Help Why am I hesitating so much?

[esistzeit]

It's been some 10 days since I got my SN and I have already cancelled/postponed drinking it 3 times.

I could have done it yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that. I can also do it today but I'm not sure that I will.

Why do I keep on postponing it? There's nothing left in this life for me; what am I waiting for?

I am scared of the process. I know it's going to be unpleasant because I did a trial run with table salt (for the taste) and it was bad. But it's the last unpleasantry of my life and it's far from the worst way to die. Why am I so afraid?

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to prepare at all, that I could do it on a whim. Having to not eat for 10 hours and take pills an hour before gives me way too much time to come up with excuses to not do it.

I always give up in the last hour and I feel the relief of not having to do it today. But life is not going to get better; I'll have to do it eventually. Am I just waiting for something to push me over the edge? I don't want to do it out of anger or any other heavy, negative feeling. But it seems like if all is peaceful, I'll never bring myself to do it.

One thing I have realized is that I should not make my last day perfect. Because if my last day is really good then I will want to have another one. But I also don't want it to be unpleasant. Why the duck would I want to have an unpleasant day? It seems like I have to keep things as casual as possible, nothing special. I casually make the preparations and casually drink the SN as though I'm drinking a normal glass of water. It sounds simple and easy but the brain knows what's going on and I panic.

I have been running trials for the past few days as to acclimate my mind to the steps leading to the final act. The hope is that one of these days I will be able to take the final step.

I have made my peace with leaving this world behind but I am still scared of doing it. Fear has plagued my entire life and it haunts me even in the end.

Do any of you yourselves in the same position, with the gun to your head but unable to pull the trigger? Have you learned anything? Do you have any tips?

Thank you

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Survival instinct is in our DNA, and you're likely scared of the unknown. Both are totally normal. Most deal with this, myself included

Don't force yourself if you're not actually ready

I can't give tips, because if you die, I don't want my comments traced etc (the police investigate). That's why I never comment on goodbye threads.

I don't want to be held responsible for something I didn't cause, but I know the website has literally step by step on how to kill yourself, so I will make sure my phone isn't accessible when I end my life.

I hope you at least have an ok day

 

[Unknown21]

It's been some 10 days since I got my SN and I have already cancelled/postponed drinking it 3 times.

I could have done it yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that. I can also do it today but I'm not sure that I will.

Why do I keep on postponing it? There's nothing left in this life for me; what am I waiting for?

I am scared of the process. I know it's going to be unpleasant because I did a trial run with table salt (for the taste) and it was bad. But it's the last unpleasantry of my life and it's far from the worst way to die. Why am I so afraid?

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to prepare at all, that I could do it on a whim. Having to not eat for 10 hours and take pills an hour before gives me way too much time to come up with excuses to not do it.

I always give up in the last hour and I feel the relief of not having to do it today. But life is not going to get better; I'll have to do it eventually. Am I just waiting for something to push me over the edge? I don't want to do it out of anger or any other heavy, negative feeling. But it seems like if all is peaceful, I'll never bring myself to do it.

One thing I have realized is that I should not make my last day perfect. Because if my last day is really good then I will want to have another one. But I also don't want it to be unpleasant. Why the duck would I want to have an unpleasant day? It seems like I have to keep things as casual as possible, nothing special. I casually make the preparations and casually drink the SN as though I'm drinking a normal glass of water. It sounds simple and easy but the brain knows what's going on and I panic.

I have been running trials for the past few days as to acclimate my mind to the steps leading to the final act. The hope is that one of these days I will be able to take the final step.

I have made my peace with leaving this world behind but I am still scared of doing it. Fear has plagued my entire life and it haunts me even in the end.

Do any of you yourselves in the same position, with the gun to your head but unable to pull the trigger? Have you learned anything? Do you have any tips?

Thank you

I went through the same thing last March, I felt relieved and happy that I didn't do it, but the next day I started blaming myself, I have another try in November, I don't want it to end like before, it would be too tough I really need to do it. One of the hardest things I find in SN is the preparation. Sometimes I wish I could do it spontaneously without preparation or worrying about being found out. If you find effective ways to overcome this please let me know.

 

[genoke]

I have what I need but I'm still here cuz I messed up my big plan and now just trying to get back on dosage and find the peace to get this done before winter sets in and I'm boxed in. Bullets travel slower. Water is freezing if I take that route. I bleed way less.

What am I waiting for? A peace that will never come. There is no perfect moment to create. Am I just a coward? Am I too depressed to execute a plan? What am I waiting for?

I cannot endure another CO winter alone for no reason... winter is now Dec-May. That's 6 months. What am I waiting for?

I refuse to die in a state of fear or guilt so... wtf do I do? I gotta make a move soon before winter sets in or get into recovery. And get a gf before winter. Lone wolf eventually freezes to death in the winter and it's coming fast for me.