Why am I unable to kill myself ?

[Painless_end]

Why ? I have identified long back in 2012 that I am mentally inadequate to face life. I am surviving on the kindness of my parents. I have done 3 full-time jobs that started good and tapered down to the point where I had to resign no matter what, owing to my mental deterioration but also the general dead-ended ness of the job.

I am mentally clumsy in general, I have poor sense of direction. I am easily cowered by hostilities in behavior from others. My ideal life was already achieved many times over and now its been steadily downhill as real life (read:adulthood) has started hammering me down for several years.

I have no DIAGNOSABLE mental illness, just a daily difficulty in survival.

Why do I still have the biological self-preservation instinct ? Why can't I be like those people who are brave enough to CTB ?

NOTE : I do not have any great spiritual purpose. I just have biological self-preservation. But why ?

 

[R_N]

My life is horrible and living is too painful but I still do it just like you. And also I don't even know how or why. SI most likely. I never knew I could be in this situation and still live. I find taking my own life hard for some reason. Beats me. Maybe it is in my genes to suffer until I die naturally.

 

[Thereisnothing]

My life is horrible and living is too painful but I still do it just like you. And also I don't even know how or why. SI most likely. I never knew I could be in this situation and still live. I find taking my own life hard for some reason. Beats me. Maybe it is in my genes to suffer until I die naturally.

What you have replied is almost word for word for the answer I was going to leave. I cant work it out either. @Curious89 feel free to talk to us here, it does help to know that others are having similar thoughts and situations, even if it doesn't solve our problems and life, helps to know we are not alone

 

[Painless_end]

I have self-diagnosed as having a completely apathetic to life goals personality.

If I were to die in my sleep tonight, and know it beforehand, I would be smiling from the bottom of my heart for this first time in years.

Instead, I am not going to die, and have to wake up and face this horrible life again tomorrow, gives me the biggest internal frown ever.

One educational / career counselor who I visited in 2012 when I was sick of my job, had me take a multiple choice test. It was designed to accurately guage one's internal / real personality and suggest careers based on that. When the results came, he was astonished, as was I.

He told me, there is no career in the world you are suitable for, because you have no interest in any income generating activity, no ability to develop an interest either. Neither do I have, he correctly inferenced, a desire to "help" people by working in non-profit humanitarian activities either.

Basically, he said, your attitude is to get a bunch of knowledge about stuff, and then sit with folded arms, not doing anything with that knowledge.

The lack of motivation is so total in me, that I actively avoid the company of any and every successful person I know. I only confide in my parents, whom I indirectly force to accept my weaknesses, as I am their only son.

 

[mesohappy]

I have self-diagnosed as having a completely apathetic to life goals personality.

If I were to die in my sleep tonight, and know it beforehand, I would be smiling from the bottom of my heart for this first time in years.

Instead, I am not going to die, and have to wake up and face this horrible life again tomorrow, gives me the biggest internal frown ever.

One educational / career counselor who I visited in 2012 when I was sick of my job, had me take a multiple choice test. It was designed to accurately guage one's internal / real personality and suggest careers based on that. When the results came, he was astonished, as was I.

He told me, there is no career in the world you are suitable for, because you have no interest in any income generating activity, no ability to develop an interest either. Neither do I have, he correctly inferenced, a desire to "help" people by working in non-profit humanitarian activities either.

Basically, he said, your attitude is to get a bunch of knowledge about stuff, and then sit with folded arms, not doing anything with that knowledge.

The lack of motivation is so total in me, that I actively avoid the company of any and every successful person I know. I only confide in my parents, whom I indirectly force to accept my weaknesses, as I am their only son.

Its hope..There is some hope somewhere inside of you..This morning I didn't want to get out of bed,kept repeating in my mind over the shitty voices,"this is it..God please take my life..I never want to rise to walk this earth again."Then I thought,"God wont take my life..Its all in my hands" and started visualizing attempting again.I finally forced myself to get up, because I needed to feed and water my dog.When I went outside I saw the sun shining its reflection off the side of my house brightly,my dog was all full of energy jumping on me,and I felt it.8 hours of dread,fear and darkness,melted by one moment of hope.

 

[Jean4]

When you are ready, there will be no doubts, and nobody or nothing could stop you. It isn't your time.

 

[Soulstax]

SI is the strongest instinct we have, otherwise our species would have died off long ago. I think that's the reason SN is such a popular method, it is easy to do, and all you have to do is drink so much easier to overcome SI

 

[R_N]

When you are ready, there will be no doubts, and nobody or nothing could stop you. It isn't your time.

What if it's never the time for ctb and we are suffering for a long time until we die of natural cause? Life is too long.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am envious that you have supportive parents, but that does not invalidate what you feel and experience.

I have done a lot of research as to why we have evolved with survival instincts and why we are prone to believe in deities and an afterlife. It seems we may be prone to such beliefs as part of being social animals, for emotion regulation, and for survival. I am angry at evolution and biology, I feel like they screw us into relying on lies and suffering if we don't believe them, a cruel double-bind. Because our brains function with symbols, such as language, we must make and, sometimes, agree upon meaning in order to survive, such as in solving problems or communicating with others.

When one gets to the point we do, no matter how we arrive at it, the conclusion is, at least for me and for many others, that there is no meaning. But there is also no compensating mechanism for effectively dealing with that knowledge. We are powerless to create meaning that brings the necessary motivation to continue to try to function in life and social structures, and to overcome truly insurmountable problems. Dissociation is one such mechanism, but that to can fail to be effective. We have lots of mechanisms and skills for overcoming, but none for when we have exhausted all of them.

Every species evolves, I think, because of abilities to adapt, survive, and thrive. Having and making meaning seem to contribute to the success of adaptation, survival, and thriving. I am at a point where I cannot adapt or thrive, yet am still physically surviving. Every instinct and ability to overcome has been exhausted. All I'm left with is the rational choice to cease surviving and the antagonistic survival instinct. Now all my meaning-making and adaptive efforts are directed at finding the last solution I need, to cbt, which is a kind of survival mechanism of the self when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

How cruel that emotions are chemical reactions which evolved for our survival as a social species and for survival, and make us able to be manipulated to do things against our best interests (e.g., advertising, car sales, cults). Yet when they make it clear, along with our rationality, that cbt is in our best interests, the survival instinct, and our natural fears and physical reactions that serve our survival, screw us when the best way out is to no longer survive.

Huh. So this is angst. Hello, asshole emotion state.

 

[mesohappy]

I am envious that you have supportive parents, but that does not invalidate what you feel and experience.

I have done a lot of research as to why we have evolved with survival instincts and why we are prone to believe in deities and an afterlife. It seems we may be prone to such beliefs as part of being social animals, for emotion regulation, and for survival. I am angry at evolution and biology, I feel like they screw us into relying on lies and suffering if we don't believe them, a cruel double-bind. Because our brains function with symbols, such as language, we must make and, sometimes, agree upon meaning in order to survive, such as in solving problems or communicating with others.

When one gets to the point we do, no matter how we arrive at it, the conclusion is, at least for me and for many others, that there is no meaning. But there is also no compensating mechanism for effectively dealing with that knowledge. We are powerless to create meaning that brings the necessary motivation to continue to try to function in life and social structures, and to overcome truly insurmountable problems. Dissociation is one such mechanism, but even that can fail to be effective.

Every species evolves, I think, because of abilities to adapt, survive, and thrive. Having and making meaning seem to contribute to the success of adaptation, survival, and thriving. I am at a point where I cannot adapt or thrive, yet am still physically surviving. Every instinct and ability to overcome has been exhausted. All I'm left with is the rational choice to cease surviving and the antagonistic survival instinct. Now all my meaning-making and adaptive efforts are directed at finding the last solution I need, to cbt, which is a kind of survival mechanism of the self when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

How cruel that emotions are chemical reactions which evolved for our survival as a social species and for survival, and make us able to be manipulated to do things against our best interests (e.g., advertising, car sales, cults). Yet when they make it clear, along with our rationality, that cbt is in our best interests, the survival instinct, and our natural fears and physical reactions that serve our survival, screw us when the best way out is to no longer survive.

Huh. So this is angst. Hello, asshole emotion state.

Have you ever read the book of Ecclisiastes in the Bible? Not proselytizing,just sharing an stimulating read for folks like us.

 

[Jean4]

What if it's never the time for ctb and we are suffering for a long time until we die of natural cause? Life is too long.

Then you must learn to cope or try to figure out how to stay. That is exactly what I am doing. Find some kind of purpose. I am 51 years old. I may have found out my purpose thanks to this form. ;)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Then you must learn to cope or try to figure out how to stay. That is exactly what I am doing. Find some kind of purpose. I am 51 years old. I may have found out my purpose thanks to this form. ;)

It is fortunate that you were presented an opportunity that works for you to apply your abilities to make meaning (a purpose) and to adapt.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I am envious that you have supportive parents, but that does not invalidate what you feel and experience.

I have done a lot of research as to why we have evolved with survival instincts and why we are prone to believe in deities and an afterlife. It seems we may be prone to such beliefs as part of being social animals, for emotion regulation, and for survival. I am angry at evolution and biology, I feel like they screw us into relying on lies and suffering if we don't believe them, a cruel double-bind. Because our brains function with symbols, such as language, we must make and, sometimes, agree upon meaning in order to survive, such as in solving problems or communicating with others.

When one gets to the point we do, no matter how we arrive at it, the conclusion is, at least for me and for many others, that there is no meaning. But there is also no compensating mechanism for effectively dealing with that knowledge. We are powerless to create meaning that brings the necessary motivation to continue to try to function in life and social structures, and to overcome truly insurmountable problems. Dissociation is one such mechanism, but that to can fail to be effective. We have lots of mechanisms and skills for overcoming, but none for when we have exhausted all of them.

Every species evolves, I think, because of abilities to adapt, survive, and thrive. Having and making meaning seem to contribute to the success of adaptation, survival, and thriving. I am at a point where I cannot adapt or thrive, yet am still physically surviving. Every instinct and ability to overcome has been exhausted. All I'm left with is the rational choice to cease surviving and the antagonistic survival instinct. Now all my meaning-making and adaptive efforts are directed at finding the last solution I need, to cbt, which is a kind of survival mechanism of the self when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

How cruel that emotions are chemical reactions which evolved for our survival as a social species and for survival, and make us able to be manipulated to do things against our best interests (e.g., advertising, car sales, cults). Yet when they make it clear, along with our rationality, that cbt is in our best interests, the survival instinct, and our natural fears and physical reactions that serve our survival, screw us when the best way out is to no longer survive.

Huh. So this is angst. Hello, asshole emotion state.

You just pretty much summed up my thinking. For a species of a certain level of intelligence life becomes paradoxical. The very qualities that allow it to evolve and prosper are the same things that force it towards extinction. Evolutionary success seems to have a built in failsafe as a negative feedback. The truly successful forms of life are the ones that don't evolve because their environment means they don't need to. They hangs around for hundreds of millions of years in the same genetic state. They only change when the environment forces them to.
And it's all embedded at a genetic level as survival instinct. Our function is to make more of ourselves and keep that offspring alive until it can reproduce. That's why SI is so unbelievably strong. It's the meaning of life: to live. But we are mortal so we have to reproduce to continue life.
Maybe this is all working towards something bigger that will forever be beyond our understanding.
But then life occupies a tiny moment during the stellar phase of the universe and even that phase is next to nothing compared to the trillions upon trillions upon trillions of years the universe will continue for.
What a paradoxical and perplexing joke!

But I digress @Curious89 , that's kinda why it's so hard. Billions of years of genetic programming and the forces behind evolution and physics are all against it. That's no small thing to face up to.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Have you ever read the book of Ecclisiastes in the Bible? Not proselytizing,just sharing an stimulating read for folks like us.

Thank you for the suggestion. Perhaps it will help others. I have exhausted my ability to get any benefit out of religion or religious texts except for any wisdom they offer that bolster and enhance my ethics, which are strong. Unfortunately, my ethics are now only applicable to mitigating as much as possible how my exit will impact others, they are not applicable to adapting to, overcoming, or being able to emotionally or cognitively survive the circumstances that affect me. That is why I am a Good Person Effed.