Melancholic_Misfit
She/Her. We all end up here (in the end)
- Mar 26, 2024
- 30
She wanted to come back to me (after breaking up with me in a spur of the moment), and I only pushed her away (by insulting her friends), like the fucking insane idiot I am hahaha. All I am ever fucking good at is fucking sabotaging myself, my position and hurting others. Why the fuck am I like this? I'm such a fucking dumbass. If I wasn't like this I could've had an easier time being able to get out of this country and possibly settling down with her in a more trans-friendly progressive country. Not just that but as a partner, she's also very loving and supportive and generous; and I just took that for fucking granted.
My life could've gone a lot easier. It could've become better. And I just fucking sabotaged that. What a fucking dumb prick I am.
I'm a fucking dumbass that only likes pushing people away and alienating people and making dumb moves. I can't even fucking control my emotions for once. If I could do that and be able to calmly describe my crap I wouldn't be in this fucking predicament.
Now I just fucking shot myself on the foot, with everyone dropping me, now I have no support system anymore and I'm back to being a lonely, isolated, trans person in a country with so much lgbtphobia and conservatism. I'm such a fucking dumb bitch. I should just be locked in an asylum. Why am I so fucking erratic.
I don't even feel like eating food, that's how bad I'm feeling haha. I'm just so fucking stupid.
Sorry if this sounded so vague. I'm just trying to coop up with the grave mistake I made haha.
Like, I'm seriously mentally fucked, I know that, but I'm not this fucking stupid IRL. I'm way more calm and collected IRL. What the fuck. I'm probably just not good with text chats online, because I keep treating them like IRL interactions rather than some text on screen.
That might be it actually. I always felt hurt whenever someone wouldn't say anything at all in response on chats. Yeah, you could say that not everything is gonna warrant a response, but I would genuinely feel less hurt if they just said "Sorry, idk what to say". I hate this so much, why the fuck do I have this.
I tried to "change" this, but I never was able to. It's forever stuck with me. I feel like only voice calling, video calling or letter-style/forum-style text messages keep me from feeling this way.
I just wish I had the fucking wisdom to tell her to switch over to voice calls from text chats. I feel like that would've made a difference. Since people assumed from text that I'm mad, even though if we talked on voice call it would've come off on a more calmer tone. Like no joke, I confronted people irl about my shit calmly, which seem to come across as hostile and angry online.
Ugh, they were such a sweetheart too. And I couldn't treat her as one, when she was always there for me. I'm a fucking idiot.
Please don't be harsh and mean with me even though it seems like I deserve it.
It only just reminds me of all the verbal abuse I received from my parents and teachers throughout the years.
I'm sorry if this offended anyone or I came across as a bad person. I know I'm not a good person, and I wish someone would fucking X me for it. I wish I could fucking atone for all the crap I gave to people. Why the fuck can't I just be a nice and sweet person and just leave it at that? Why do I have to go around trauma dumping to my friends and partners who loved and supported me and treating them like shit later down the line?! Why?! Why am I like this?!
Genuinely, sometimes I wish my friends/partners would fucking disengage, block and ban me from their chats until I've calmed down, to be able to discuss stuff properly later on... yes, my emotions are my responsibility, but still...
The relationship was almost fucking perfect. Anyone else would've killed to be in my position. And yet I had to fuck that up too. I deserve way worse than this.
My life could've gone a lot easier. It could've become better. And I just fucking sabotaged that. What a fucking dumb prick I am.
I'm a fucking dumbass that only likes pushing people away and alienating people and making dumb moves. I can't even fucking control my emotions for once. If I could do that and be able to calmly describe my crap I wouldn't be in this fucking predicament.
Now I just fucking shot myself on the foot, with everyone dropping me, now I have no support system anymore and I'm back to being a lonely, isolated, trans person in a country with so much lgbtphobia and conservatism. I'm such a fucking dumb bitch. I should just be locked in an asylum. Why am I so fucking erratic.
I don't even feel like eating food, that's how bad I'm feeling haha. I'm just so fucking stupid.
Sorry if this sounded so vague. I'm just trying to coop up with the grave mistake I made haha.
Like, I'm seriously mentally fucked, I know that, but I'm not this fucking stupid IRL. I'm way more calm and collected IRL. What the fuck. I'm probably just not good with text chats online, because I keep treating them like IRL interactions rather than some text on screen.
That might be it actually. I always felt hurt whenever someone wouldn't say anything at all in response on chats. Yeah, you could say that not everything is gonna warrant a response, but I would genuinely feel less hurt if they just said "Sorry, idk what to say". I hate this so much, why the fuck do I have this.
I tried to "change" this, but I never was able to. It's forever stuck with me. I feel like only voice calling, video calling or letter-style/forum-style text messages keep me from feeling this way.
I just wish I had the fucking wisdom to tell her to switch over to voice calls from text chats. I feel like that would've made a difference. Since people assumed from text that I'm mad, even though if we talked on voice call it would've come off on a more calmer tone. Like no joke, I confronted people irl about my shit calmly, which seem to come across as hostile and angry online.
Ugh, they were such a sweetheart too. And I couldn't treat her as one, when she was always there for me. I'm a fucking idiot.
Please don't be harsh and mean with me even though it seems like I deserve it.
It only just reminds me of all the verbal abuse I received from my parents and teachers throughout the years.
I'm sorry if this offended anyone or I came across as a bad person. I know I'm not a good person, and I wish someone would fucking X me for it. I wish I could fucking atone for all the crap I gave to people. Why the fuck can't I just be a nice and sweet person and just leave it at that? Why do I have to go around trauma dumping to my friends and partners who loved and supported me and treating them like shit later down the line?! Why?! Why am I like this?!
Genuinely, sometimes I wish my friends/partners would fucking disengage, block and ban me from their chats until I've calmed down, to be able to discuss stuff properly later on... yes, my emotions are my responsibility, but still...
The relationship was almost fucking perfect. Anyone else would've killed to be in my position. And yet I had to fuck that up too. I deserve way worse than this.
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