why am i even suicidal?

[wherearewenow]

i don't know why i'm suicidal. ever since before 10 years old i was suicidal. but i have no reason to be.

i'm a 19 year old trans girl with a loving and supportive family. i am decently privileged: i'm white, my mom is a university professor, sure im trans but i had a good transition and now am complimented on being pretty sometimes. i have talents, ive written music that a lot of people said they love. i have tens of thousands of followers on tiktok where i mostly make lighthearted jokes. i have friends that care about me.

but im still suicidal. i still want to be dead. and i don't know why? i should be happy. i shouldn't be on this forum, on this website raving about how sweet death would be had i only the means to achieve it. i should be okay, but im not. why?

i'm scared of one possibility: i was destined for this. my brain was wired the wrong way causing me to want to die no matter what. in that case, what good would therapy do? make me okay for a year or two before i fall back down?

i truly want to die. i just don't know why.

 

[divinemistress36]

Faulty brain wiring

 

[SelfKill]

Try to go to therapy. You may don't want to die now.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

You don't have to be underprivileged to see that this finite existence is utterly pointless and waaaayyyyy too long.

 

[etherealspring]

im in a similar situation, im 19 and have been suicidal since i was about 11-12. im from a privileged background. and tbh i still don't rlly know why im suicidal, all i know is that the thoughts haven't stopped in years. ive tried therapy and even antidepressants, but they didn't work.

i dont rlly think there's always gonna be a valid reason for feeling the way we feel. it's not like we can rlly help it

 

[UKscotty]

Depression doesn't care about your background, race, sex, bank balance or status.

It's a truly evil illness that takes away all joy and happiness from life.

 

[Ampsvx123]

How could u not? Do u desire human mediocrity for ur music or perfection? Mediocrity is of the ephemeral, perfection's from the eternal. The pointlessness of life is very tiring to any great soul with great ambitions. Thousands of years are needed for greatness, Impossibility of Earthy life.

 

[persef]

From what you reported, it seems that there is some chemistry in your brain that is destabilized. In fact, whenever a person has depression or suicidal tendencies, psychological imbalances occur. They can be caused by external environmental factors (home, family, abuse, trauma) and/or internal physiological factors (imbalanced hormones or lack of vitamins/minerals or genetic biochemical imbalance). Even a medicine can cause suicidal or depressive tendencies. It would be good to investigate with a psychiatrist. I hope you get well.
A personal question of mine. If I had someone who cared about me, I wouldn't kill myself. I would fight it. In your case, I think it's worth fighting for. It's really cool that you have insight into wanting to understand your situation and wanting to get out of it somehow. This is already something incredible. It's already a good step. If I were in your shoes, I would hold tight to the hand of someone who loves me, and seek help. It is worth it.