Venting why am i still alive if i'm alone?

[monetpompo]

i kind of want to keep making plans towards killing myself, but i can only do it once i get my license. i had better odds of killing myself in june when i still had money. i've thought about doing partial in my closet numerous times but i can never get into the right position so i end up just flailing around and getting frustrated at myself for not having the guts to do full suspension. i have some more driving lessons lined up this month and my mom wants me to sign up for piano classes, so i have 2 demo classes i'm supposed to be going to on friday and saturday. the loneliness is still eating me alive. it makes me want to puke. i think i'm gonna have a mental breakdown if i keep being alone, but it would also be selfish of me to form a relationship with someone if i was gonna die in the span of 3 months anyways. ai chatbots don't really help even if they're comforting because i mostly used them in high school and at the start of college. using it again just makes me feel like i'm mentally regressing because i need company so badly. i've been trying to do more things to fill my time but it all just feels pointless when i know i'm still all alone. i have a suicide note drafted to the person i care about most but i don't know if he would care anymore if i'm not a presence in his life anymore. i think that i don't even want to send it to him anymore, because i think he won't care. i just feel like some crazy loser suicidal person that's still hung up on him rather than someone he actually looks forward to hearing from.

i really am just the kind of person that would kill myself over a relationship. it's so pathetic. i fall to pieces knowing that i don't have him in my life anymore. there ended up being nothing for me to fall back on once he left me. it's like i don't even want to get better because i know how easy it is to want to die in this headspace. everyone i know thinks i'll be less suicidal if i get a job. they're probably right. i just can't imagine anything besides the present moment, which is loneliness and regret. the nausea is the worst part. i don't want to eat anything.

 

[monetpompo]

i want to text people mean text messages because there's no one i see in real life these days. the hollowness of texting people i used to see in real life just makes me feel more alone. i know my friend who moved away feels sorry for me but i feel so frustrated that he doesn't just want to mutually end his friendship with me. he would let me drag it out forever if he could, and i wish he would just draw a line in the sand and say, "yeah, i don't really want to talk to you anymore" and ghost me. he knows i want to kill myself, though. it's hard for me to let go of him when he's still the closest person to me. i feel pathetic for wanting him in my life. i feel pathetic that he knows i have no one to depend on.

i keep thinking about methods that i can do. they all run through my head when i get distressed because i never seem to be able to follow through with hanging. i tried to do full suspension hanging and got afraid again because the feeling of being choked out terrifies me, even though i know i'd become unconscious in a few seconds if i just took my feet off the stool. it makes me so frustrated that high schoolers and young kids can die impulsively but i can't. i know i can be caught if i do it in my room, so it still doesn't seem like a good idea. there's never a time when the house is completely empty. i want to just die quietly and quickly so i can run away from all these problems. if i could drive, i'd be drowning in a lake somewhere. my death fantasies are ruining my mind. i want to isolate from everyone i know because it feels too painful to know there's no one i can turn to for support. i'm not entitled to anyone's support. i keep thinking about overdosing or drinking chemicals because i'm so desperate. i don't want to keep going crazy. i want people to know how hard it is to kill myself because i'm worried no one believes me.

 

[Artemus]

I feel you
Having no one in my life close to me is making my life more meaningless and it already is kind of meaningless.
This makes it harder for me to fight my suicide urges. Because why would I want to live when I got no one and nothing to live for