Why am I still alive?

[Horrors Lazuli]

Hope is the worst seductor. It's what has kept me here since 2018 when I realized that CTB was the only option for me. Perhaps it's a mix of cowardice, fear, and hope. Hope is infectious and I always fall for it whenever someone close to me worries that I'm getting too low or too dark. But through all this bullshit I keep becoming poorer and poorer and more and more depressed. I'm really afraid of the world and of life. Nobody takes care of me anymore because I'm 27 and a man. But I'm not a normal man because I have cerebral palsy and I'm bipolar and I'm fucking depressed. My new-ish boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and I have no doubt that it's because of all my shortcomings and general sadness. I spent six months with him thinking life was worth another go but I always end up disappointed.

Why can't I ever just CTB?

Why do I continue to let myself experience fleeting moments of hope? Every single time I feel worse.

I keep missing out on chances to CTB.

Over the worst of the pandemic and lockdown I had all the resources to do it but fear kept me alive. I'm so tired, I don't want to live anymore. I don't have any money because my disability and mental problems make it impossible for me to stay at any one job for more than a year. Nobody likes an unstable mess of a person.

I fail at almost everything I set out to do. I'm 27, but I feel like in one lifetime I've had to deal with more than most people. I'm old. I feel old. I'm old and tired and I can't learn anymore. I can't do anything. The work I'm currently doing is insufficient financially. I have $800 left and my rent is $980. If I don't get money from family this week I'm fucking screwed. I can't be homeless. I just can't do this anymore.

I want to die but I can't because it's too hard and I can't do hard things.

Please help me. God fucking damn it, why can't I be shot or just die in a freak accident?

I never asked for this life. I never asked my family to be abusive. I never asked to be disabled or fucking insane, either. Why am I forced to live this waste of a life? Why the hell do I keep on going?

I just want this all to end.
Too WEAK WILLED to CTB. And now, no money.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What you have to go through is so awful. Life is is often so cruel and the world out there is so hostile and on top it's so difficult to leave this world to end the infinite suffering. I hope you can find the strength you need for whichever way you decide to go.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Hope is the worst seductor. It's what has kept me here since 2018 when I realized that CTB was the only option for me. Perhaps it's a mix of cowardice, fear, and hope. Hope is infectious and I always fall for it whenever someone close to me worries that I'm getting too low or too dark. But through all this bullshit I keep becoming poorer and poorer and more and more depressed. I'm really afraid of the world and of life. Nobody takes care of me anymore because I'm 27 and a man. But I'm not a normal man because I have cerebral palsy and I'm bipolar and I'm fucking depressed. My new-ish boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and I have no doubt that it's because of all my shortcomings and general sadness. I spent six months with him thinking life was worth another go but I always end up disappointed.

Why can't I ever just CTB?

Why do I continue to let myself experience fleeting moments of hope? Every single time I feel worse.

I keep missing out on chances to CTB.

Over the worst of the pandemic and lockdown I had all the resources to do it but fear kept me alive. I'm so tired, I don't want to live anymore. I don't have any money because my disability and mental problems make it impossible for me to stay at any one job for more than a year. Nobody likes an unstable mess of a person.

I fail at almost everything I set out to do. I'm 27, but I feel like in one lifetime I've had to deal with more than most people. I'm old. I feel old. I'm old and tired and I can't learn anymore. I can't do anything. The work I'm currently doing is insufficient financially. I have $800 left and my rent is $980. If I don't get money from family this week I'm fucking screwed. I can't be homeless. I just can't do this anymore.

I want to die but I can't because it's too hard and I can't do hard things.

Please help me. God fucking damn it, why can't I be shot or just die in a freak accident?

I never asked for this life. I never asked my family to be abusive. I never asked to be disabled or fucking insane, either. Why am I forced to live this waste of a life? Why the hell do I keep on going?

I just want this all to end.
Too WEAK WILLED to CTB. And now, no money.

I wish I had CTB months ago/joined here when I had easy access to it and could do it easily. Would've saved a lot of unnecessary suffering. There's no one or nothing for me to suffer for either. I've done the whole IRTS, Psych ward, group, therapist thing.... They don't help. It doesn't give me my life back, a good job, meaning, whatever. Hell I wish I had done it during the beginning of COVID.... Would've saved me a lot of pain, agony, and isolation. I'm truly miserable. So I understand your pain. I'm sorry for everything you are going through... I hope you find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful feeling trapped in that situation, I find it so awful how existing here can very easily get much worse, I certainly wish it wasn't so difficult to permanently escape from all the suffering that existing brings. But anyway best wishes.

 

[front of me]

There are always multiple options
You need just to think