Why are friendships becoming transactional?

[coseymo]

My friends always ignore me when I talk about what I feel. Not even a ''that sucks''. It's ''oh'' or straight up nothing. Whenever my friends vent I listen, try to help, offer advice, SUPPORT in any way even if the problems are minor, EVEN IF I'M TIRED, EXHAUSTED AND DON'T CARE never let them know I think that. I try to validate them. Do anything I can. That is never reciprocated. In this world, lack of empathy is celebrated. I tried to talk about this in other support forums and here are my favorite responses:


1. ''Maybe your friends find you overwhelming'' thank you so much for making me feel even more like a burden. This makes me not ever talk about my feelings again.

2. ''Ask for permission to vent'' What kind of idiotic response is that. Friends aren't THERAPISTS I shouldn't have to schedule an appointment to talk about my feelings. THEY never do. THEY never think about how I may find their complaining overwhelming. What happened to ''supporting friends trough the toughest times''?? I'm not even the type of person to share my feelings unless I'm at my worst.
3. ''Find better friends''- Almost everyone is like this unfortunately. They don't ever put others needs first, not even once. So fucking selfish and inconsiderate.

 

[Teddybear]

My friends always ignore me when I talk about what I feel. Not even a ''that sucks''. It's ''oh'' or straight up nothing. Whenever my friends vent I listen, try to help, offer advice, SUPPORT in any way even if the problems are minor, EVEN IF I'M TIRED, EXHAUSTED AND DON'T CARE never let them know I think that. I try to validate them. Do anything I can. That is never reciprocated. In this world, lack of empathy is celebrated. I tried to talk about this in other support forums and here are my favorite responses:


1. ''Maybe your friends find you overwhelming'' thank you so much for making me feel even more like a burden. This makes me not ever talk about my feelings again.

2. ''Ask for permission to vent'' What kind of idiotic response is that. Friends aren't THERAPISTS I shouldn't have to schedule an appointment to talk about my feelings. THEY never do. THEY never think about how I may find their complaining overwhelming. What happened to ''supporting friends trough the toughest times''?? I'm not even the type of person to share my feelings unless I'm at my worst.
3. ''Find better friends''- Almost everyone is like this unfortunately. They don't ever put others needs first, not even once. So fucking selfish and inconsiderate.

True friends should be able to tell each other where they might go wrong. But only if trying to help, not to make you feel bad about yourself.

Yet we happen to live in the age of throw away & recycle consumer goods, marriages and relationships of all sorts.

So why should friendships fare any better?

 

[timf]

Up until 100 years ago there were large families and most people lived and died where they were born. Their friends were mostly their siblings and cousins. Christianity also had at its core an advocacy of love that was defined as selflessness. With the diminishment of the family and Christianity our society has fully embraced selfishness. This emerging Darwinian survival of the fittest social environment has little room for kindness or thinking of others.

Sadly even churches have become either liberal political staging areas, sensation inducing events, or legalistic police states. Those of us who seek what used to be common often have to seek out others "on the fringe". An artistic community, a rural town, a small independent church might offer a higher chance to meet others no so much caught up in the "dog eat dog" world our society is becoming.

 

[Himalayan]

We be living in a society.
Been spending most of our lives in society paradise.
Ohhhhhhowaaaaaohhhhbowaa

 

[jodes2]

Sorry your friends are like that, it's quite cold and unfortunate

 

[darkcirclesunder]

You have to start looking at everything as a joke. I have cut ties with a friend i knew since 1st grade and i laugh about it. Most people are brain dead zaps and sacks of air, if they were anything special they would probably be like you posting on this site. Im sure these clowns are obsessed with tiktok and have no original personality or thought in their life, they just see "has 3 million" followers and follow what ever they say. You should laugh at these bags of nothingness. Friends also dont exist in our society as its a nuclear/monogamous relationship dynamic (at least in middle to upper class cultures).

 

[whatevs]

Up until 100 years ago there were large families and most people lived and died where they were born. Their friends were mostly their siblings and cousins. Christianity also had at its core an advocacy of love that was defined as selflessness. With the diminishment of the family and Christianity our society has fully embraced selfishness. This emerging Darwinian survival of the fittest social environment has little room for kindness or thinking of others.

Sadly even churches have become either liberal political staging areas, sensation inducing events, or legalistic police states. Those of us who seek what used to be common often have to seek out others "on the fringe". An artistic community, a rural town, a small independent church might offer a higher chance to meet others no so much caught up in the "dog eat dog" world our society is becoming.

Bring back Theocracy! Devs Vult!

In all seriousness, life sucked then but it seems to suck more now. It's just a different type of suck. Living under the oppresion of rigid patriarchal societal rules and the looming shadow of the Church presented problems for the free-thinking, but overall I agree with you, the masses were healthier and happier with that model.

 

[Amccorm2]

@coseymo please feel free to pm me if you want to know about some techniques to unpack your "invisible backpack".

It can be helpful and I'll happily guide you through the process.

 

[przeciwwymiotne]

My friends always ignore me when I talk about what I feel. Not even a ''that sucks''. It's ''oh'' or straight up nothing. Whenever my friends vent I listen, try to help, offer advice, SUPPORT in any way even if the problems are minor, EVEN IF I'M TIRED, EXHAUSTED AND DON'T CARE never let them know I think that. I try to validate them. Do anything I can. That is never reciprocated. In this world, lack of empathy is celebrated. I tried to talk about this in other support forums and here are my favorite responses:


1. ''Maybe your friends find you overwhelming'' thank you so much for making me feel even more like a burden. This makes me not ever talk about my feelings again.

2. ''Ask for permission to vent'' What kind of idiotic response is that. Friends aren't THERAPISTS I shouldn't have to schedule an appointment to talk about my feelings. THEY never do. THEY never think about how I may find their complaining overwhelming. What happened to ''supporting friends trough the toughest times''?? I'm not even the type of person to share my feelings unless I'm at my worst.
3. ''Find better friends''- Almost everyone is like this unfortunately. They don't ever put others needs first, not even once. So fucking selfish and inconsiderate.

I'm sorry but it's not anyone's responsibility to listen to your whining. If you have morbid feelings it's only natural people don't want to hear about them all the time. It can be too much. Especially if you expect to be comforted/helped and whine constantly. I was in a similar position like 6 months ago, lost all of my friends because of a mental breakdown. I was too caught up in my own whining and my own perspective, unconsciously expected others to deal with my problems for me. I desperately wanted to get better. Is your case similar to mine? I may be entirely wrong. But blaming other people for not listening to your problems is selfish. Do you listen to them? (Again I may be wrong ofc) I kinda got a vibe that you're a defensive person from the way you replied to the responses. You have to remember you're not the main character in life. Nobody is. It's no-ones responsibility to make you feel better. If you want to whine PM me, I'll try to be a friend to you.

It's hard to tell whether your friends are the problem you're the problem. Maybe both of you haha.

 

[Teddybear]

I don't mind the absence of friends in my life but I do mind the complete lack of purpose this causes.

If nobody truly cares, then why should I?

 

[Susannah]

My friends always ignore me when I talk about what I feel. Not even a ''that sucks''. It's ''oh'' or straight up nothing. Whenever my friends vent I listen, try to help, offer advice, SUPPORT in any way even if the problems are minor, EVEN IF I'M TIRED, EXHAUSTED AND DON'T CARE never let them know I think that. I try to validate them. Do anything I can. That is never reciprocated. In this world, lack of empathy is celebrated. I tried to talk about this in other support forums and here are my favorite responses:


1. ''Maybe your friends find you overwhelming'' thank you so much for making me feel even more like a burden. This makes me not ever talk about my feelings again.

2. ''Ask for permission to vent'' What kind of idiotic response is that. Friends aren't THERAPISTS I shouldn't have to schedule an appointment to talk about my feelings. THEY never do. THEY never think about how I may find their complaining overwhelming. What happened to ''supporting friends trough the toughest times''?? I'm not even the type of person to share my feelings unless I'm at my worst.
3. ''Find better friends''- Almost everyone is like this unfortunately. They don't ever put others needs first, not even once. So fucking selfish and inconsiderate.

I'm 45y. I have many friends, but only 2 real friends I trust enough to really talk to when I feel down. I've found out that, in general, people prefer more happy conversations. I use my friends for different situations and moods.

My role among my friends is "the supportive smart girl" who really listen. It does'nt necessarily go both ways. But as long as I have 1 or 2 really close ones, I'm fine with the situation.

Lots of loveS

 

[Message In A Bottle]

I have always been the emotional support to people, while people give me close to nothing in return. Just how humans are, we are selfish.

For me, it stems from childhood - covert incest. So it's kinda ingrained in me to put my needs before others.

 

[crimson blue]

Hi, I don't know the answer to your question, but I would like to try to help you.

I think you could try to talk about this with your friends and this way you might know what is going on. One possibility would be that: perhaps they are not aware of their behavior, so maybe if you talk to them this will change (this would be ideal, which often does not happen).

I really believe that talking regardless of the problem helps a lot, you can know where you failed or where others failed and how they can fix it or prevent it from happening again.

But yes, I also think that this society lacks empathy.

 

[Celerity]

There are a lot of good answers here on the ultimate whys, but here is my 2c: it's because the consequences of being a selfish flake are so much lower now than they were in the past.

If you express frustration with a "friend" for being unsupportive, they can easily move on to someone else, perhaps even someone with a much shinier online persona than yours. Once that person gets tired of their selfishness or vice versa or (most likely) both, the pattern simply repeats.

 

[hamvil]

So far I had the same experience. They told me that most of the people we call friends prefer to have light conversation or in general conversations that do not put too much burden on them. Some may tolerate the philosophical discussion around the topic of suicide if that does not become too personal. There are probably exception to this but I never experimented them. I also tend to become obsessive on a certain topic and I understood that people do not like this as well.

Anyway I do not really have friends, and the one I called friends in the past never ever contact me or drop me a message. For most topics I have the therapist as also my wife is sort of passive. However even with the therapist I do not touch the topic if suicide. I just do not want to put him in a bad situation.

The funny thing is that I am a good listener. I truly try to listen to what people say and provide some little feedback. I do not change their life for sure but I truly do not get bored at listening about other people problems or reading about them on this forum or chat. I just do not know how to help in most cases.

 

[Pluto]

If your life situation and problems are much darker and more serious than those of your friends, there is going to be an incompatibility problem. I think this is one of the reasons people find this website so valuable.