come to think that life is just a big lab, and the people running it are mad scientists.

 

[Djfrend]

chronic acid reflux LPR, ibs, severe anxiety and depression, teeth crumbling cos of constant acid, binge-eating disorder, no purpose in life, no career,job,drivinglisence,money, girlfriend or ability to eat normal food, drink alcohol and, no way to access a peaceful exit. Will have to suffer til the agony before the silence. Wish someone would kill me in my sleep.

 

[HappyMstake]

I feel stupid when I talk to people, I can't find the right words to say and sometimes stutter. I have no future because I didn't go to college so I'm destined to work a dead end job for the rest of my life. I hate the way I look. I hate my voice. Social anxiety. I mean I could go on and on but it's an endless list at this point.

 

[draw a circle]

Because I suck. I have an immense fear of failure and anxiety, and that doesn't make me want to live in this fucked up world. I can't see myself being happy in this society. I can survive, yeah, but at what cost?

Also, I've been working on my thesis for two years but I can't finish it and I can't drop out either because I don't want to disappoint my parents. There has been a lot of suicide cases committed by students in their final years of college, and now that I'm one of them I could see why they did it. Everything makes me feel so cornered and even if I do finish my thesis I won't be able to relax for another 40 years, so why bother?

The thing is, my life is actually pretty good. Family's all there, I got a few friends, and I'm healthy. Literally no reason to be suicidal, and yet here I am. I could try therapy but I don't have the time and money and courage to do it. I would like to try at least once though before attempting anything. But it seems a lot of work, maybe attempting suicide would be a faster way to get therapy.

Other than suicide, the only thing I wanted the most is more time. A second chance, if you will. And if I can't get it, I might find it in another life.