kittyshole
Art is my passion
- Oct 23, 2023
- 7
I have a (semi)loving family, I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good athletic and academics life asqell as various hobbies and skills.
I still feel hopeless.
I cut myself as deep as I can just to prove to myself, or others, that I am as sick as I say. I feel like I just waste money and insurance the my province needs for people who are actually sick for me to get help, which never ends up helping. I know my problems, all my therapists have questioned why I even show up to appointments if I know what's wrong with me. I know why I feel ways, I don't know why I can't get over it, I don't know how.
I've been feeling this way since I was nine. I had been possibly molested in my childhood, when I was eight my family got into a car crash, which I was inside. My mother flew out the windshield, I saw her body laying there. Unmoving. In a puddle of her own blood and gore.
She survived, miraculously, i still remember what her body looked like. She has a severe traumatic brain injury now, I grieve my mother everyday, I love her so deeply but my mom, the one who could take care of me, had died that day.
I felt so proud of myself for not crying in the aftermath back then. My younger sister sobbed hard, she didn't stop crying until the ambulance came and took us to the hospital, but I did nothing but sit there. I think I was in a form of shock, not realizing what had happened. It was quick, afterall, the car spinned and spinned until it suddenly stopped, all I could think in my head during was to scream, because "this is how people die in cartoons."
I think me sitting in shock there exemplified my depression further in life, my family was falling apart, after my mother came out the hospital my mama and dad had an off and on relationship, constantly arguing in front of me and my sister. We saw drug arguments, money arguments, everything. Dad stole and sold her prescription medicine which she needed for the throbbing head ache at her every move. He hurt her physically to make her submit. He still does this to his current girlfriend, close in age to me.
I moved a lot, going from house to house before eventually moving back in with my grandparents. My fourth grade year was terrible. My ADHD was showing a lot for the first time, causing frustration to everyone around me as to why I was acting so different, especially my teacher who hated my guts. The repression and 'masking' as we called it just all faded away that year. I couldn't sit still, keep my head out of the clouds, I was constantly interrupting, she constantly yelled at me for forgetting to do/bring my homework. I felt TERRIBLE. She called me stupid various times, ripped up my sheets, humiliated me, looked down upon my disabled mother. I can't blame her, how could she bring such scum into the earth such as me.
I felt ugly, fat, stupid, and above all else unworthy. I laid in bed at night staring at my ceiling, I wanted to die. At nine years old I wanted to die and get everything over with. I did attempt, I foolishly tried to hang myself with jumpropes. During this year I started to self harm, and it only spiraled from there.
Over the years my self harm has become so much worse, my arms are littered with disgusting scars that will never go away, forever tainting my body with it. Everyone notices, I'm a freak of nature for it, people stare at me and avoid me for my peculiar looking arms and legs. I don't dare hide it anymore, people should know what they're getting into with me rather than be surprised out of nowhere. They're too deep to ever leave entirely, afterall, so there's nothing I CAN do.
Present day, my life is better, if I may say GOOD. I'm doing Cheerleading, I get good grades, I've found how to "manage" my ADHD, I have an amazing and wonderful boyfriend who I wouldn't trade for anything.
I still want to fucking die.
It scratches and itches at my skin, begging to be released.
I need to kill myself soon.
I don't know what to do, why do I still feel this way when everything IS FINALLY FUCKING GOING RIGHT FOR ME?
How do I stop this, or better yet overcome the feeling that things are "good" when clearly it's not as my mental health is deteriorating.
I don't even know what to do with myself, I feel like a fraud and I'd I do kill myself I'll hurt everyone I've ever been near.
I can't do this.
I still feel hopeless.
I cut myself as deep as I can just to prove to myself, or others, that I am as sick as I say. I feel like I just waste money and insurance the my province needs for people who are actually sick for me to get help, which never ends up helping. I know my problems, all my therapists have questioned why I even show up to appointments if I know what's wrong with me. I know why I feel ways, I don't know why I can't get over it, I don't know how.
I've been feeling this way since I was nine. I had been possibly molested in my childhood, when I was eight my family got into a car crash, which I was inside. My mother flew out the windshield, I saw her body laying there. Unmoving. In a puddle of her own blood and gore.
She survived, miraculously, i still remember what her body looked like. She has a severe traumatic brain injury now, I grieve my mother everyday, I love her so deeply but my mom, the one who could take care of me, had died that day.
I felt so proud of myself for not crying in the aftermath back then. My younger sister sobbed hard, she didn't stop crying until the ambulance came and took us to the hospital, but I did nothing but sit there. I think I was in a form of shock, not realizing what had happened. It was quick, afterall, the car spinned and spinned until it suddenly stopped, all I could think in my head during was to scream, because "this is how people die in cartoons."
I think me sitting in shock there exemplified my depression further in life, my family was falling apart, after my mother came out the hospital my mama and dad had an off and on relationship, constantly arguing in front of me and my sister. We saw drug arguments, money arguments, everything. Dad stole and sold her prescription medicine which she needed for the throbbing head ache at her every move. He hurt her physically to make her submit. He still does this to his current girlfriend, close in age to me.
I moved a lot, going from house to house before eventually moving back in with my grandparents. My fourth grade year was terrible. My ADHD was showing a lot for the first time, causing frustration to everyone around me as to why I was acting so different, especially my teacher who hated my guts. The repression and 'masking' as we called it just all faded away that year. I couldn't sit still, keep my head out of the clouds, I was constantly interrupting, she constantly yelled at me for forgetting to do/bring my homework. I felt TERRIBLE. She called me stupid various times, ripped up my sheets, humiliated me, looked down upon my disabled mother. I can't blame her, how could she bring such scum into the earth such as me.
I felt ugly, fat, stupid, and above all else unworthy. I laid in bed at night staring at my ceiling, I wanted to die. At nine years old I wanted to die and get everything over with. I did attempt, I foolishly tried to hang myself with jumpropes. During this year I started to self harm, and it only spiraled from there.
Over the years my self harm has become so much worse, my arms are littered with disgusting scars that will never go away, forever tainting my body with it. Everyone notices, I'm a freak of nature for it, people stare at me and avoid me for my peculiar looking arms and legs. I don't dare hide it anymore, people should know what they're getting into with me rather than be surprised out of nowhere. They're too deep to ever leave entirely, afterall, so there's nothing I CAN do.
Present day, my life is better, if I may say GOOD. I'm doing Cheerleading, I get good grades, I've found how to "manage" my ADHD, I have an amazing and wonderful boyfriend who I wouldn't trade for anything.
I still want to fucking die.
It scratches and itches at my skin, begging to be released.
I need to kill myself soon.
I don't know what to do, why do I still feel this way when everything IS FINALLY FUCKING GOING RIGHT FOR ME?
How do I stop this, or better yet overcome the feeling that things are "good" when clearly it's not as my mental health is deteriorating.
I don't even know what to do with myself, I feel like a fraud and I'd I do kill myself I'll hurt everyone I've ever been near.
I can't do this.
