Why am I so freaking indecisive?

[watermelonsugaré]

I go to sleep adamant that tomorrow is the day I will finally do it but then I nearly always wake up with some sort of hope or doubt.
I wish I didn't have to fast for N, it's what fucks me I think. I wish I could take it at any moment of the day, I seem to always change my mind 8 or 9 hours into the fast

 

[Anxieyote]

Same. I'll get a decent amount of hours into the fast, then SI kicks in, and I buy a huge pizza or a giant Taco Bell burrito

 

[watermelonsugaré]

Same. I'll get a decent amount of hours into the fast, then SI kicks in, and I buy a huge pizza or a giant Taco Bell burrito

I'm exactly the same, I'll get 8 or 9 hours into it and go buy fast food that makes me happy for 30 minutes to an hour and then im suicidal again and have to hold out for another fast

 

[MementoMori81]

It could be that there is still plenty of hope for a change in the weather, as it were, for you. But I do understand what you're saying, survival instinct is an extremely powerful thing. All organisms possess it, it's why each will do all it can to fight for survival.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide can be very difficult as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive. I think personally, if I had the option of N I would find that comforting, just having a way to exit peacefully when the time is right for me. I can imagine that it must be frustrating being in that situation and I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[watermelonsugaré]

It could be that there is still plenty of hope for a change in the weather, as it were, for you. But I do understand what you're saying, survival instinct is an extremely powerful thing. All organisms possess it, it's why each will do all it can to fight for survival.

Yeah I was on this site in 2018 and was pretty sure I was ready to off myself with all the health problems and such but I stuck around and was doing "okay" until last year and I just can't see myself fighting through it this time, the health issues are much worse this time. I don't want to die but I can't see myself living this way permanently neither, it's just so fucked, I hate my life so much

 

[MementoMori81]

Yeah I was on this site in 2018 and was pretty sure I was ready to off myself with all the health problems and such but I stuck around and was doing "okay" until last year and I just can't see myself fighting through it this time, the health issues are much worse this time. I don't want to die but I can't see myself living this way permanently neither, it's just so fucked, I hate my life so much

Sorry to hear that pal. This is the thing, I think people like you and I are so prone to massive drops in mood, ya know what I mean? Like, things can seem like they're going so well, things are on the up, and then something happens and immediately exit becomes a realistic option. Every time.

I hope it picks up for you lad, I truly do.

 

[FallingGrace]

I think what sucks most about this is that being hungry can have a huge effect on some people's mood. Is intravenous administration an alternative?

 

[The Disinherited]

How long are you supposed to fast for N? Also I wonder how many people on here have ever read Hamlet

 

[Zzzzz]

I've done that as well. prepared for a suicide attempt, but after significant emotional distress, I felt like going to sleep instead. SI is very difficult to overcome, unless the circumstances allow it.