Help why am i like this?

[stupidschizo]

Why am I so mean to myself. Am I schizophrenic and its actually js a voice trying to tell me my only purpose is to make one person happy and afterwards I should js kill myself. No bcs why do i feel like this after I finally have someone who makes me genuinly feel better and who makes me happy and I make them happy. We love eachother very much she is literally the love of my life and I really hope it will work it till the end. But why ,especially after a really good day w her and i leave her so she can go w her friends, do i think abt killing myself. Do i think im finally complete in life and that im finally happy and that i want to kms bcs thats the best day of my life and i think no other day will be good after this day and then life wouldnt be worth living. But then I didnt jump bcs then i said i have to make aleast 1 person truly happy (which is her) by myactions and then kms. It truly makes no sense to me.
I do not want to kms but why do i still have to fight the urge of kms. And then always when im abt to cry i stop myself by inslting myself. i call myself a fucking bitch and worthless human being. Today was different today I kinda stood up for myself and I asked myself or my voice or my selfmade hatred why are you so mean. Afterwards I said stop being so mean and I tried to cry but I simply cant. I really really want to cry. I js want to let go of bad emotions by crying. Sometimes I just have conversations with myself and then suddenly they start insulting each other. How is one calling the other person a bitch if its the same person? Do I have 2 personalities? Am I schizophrenic?

 

[bgh3192]

Most everyone, including "normal" people, have different voices/parts and almost distinct other personalities in their minds. It's part of your inner monologue or internal family systems. Schizophrenics cannot distinguish that those voices all come from within their own mind. The voices seem to come from "another place" outside of the person's mind.
No one's consciousness is entirely whole-it's made of the many many parts of the psyche. Sometimes those parts argue with each other and can turn their frustration and aggression against the Self. It's normal, but can be distressing b/c we don't feel in control of those parts.
If you pay attention to those parts/voices, sometimes, they sound or act like our mothers' or fathers' or some other important figure from life. The tone/personality of those parts/voices are often generated very early in life.
The voice that I call "the nagging one" sounds like my mother. "The nagging one" is the one that says "You should have known better" and "that's what you get" The theory is that all these voices/parts are doing their best to keep you safe, but they are maladapted to see the whole totatlity, b/c they are only part of the psyche and can only react in their limited preprogrammed ways. There are ways to integrate these voices/parts back into the psyche achieving wholeness. In short, you try to identify that part/voice, give it a name, thank it for it's attempt to help, and convince it to integrate back into the Self. There are even parts that are "banished" out of the psyche. They are so deep and hidden; we barely know they exist. Example if you have a child like part that feels you need to hide away from life , may itself hide deep in the psyche banished to the background. In theory you provide love and comfort to the part and bring it back into the Self.
TLDR:
I doubt you are schizophrenic. My personal opinion is that you are a smart individual w/ a complicated mind. And, You as the Self, are splintered by this complexity and unable to integrate all the different parts into a Whole.
Read about Internal Family Systems to get a clearer picture of how the psyche operates. It may help decrease the anxiety of thinking you have multiple personalities or are schizophrenic.
Wishing you the best!