I really wish I wasn't a planner.
As the years have gone on I became this planing meticulous person.
Every detail has to be accounted for.
Even my impulse...I probably shouldn't do this moments still have planing to it.
I feel like at times my need to have an schedule for everything is keeping me from Uber Black<That's My Version Of CTB
> I'm a little Boujie
.
Today I woke up and for a minute I was ok. I wasn't very hungry so I fixed a small bite and was getting to start my usual routine.
I had this little pause where I said how thankful I was because even in my misery I still recognize I have food, shelter, etc.
Then I thought what I really wanna do is go back to bed. I'm exhausted. The people at this new job are draining.
My brain functions off organization and they have none but if I do something they want to harp on it as if I've been there for years. It's not even 90 days so I'm irritated at them asking me questions they know I don't know.
I just know I'm gonna snap and the fact that I haven't is a miracle.
There's one woman there who is very passive aggressive towards me. Her energy feels very nasty. She's silent whenever she sees me.
I don't Mind silent but remember I read energy and her energy feels unsafe.
I can tell she wants me to cuss her out and either play victim or feel in power because she got me to engage.
Then the guest there are just constantly complaining.
And I think my brain can't comprehend it.
My brain thinks just leave and go somewhere else.
With the exception of here I suppose I'm not into complaining at poor service.
I just leave.
Even if I do say something it's in a matter a fact way and to the head person.
A woman screamed at me she has privilege and that allows her to talk to me however she likes.
But when I told her I refuse her and her privilege she became irrate.
It seems more and more people get off on being rude and crazy to employees but if the employee returns the favor they lose their shit.
I suppose working and seeing how people act out and about I pride myself on being a better customer to employees.
It's been many occasions where a person will say I was the bright spot in their day out of hundreds of horrible customers.
And all I did was be nice and or tip.
That makes me feel good that I could be the one person in their work story that was nicer than the others.
Back to me
As I sat on the couch wishing I was dead already I thought about what if I got another job in the meantime.
I applied to a couple via indeed.
Then I thought why are you applying to jobs knowing you plan to die this summer.
Then I thought why don't you call off today and see if it gets you fired.
I hate this job and life so much I'm doing risky things to give me that push I need to Uber Black.
But I'm such a planing, regimented, schedule type person that even if I hate something I usually still follow through.
But I decided to play with fire today.
I called and said I wouldn't be coming in.
So far no response which is good.
I'm going to spend the day sleeping and eating.
Watch a movie.
I bought a new book to read and I'm excited to hear her story.
If you're curious it's about a successful beauty queen who killed herself.
The book I'm assuming is her detailing her battle with depression up till her death.
She died about a week after my birthday and I so wished it was me. I had never heard of her till that day. She died brutally too. Jumped off her high rise building.
Title of her book is By The Time You Read This.
Gives me chills.
She had the world in her hands and she still decided she couldn't do it.
So I'm very interested to see what her battle looked like.
I wonder if she was a planner as well.
In my perfect world I would pack everything up in my apartment.
Leave instructions for a funeral if they have one.
Leave some money for my niece.
But I know it probably won't happen like that because I can't keep pretending to be ok.
So most likely and hopefully the way it will go is I'll be found in my apartment in my bed.
The mark is for June 24, 2024.
Not sure why but it just stuck out to me.
So I've been doing the 369 method daily and at first I just said by the end of June.
Then all of a sudden I got real specific and began saying June 24, 2024.
I also wish I didn't read so much into signs.
I see certain things that jump out at me and take it as confirmation I'm headed in the right direction.
The last sign I had that I can't shake and think of often is a very detailed dream.
I spoke on how I have those night terrors where I can feel and hear but can't move or speak. I have thoughts of fighting but no fear.
After my failed attempt those dreams became different. I began to not fight but just wait for it to be over. A surrender type of feeling.
I could even feel the confusion of the demons spirit.
Well the last one I had was very different.
This time it allowed me to speak.
I can't remember what I said but I wasn't fighting or scared.
Again it was a feeling of I don't care just take me.
The demon was surprised.
So it left. And usually after waking up I would take a moment before going back to sleep but I immediately went back to sleep.
To me that's a sign that yes I'm scared but the fear is different.
I've stopped fighting and I welcome the demon instead. I'm so ready to die that I'm welcoming demons
It spoke volumes to me ...so in my mind I'm thinking that no matter when or how, planned or not, this time will be successful.
Well if you understood my rambling and read my post
Thankyou.
I appreciate every person here and all the help and support you've provided.
You'll never really understand how much it means to me and how much I needed it.
Love
Mi Mi
As the years have gone on I became this planing meticulous person.
Every detail has to be accounted for.
Even my impulse...I probably shouldn't do this moments still have planing to it.
I feel like at times my need to have an schedule for everything is keeping me from Uber Black<That's My Version Of CTB
> I'm a little Boujie.Today I woke up and for a minute I was ok. I wasn't very hungry so I fixed a small bite and was getting to start my usual routine.
I had this little pause where I said how thankful I was because even in my misery I still recognize I have food, shelter, etc.
Then I thought what I really wanna do is go back to bed. I'm exhausted. The people at this new job are draining.
My brain functions off organization and they have none but if I do something they want to harp on it as if I've been there for years. It's not even 90 days so I'm irritated at them asking me questions they know I don't know.
I just know I'm gonna snap and the fact that I haven't is a miracle.
There's one woman there who is very passive aggressive towards me. Her energy feels very nasty. She's silent whenever she sees me.
I don't Mind silent but remember I read energy and her energy feels unsafe.
I can tell she wants me to cuss her out and either play victim or feel in power because she got me to engage.
Then the guest there are just constantly complaining.
And I think my brain can't comprehend it.
My brain thinks just leave and go somewhere else.
With the exception of here I suppose I'm not into complaining at poor service.
I just leave.
Even if I do say something it's in a matter a fact way and to the head person.
A woman screamed at me she has privilege and that allows her to talk to me however she likes.
But when I told her I refuse her and her privilege she became irrate.
It seems more and more people get off on being rude and crazy to employees but if the employee returns the favor they lose their shit.
I suppose working and seeing how people act out and about I pride myself on being a better customer to employees.
It's been many occasions where a person will say I was the bright spot in their day out of hundreds of horrible customers.
And all I did was be nice and or tip.
That makes me feel good that I could be the one person in their work story that was nicer than the others.
Back to me
As I sat on the couch wishing I was dead already I thought about what if I got another job in the meantime.
I applied to a couple via indeed.
Then I thought why are you applying to jobs knowing you plan to die this summer.
Then I thought why don't you call off today and see if it gets you fired.
I hate this job and life so much I'm doing risky things to give me that push I need to Uber Black.
But I'm such a planing, regimented, schedule type person that even if I hate something I usually still follow through.
But I decided to play with fire today.
I called and said I wouldn't be coming in.
So far no response which is good.
I'm going to spend the day sleeping and eating.
Watch a movie.
I bought a new book to read and I'm excited to hear her story.
If you're curious it's about a successful beauty queen who killed herself.
The book I'm assuming is her detailing her battle with depression up till her death.
She died about a week after my birthday and I so wished it was me. I had never heard of her till that day. She died brutally too. Jumped off her high rise building.
Title of her book is By The Time You Read This.
Gives me chills.
She had the world in her hands and she still decided she couldn't do it.
So I'm very interested to see what her battle looked like.
I wonder if she was a planner as well.
In my perfect world I would pack everything up in my apartment.
Leave instructions for a funeral if they have one.
Leave some money for my niece.
But I know it probably won't happen like that because I can't keep pretending to be ok.
So most likely and hopefully the way it will go is I'll be found in my apartment in my bed.
The mark is for June 24, 2024.
Not sure why but it just stuck out to me.
So I've been doing the 369 method daily and at first I just said by the end of June.
Then all of a sudden I got real specific and began saying June 24, 2024.
I also wish I didn't read so much into signs.
I see certain things that jump out at me and take it as confirmation I'm headed in the right direction.
The last sign I had that I can't shake and think of often is a very detailed dream.
I spoke on how I have those night terrors where I can feel and hear but can't move or speak. I have thoughts of fighting but no fear.
After my failed attempt those dreams became different. I began to not fight but just wait for it to be over. A surrender type of feeling.
I could even feel the confusion of the demons spirit.
Well the last one I had was very different.
This time it allowed me to speak.
I can't remember what I said but I wasn't fighting or scared.
Again it was a feeling of I don't care just take me.
The demon was surprised.
So it left. And usually after waking up I would take a moment before going back to sleep but I immediately went back to sleep.
To me that's a sign that yes I'm scared but the fear is different.
I've stopped fighting and I welcome the demon instead. I'm so ready to die that I'm welcoming demons
It spoke volumes to me ...so in my mind I'm thinking that no matter when or how, planned or not, this time will be successful.
Well if you understood my rambling and read my post
Thankyou.
I appreciate every person here and all the help and support you've provided.
You'll never really understand how much it means to me and how much I needed it.
Love
Mi Mi
