Discussion Why are you afraid to ctb?

[indexmatica]

I was doing more research on a method that I think is the best to ctb, but suddenly I was overcome with fear and a sense of anxiety. I am afraid of failing ctb and the feeling of my life fading away, specially this last one. I am also afraid of my family and their reaction when they find my dead body.
I have always repressed my feelings and problems, my family knows about my mental health issues due to a failed suicide attempt and a psychiatric hospitalization a long time ago (I don't want to delve into this topic), but I have never told them how depressed I really feel. I have SI almost every day.
However, to friends, colleagues and family, I'm totally fine now, but I'm not, I'm too good to keep that from their knowledge because I don't want to be hospitalized and judge. But now I feel a terrible fear of dying, the trauma I may cause to those I care about, and last but not least, I am afraid of failing again.
I would like to discuss about this, are you afraid to ctb because of this reasons?

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I've failed at seemingly every other mundane thing in my life, I can't imagine I would succeed at suicide upon the first try.

My body also seems to have a very high tolerance for substances.

I could imagine trying to ingest SN and still somehow waking up the next day.

Bottom line, I'm more afraid of surviving an attempt with horrible side effects than I am of actually dying, even though I don't believe there's any peace in death, either.

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

It is scary to think about dying. Our SI is strong, no matter what our thoughts are. I would suggest trying to make peace with what you want, and if you have any hope or regrets left, it might not hurt to put those to rest first, you have all the time in the world

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I'm afraid to CTB because of SI. That's it. No other reason.

 

[LeBroom]

I am afraid that my loved ones wont be able to move on after me; and that I could make them feel guilt for my demise. It would be an even bigger loss than staying alive if my death would turn out to be a bigger burden than my needs as a living person.
Beyond the personal I wonder if I left my mark on the world... it's just this urge to have made a difference, to have existed without being fully pointless. At the moment, I am not very optimistic for both unfortunately.

 

[Orbitc]

I'm not afraid of death, I'm a little bit afraid of pain - the only one thing I'm really afraid of is that I won't die and I harm to my health - because I have expensive rent and very high expenses - if I temporarily cannot work then I will have difficult times. I have no one - no one will help me. I once took 600 digoxin tablets - this is several times the lethal dose and did not die - I damaged my heart - a failed attempt can be very painful and detrimental to health.

 

[Done_Surviving]

I think that the suicidal's worst fear is not death, it is failing.

 

[Worndown]

Fear of actually dying and the impact on those left behind seem to be the main reasons. If the situation gets bad enough, people do it. It is more need based than desire.

 

[k7654321]

I am so scared about how my mum is going to feel once I'm dead. I don't want her life to be derailed and I want her to be okay without me but she's told me so many times that if I died, she would never be able to move on from it and she couldn't survive.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I'm afraid to fail again. If I had a guaranteed drink I would definitely take it without hesitation! There's no guarantees, and waking up alive after an attempt is horrible and the consequences aren't worth it. I definitely agree with you!

 

[FuneralCry]

I would fear trying to die going wrong and just leading to way more suffering, the thought of such a thing terrifies me. In general suicide methods are either risky or inaccessible for me which is just so horrible, I hate how suicide is purposely made so difficult, if there were straightforward, peaceful ways to die it'd prevent so much unnecessary suffering.

 

[Cage]

Because I'm a coward.

 

[newintown]

Because I'm afraid of pain, mostly. But also, the thought of my consciousness just disappearing freaks me out a lot for some reason.

 

[Henryk]

I'm afraid of the trauma I'm going to leave on my parents. If it weren't for them I would already be dead

 

[hermestrimegistus]

1) spiritual consequences and the weird circumstances surrounding the first time I tried to CTB and 2) failing an attempt and having to live with damage or disfigurement

 

[catmewomeow]

im afriad of surviving, permenantly damaging my body, and being forced to stay alive because ill be unable to try again without any assistance

 

[backtoearth]

I'm just afraid of the pain i will leave behind. There is one person in this world that I need to protect and this will destroy them

 

[iamsofkntired]

Im just scared that theres nothing after death and all the pain i left to my loved ones and all the years of my life i wasted for nothing

 

[wheezle42]

I'm afraid there's something I missed that would make me fulfilled. Also afraid of death, and hurting my sister who's been good to me and needs me.

 

[luxsuircides]

I was doing more research on a method that I think is the best to ctb, but suddenly I was overcome with fear and a sense of anxiety. I am afraid of failing ctb and the feeling of my life fading away, specially this last one. I am also afraid of my family and their reaction when they find my dead body.
I have always repressed my feelings and problems, my family knows about my mental health issues due to a failed suicide attempt and a psychiatric hospitalization a long time ago (I don't want to delve into this topic), but I have never told them how depressed I really feel. I have SI almost every day.
However, to friends, colleagues and family, I'm totally fine now, but I'm not, I'm too good to keep that from their knowledge because I don't want to be hospitalized and judge. But now I feel a terrible fear of dying, the trauma I may cause to those I care about, and last but not least, I am afraid of failing again.
I would like to discuss about this, are you afraid to ctb because of this reasons?

i've had failed ctb's, so the thought of having to go through the whole trauma of dealing with my family again is what scares me.

 

[undecided]

Im just scared that theres nothing after death and all the pain i left to my loved ones and all the years of my life i wasted for nothing

What do you hope for after your death?

 

[ShouldIDoIt?]

The thought of something going wrong or not dying peacefully worries me the most when thinking about CTB... the fear of the unknown too doesn't help things either. I'd love to have a conversation with someone who had passed away just to understand more about what it was like and if there is life on the other side waiting for you...

 

[Rouge4000]

an ex called me from a lock up facility and said she believed in me. I was the strongest person she knew and when she gets out she would come see me as soon as possible. That's literally the only reason I haven't don't it yet and I don't wanna abandon someone who cares about me even if it's just one person

 

[Gloomislost]

I don't want to fail it. I'd rather go out KNOWING I won't wake up from it ever.

 

[maddog58]

I'm afraid of failing an attempt and then having to face the consequences. I'm still here right now because of certain people that depend on me, and I don't want to fail an attempt just to see the looks on their faces afterwards, if that makes any sense. I just want to ctb and be done with it

 

[NoEpoh27]

I'm not afraid of death, I'm a little bit afraid of pain - the only one thing I'm really afraid of is that I won't die and I harm to my health - because I have expensive rent and very high expenses - if I temporarily cannot work then I will have difficult times. I have no one - no one will help me. I once took 600 digoxin tablets - this is several times the lethal dose and did not die - I damaged my heart - a failed attempt can be very painful and detrimental to health.

I had a similar thing happen. My OD attempt left me with heart damage & cost me my job/career, I lost housing & it cost me thousands in medical bills from inpatient to residential treatment. I can honestly say my life is irreparably damaged by my attempt. I'm terrified that the same thing will happen again, so my only option is to not fail next time.

 

[breezy999]

I would say religious consequences, the physical pain in the act, and then like most people have already said - failing an attempt. If I attempt I need it to be successful.

 

[vampire2002]

survival instinct, unsuccessful attempts, not knowing what happens after you die, those i'll leave behind, wondering if i could actually make my life worth living if i tried hard enough (like i haven't been trying for years already)

 

[wanttodie]

I'm afraid of failing an attempt and not dying when I do it I want to die

 

[indexmatica]

I had a similar thing happen. My OD attempt left me with heart damage & cost me my job/career, I lost housing & it cost me thousands in medical bills from inpatient to residential treatment. I can honestly say my life is irreparably damaged by my attempt. I'm terrified that the same thing will happen again, so my only option is to not fail next time.

I didn't want to dive into this, but after knowing that many of you have experience something like that, I feel comfortable sharing it. This is my biggest fear after failing last time. I also had heart damage and am suffering from constant chest pain related to that. But, at the same time, there is no method with a 100% rate of mortality without being extremly painful. expensive or just out of my reach.