Venting why am i the way i am?

[synthcadia]

i feel like i just fucking spiraled tonight, and i hate it.

it all started when i was sort of arguing with someone when i was tipsy and this person mentioned that people thought i liked my friend, when that is not the case. i have a partner that i love so much that it would kill me if they left. this devolved and it came down to me being "too friendly" and i need to be "less friendly" to respect my partner's boundaries.

first this angered me. my partner and i do not have such restricting boundaries. i am pretty sure i am autistic which is why i didn't pick up on that but also my partner trusts me, and my intentions were platonic. apparently like a week when i joined this discord server my friend wasn't sure if i was flirting or nice, but then he said that i was just very very nice, and we've been chill. and like i said i had a partner, and i didn't even notice anything, just like very friendly people.

so when i heard this being said, i was like "well should i be cold and distant then?" because i have no fucking idea how to not be me. i just am myself, and that makes me hate myself. i fucking cried over this tonight and doing so right now lol.

i texted my partner in anxiety and i am pretty sure we are ok but i am so scared they will leave on the drop of a hat, though logically i know that wouldn't happen. the anxiety man LOL. it's killing me. i feel like my whole world has come undone and everyone will leave me, and i will go through the pain of friendship and loss AGAIN.

i talked to my friend and he said i was fine, and other people are fine with me too and didn't think i gave off signals. i just felt safe with this friend, we just vibed. anyway, we talked it out and he was fine, and he said i did nothing wrong.

i just feel so bad bc lately i've been a mess, and i'm trying to work it out. but this evening made everything worse. i just fucking hate myself. i hate myself for being this nice, nice to the point where it kills me and hurts me and makes me want to ctb. i hate being autistic and having a slew of issues. i hate being me. i want to be societally normal, where this issue doesn't happen.

this person got in my head. i just hate myself. i want to ctb but i don't. i thought about cutting but i am more worried about getting in trouble than the act itself.

i hate myself. so much. and i don't know what to do.

time to sleep until who knows when. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of misconceptions, of misunderstandings, and losing friends or making things awkward. i feel like i'm on fragile ground where i beg for my life for people to not leave. im tired.

praying that everything turns out ok and it was ok to trust my friend.

 

[Nuance]

meduka

 

[BardBarrie]

i feel like i just fucking spiraled tonight, and i hate it.

it all started when i was sort of arguing with someone when i was tipsy and this person mentioned that people thought i liked my friend, when that is not the case. i have a partner that i love so much that it would kill me if they left. this devolved and it came down to me being "too friendly" and i need to be "less friendly" to respect my partner's boundaries.

first this angered me. my partner and i do not have such restricting boundaries. i am pretty sure i am autistic which is why i didn't pick up on that but also my partner trusts me, and my intentions were platonic. apparently like a week when i joined this discord server my friend wasn't sure if i was flirting or nice, but then he said that i was just very very nice, and we've been chill. and like i said i had a partner, and i didn't even notice anything, just like very friendly people.

so when i heard this being said, i was like "well should i be cold and distant then?" because i have no fucking idea how to not be me. i just am myself, and that makes me hate myself. i fucking cried over this tonight and doing so right now lol.

i texted my partner in anxiety and i am pretty sure we are ok but i am so scared they will leave on the drop of a hat, though logically i know that wouldn't happen. the anxiety man LOL. it's killing me. i feel like my whole world has come undone and everyone will leave me, and i will go through the pain of friendship and loss AGAIN.

i talked to my friend and he said i was fine, and other people are fine with me too and didn't think i gave off signals. i just felt safe with this friend, we just vibed. anyway, we talked it out and he was fine, and he said i did nothing wrong.

i just feel so bad bc lately i've been a mess, and i'm trying to work it out. but this evening made everything worse. i just fucking hate myself. i hate myself for being this nice, nice to the point where it kills me and hurts me and makes me want to ctb. i hate being autistic and having a slew of issues. i hate being me. i want to be societally normal, where this issue doesn't happen.

this person got in my head. i just hate myself. i want to ctb but i don't. i thought about cutting but i am more worried about getting in trouble than the act itself.

i hate myself. so much. and i don't know what to do.

time to sleep until who knows when. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of misconceptions, of misunderstandings, and losing friends or making things awkward. i feel like i'm on fragile ground where i beg for my life for people to not leave. im tired.

praying that everything turns out ok and it was ok to trust my friend.

This initial argument you had with the accusatory person, did this take place in-person or was it all over Discord etc?

 

[sugarb]

i feel like i just fucking spiraled tonight, and i hate it.

it all started when i was sort of arguing with someone when i was tipsy and this person mentioned that people thought i liked my friend, when that is not the case. i have a partner that i love so much that it would kill me if they left. this devolved and it came down to me being "too friendly" and i need to be "less friendly" to respect my partner's boundaries.

first this angered me. my partner and i do not have such restricting boundaries. i am pretty sure i am autistic which is why i didn't pick up on that but also my partner trusts me, and my intentions were platonic. apparently like a week when i joined this discord server my friend wasn't sure if i was flirting or nice, but then he said that i was just very very nice, and we've been chill. and like i said i had a partner, and i didn't even notice anything, just like very friendly people.

so when i heard this being said, i was like "well should i be cold and distant then?" because i have no fucking idea how to not be me. i just am myself, and that makes me hate myself. i fucking cried over this tonight and doing so right now lol.

i texted my partner in anxiety and i am pretty sure we are ok but i am so scared they will leave on the drop of a hat, though logically i know that wouldn't happen. the anxiety man LOL. it's killing me. i feel like my whole world has come undone and everyone will leave me, and i will go through the pain of friendship and loss AGAIN.

i talked to my friend and he said i was fine, and other people are fine with me too and didn't think i gave off signals. i just felt safe with this friend, we just vibed. anyway, we talked it out and he was fine, and he said i did nothing wrong.

i just feel so bad bc lately i've been a mess, and i'm trying to work it out. but this evening made everything worse. i just fucking hate myself. i hate myself for being this nice, nice to the point where it kills me and hurts me and makes me want to ctb. i hate being autistic and having a slew of issues. i hate being me. i want to be societally normal, where this issue doesn't happen.

this person got in my head. i just hate myself. i want to ctb but i don't. i thought about cutting but i am more worried about getting in trouble than the act itself.

i hate myself. so much. and i don't know what to do.

time to sleep until who knows when. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of misconceptions, of misunderstandings, and losing friends or making things awkward. i feel like i'm on fragile ground where i beg for my life for people to not leave. im tired.

praying that everything turns out ok and it was ok to trust my friend.

Resonated with this pretty heavily. My partner and I are also autistic and have similar problems.

I used to struggle a lot with the "scared they will leave on the drop of a hat" feeling.

I've found that the best way to decrease this fear of abandonment is that fear being proven wrong over and over by someone not leaving or betraying you. Rebuilding trust, essentially. It's difficult to begin with, but it becomes much more so when you're surrounded by people who'll reinforce that anxiety. This largely depends on one's ability to accurately read people and distance oneself from the unreliable ones, with a bit of luck mixed in.

The second best way to decrease the fear of abandonment is to stop caring if they leave. That decreases the "danger" per se and so decreases anxiety. If they're worthless to you, it doesn't matter. That's how I coped with losing a very close friend who stopped caring about me- told myself I didn't care until I actually didn't. It can leave a dull pain, but it's better than letting them twist the knife.

Doing these has decreased the discomfort I feel in relationships/friendships and improved my QoL a lot overall; I'm not stressed about anyone leaving 99% of the time.

I tend towards the first method because it's less dehumanizing and happier overall, but don't neglect the second.

Hope it works out.

 

[synthcadia]

meduka

meguca is pain

This initial argument you had with the accusatory person, did this take place in-person or was it all over Discord etc?

all over discord, thank god, i would fucking shut down if it was in person

Resonated with this pretty heavily. My partner and I are also autistic and have similar problems.

I used to struggle a lot with the "scared they will leave on the drop of a hat" feeling.

I've found that the best way to decrease this fear of abandonment is that fear being proven wrong over and over by someone not leaving or betraying you. Rebuilding trust, essentially. It's difficult to begin with, but it becomes much more so when you're surrounded by people who'll reinforce that anxiety. This largely depends on one's ability to accurately read people and distance oneself from the unreliable ones, with a bit of luck mixed in.

The second best way to decrease the fear of abandonment is to stop caring if they leave. That decreases the "danger" per se and so decreases anxiety. If they're worthless to you, it doesn't matter. That's how I coped with losing a very close friend who stopped caring about me- told myself I didn't care until I actually didn't. It can leave a dull pain, but it's better than letting them twist the knife.

Doing these has decreased the discomfort I feel in relationships/friendships and improved my QoL a lot overall; I'm not stressed about anyone leaving 99% of the time.

I tend towards the first method because it's less dehumanizing and happier overall, but don't neglect the second.

Hope it works out.

update: my partner was angry on my behalf against the guy and they were willing to defend me against the other guy.

we are ok and i am glad to found someone who loves me unconditionally. <3333 you are right tho!

 

[synthcadia]

im drunk so forgive me but i feel like i may use alcohol to cope.
also i decided that is houldnt ctb until no one needs me, cause i live for otther people/

my life? means nothing! i'm nothing, i should not exist in this world.

but other people? i'd die for them, which is per an iranian/persian expression.