Venting Why am I still here?

[Life_and_Death]

I'm 99% sure most here hate me/think I'm full of bullshit. (I'm not, not that it matters you'll believe what you want and honestly I don't give a fuck however if you're thinking about it, that doesn't mean I need your hateful comment here either so please just don't. This is seriously the shittiest week in my entire 22 years so far)

Everytime I post its met with nothing but zero understanding about what I'm going through. Or posts that clearly say "I didn't read past the title".

People claiming they care and then they just stop responding meanwhile I'm still in distress. (honestly this I just assume is more me being a hopeless cause then the other person)

I'm clearly not meant to be here or anywhere. I got bullied at work, every school, girl guides, home, and "safe spaces" like here. Humans are fucking garbage and I'm so sick of dealing with them. (this comment in reference to the shitty people not the ones that try but give up. I mean... At least you tried I guess.)

 

[MYStERY_Man]

99% of the time, unfortunately, I feel the best I can do is react with an emote.

I saw the one about the fight, I saw the one about the appointment, and I literally don't know what to say without making you feel I didn't really relate, so I said nothing.

I'll keep not going there, but I can tell you why I'm still here.

Often when I post it feels like screaming into the void. But it's either that or burying it with the rest, and I feel like I'm running out grave plots inside of me. So I still post, and I find it somewhat positive, even when there's no response, even when the response is the opposite of what I'd like, at least I didn't explode. It's nice to have an outlet that doesn't shatter my entire real-life world.

Is it similar for you?

 

[signifying nothing]

For me, I think there's always so much going on for you that I don't know that there's anything I could say that would be of much use to you. I feel a lot in response to what you write, but I know what I feel is in relation to my own experiences and I know that trying to relay any sense of shared 'understanding' might not be helpful and instead harm you by taking away from what you are uniquely experiencing and feeling.

Also, I feel like a lot of what you are going through is physical/non-verbal and difficult to convey in words or try to explain to others, which is why we often get it so wrong. I feel like I would really need to be there with you physically to be of any use or help to you, but I obviously can't be.

 

[Life_and_Death]

@MYStERY_Man @signifying nothing thank you
You guys said it perfectly

 

[Life_and_Death]

(a couple hours later and some sleep)

Everytime I post its met with nothing but zero understanding about what I'm going through

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Idk if the right people will come back and read this as I don't know exactly who you are but I hope you do.

I've seen a fair amount of views on my threads and in comparison to other threads it's a bit.... But people don't talk to me. While I was hopeful it was just the above mentioned case where people feel me, I'm just so lost they don't know what to say... Because of my "big mouth" in the past I couldn't see how anyone would want to give a shit about me. I figured I was just entertainment for all the views. And maybe I am, 2 people doesn't really mean I'm not in comparision to how many people I've seen reading my threads. But from talking to other people I know there's at least a couple more and probably a few I don't know about. If I hurt anyone that does care (and I'm sure I probably did) I'm sorry. I'm just lost in my own head and it hurts. I'm even struggling to believe my friend loves me even thought he's still here and I've put him through a lot, so please I wouldn't take me too personally if I have something wrong. I hope you can forgive me...

 

[Life_and_Death]

Is it similar for you?

In a way I guess.
The reason I still post here is because while I believed I was hated I refused to let that deter me. If they hate me then that's their problem and I shouldn't be silenced because of it. (however it did still effect me as there are things I've kept to myself because of it)
The other reason is because one way or another I have to get it out. If I dont, that's when it turns into stress which leads to hitting my head ect. I don't have a choice but to share. If I want to get better I have to share so someone knows what's going on. If I don't share it just gets worse and worse. While I seem sane (going to work most days, holding conversations) I don't feel sane. I wouldn't say I'm completely insane but I'm working my way there. It seems inevitable but sharing seems to put it off for just a little bit longer.

It would be nice if I could lock my threads. That's really the only reason I still use the other site I'm on. I can lock it so no one can respond. Delete comments that upset me (I know in some/most cases the person doesn't mean bad but not right now, you know?) or I can just completely hide my thread so only I (and assumably admin) can read it. Idk maybe it's just a me thing because of the way I am but having that ability I find helpful. And no offense to anyone but expecially the deleting comments part. I mean if it's upsetting me and its still there then it's still there for me to read it and continue to be upset by it. It's easier to just delete it and pretend it never existed. Plus I seem to have an obsession problem and will obsess over things for days.

 

[Life_and_Death]

"post a picture that describes how you feel" "say one word for how youre feeling today"
there is not a picture....there is no one word....there isnt even may words. i just feel. and i want to be numb.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

"post a picture that describes how you feel" "say one word for how youre feeling today"
there is not a picture....there is no one word....there isnt even may words. i just feel. and i want to be numb.

From my end of the screen, you usually sound so intense, so it makes sense that you'd want to be numb for once.

Still the same? It can be nice to take a break from our feelings, but it can also be very boring...

 

[Amumu]

So @Life_and_Death you were the first person who talked to me on this forum and I always find your posts authentic, you acknowledge when you think you're right and when you think you're wrong, etc. Your posts are very personal and I think that's the reason why not a lot of people react to them, they don't know how to deal with very personal questions. Sometimes they can only give some words of support, and I'm sorry you've not received enough of them.

And 99% of people on this forum love you contrary to what your BPD makes you think.
They just don't know how to interact with difficult questions.

So take care of you, you're an awesome person.

 

[Life_and_Death]

From my end of the screen, you usually sound so intense, so it makes sense that you'd want to be numb for once.

Still the same? It can be nice to take a break from our feelings, but it can also be very boring...

So @Life_and_Death you were the first person who talked to me on this forum and I always find your posts authentic, you acknowledge when you think you're right and when you think you're wrong, etc. Your posts are very personal and I think that's the reason why not a lot of people react to them, they don't know how to deal with very personal questions. Sometimes they can only give some words of support, and I'm sorry you've not received enough of them.

And 99% of people on this forum love you contrary to what your BPD makes you think.
They just don't know how to interact with difficult questions.

So take care of you, you're an awesome person.

thanks guys. i needed that after this morning but i wont go into it.

MYStERY_Man, ya, well whatever "the same" means when one has bpd lol. im not doing too awful in comparison to what awful is for me.

amumu, just thnx i guess . i like to be me. plus its easier to just be me. although it does seem to make it difficult to get help in between appointments. i showed my friend this thread and he agreed, he also doesnt say much to me for the same reason. which if totally fine i understand it, it just makes that difficult for me lol

 

[Bat 17]

@Life And Death I'm always here for you and I always read your threads. I'm on a holiday from being an active member at the moment but I agree with those that say you're not hated that's just your bpd. I'd be very sorry if you stopped posting for whatever reason

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'd be very sorry if you stopped posting for whatever reason

sorry but at some point im going to. while theres the occasional nice person like yourself and the others above, this place is just too toxic. ive only been here as long as i have because i have nothing else

 

[Life_and_Death]

disclaimer: please only responses from those that roughly know my story. none of the pessimistic bs.

do you think i can "get better"?

 

[MYStERY_Man]

disclaimer: please only responses from those that roughly know my story. none of the pessimistic bs.

do you think i can "get better"?

I think so. You're young, you live in a nice country, you have some close support, you haven't given up on therapy despite suffering a lot before that session that never happened, you keep an open mind to new ideas (constantly come up with some yourself), and the message in your new profile picture kinda sounds like something my therapist would say.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I think so. You're young, you live in a nice country, you have some close support, you haven't given up on therapy despite suffering a lot before that session that never happened, you keep an open mind to new ideas (constantly come up with some yourself), and the message in your new profile picture kinda sounds like something my therapist would say.

i try. i only want to die because of internal problems at this point. externally im happy and it would suck to have to lose that because the wrong side won.

 

[Life_and_Death]

If im so broken that people cant help me why do i bother trying to get better. All i do with my mental bs is break others or just keep them away.

 

[rainbowrays]

All people do is tell me to go seek help from psychiatrist or go read the Bible and pray. Nobody can help me since doctors can't help me neither. My family too busy in church praising the lord. So I'm left fending for myself with Trigeminal neuralgia. Trying to talk to others even in the Trigeminal neuralgia support groups I'm just a failure. They kick me out when I'm venting or lock me up in psych. I'm just in pain! I'm tired of being the crazy bitch that's ever walked this earth. I don't know how to feel anymore. Why am I still here? Because of my sons. Because of them. I break down in tears every time I think about suicide and how that will effect them. So…. I gotta fight thru the emotions text suicide hotline text my psychiatrist and vent and n fb. I know nothing can be done for my condition so I have to learn how to stop asking for help go back into isolation because they will never understand. Wish I had the guts to take myself out but I don't.

 

[Life_and_Death]

If im so broken that people cant help me why do i bother trying to get better. All i do with my mental bs is break others or just keep them away.

Proof positive at this point. Im done with friends (and being single is back to not looking like a bad idea. I think im happier alone anyway)