Story Why am I here

[MaybeAlone92]

Hello! I'm sorry for my english. I hope that someone understands me..

The problem is simple but not for me. Having been in a relationship with one man for 10 years, I fell in love with another.

Don't say sth like Johnny Deep - that's not working.

I am a religious person and I feel guilty about that. Nobody knows about my problems because for example I achieve many successes in my education (I'm PhD student) or work (I have really nice job). But because of these two wonderful men I have suicidal thoughts. I feel that I hurt them. I don't want to look at it. I see really bad person in the mirror.

Both of them I love and because of that I cry everyday when one of them (we are living together) is at work.

I want to die because of that. I can't stand this situation and feelings.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hello, welcome to the forum! Your English is good enough, apology not needed. :-)

Polyamorous behavior or open relationship isn't common even in societies which are not religious. This inner conflict created by religiosity is expected and your feeling of guilt is understandable.

However, suicidal ideation is not perceived as normal by the society either and religions do not promote suicides almost invariably. This is usually true if you subscribe to certain Christian denominations, which I assume you do.

Is there a reason why you believe your romantic feelings contradict your religion but your suicidal thoughts don't contradict your religion?

How long have you had these feelings? Believe you are in late 20s. It's an age where our emotions, especially romantic feelings, are overflowing. It's possible that you will settle down with only one person exclusively after sometime when this emotional pressure subsides.

Have you spoken to people who know you well and whom you can trust? Have you sought counselling from a therapist or even a religious counsellor whoever you prefer? After you have tried all this, you may also wish to speak to your partner with whom you are living, who may help you resolve this confusion.

Whatever you decide, do not be impulsive, think how your actions will affect the people you care about. Also understand that we don't have to victimize ourselves because of an insensitive society, nor do we have to punish ourselves if don't live up to the religious standard, because we are human, and to err is human.

You are a PhD student, I trust you will analyze everything rationally. Take care.

 

[MaybeAlone92]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I know that it sounds strange that religious person thinks about suicide and feels guilty at the same time. I consulted the problem with my pastor. He said that real christian can`t focus on his feelings, especially when they look like my strange situation. He said that, if I don`t marry my boyfriend now (or this second man), I won`t see heaven after my death etc. It will be worse than suicide (after that I couldn`t get the price but I could see the Lord etc.)... My love is sinful.

Moreover... they (my men) know about each other. My "previous" boyfriend (10 year relationship) knows that second man loves me. I know.. it`s more than strange situation but both of them - despite the circumstanses - want to be with me. Both of them want to wait for my decision!


I have been struggling with this problem for three months. I think about suicide all the time. I started to read these forum and I decide to write about that. Thank you, seriously because I know that I`m pathetic maybe... I`m so appreciate you giving me this time... may the Lord be with you!

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I have been struggling with this problem for three months. I think about suicide all the time. I started to read these forum and I decide to write about that. Thank you, seriously because I know that I`m pathetic maybe... I`m so appreciate you giving me this time... may the Lord be with you!

I dont think you will be able to resolve the problem as long as you are seeing the two men and your beliefs stay the same. So you only have two options:

1. Change your beliefs, OR
2. Change your situation.

I agree with @ThingWithFeathers you should not be victimizing yourself. Your best bet is to discuss your feelings with the man you live with. Dont tell him that you have slept with your lab mate at this point just focus on the feelings for both people and the guilt.

There is a third option however which will not be popular with the masses. Enter a polyamorous / polygamist relationship with the men and change your denomination of christianity to one of the older forms that permit such relationships. Who knows this could be your answer. Or at least be a fun learning experience for you all.

This could be your two boys hanging in the future. Go Go @MaybeAlone92 !!!