Why am I competing to be more depressed

[MOREorLESS]

A not-so-close friend of mine tried to CTB today and was sent to the hospital. They're safe now. Somehow that triggered me in several different ways.
First of all I can't seem to feel sorry or concerned, and I blame myself badly for not feeling those things. Being suicidal myself, I don't actually know how to respond to these situations anymore.
Secondly, for some reason I feel a strong regret not carrying out my suicide plan a couple weeks ago. When I saw them posting pictures of lying on hospital bed I remember thinking "that could've been me". That's so toxic and I don't know why the hell I want to compete to be the most depressed person. But I do. And now I feel like a coward for not ending my misery sooner, and I just want to prove to everyone that I am also struggling.

A little side note. Sometimes I feel like of all people, I believe in the stigma attached to mental illness more than anyone else. I believe that me being depressed is just me being lazy. I believe that my self-harm is just asking for attention. I believe that I can snap out of my depression if I really want to and that I am just being a drama queen. I believe that I am just giving suicide threats but I'll never do it. No one around me actually said any of that, but somehow I choose to attach all that shame to myself.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, MOREorLESS. If I had to guess, I'd say it probably boils down to a desire to be seen. Validation is a basic human need, so it's not surprising at all that a part of you would want to be seen as being as depressed as you feel. It isn't something that should feel guilty about. For starters, you're not responsible for the things you do (or don't) feel. Our feelings are usually outside of our control. They're not a choice you make, just something that happens. And yes, the irony of telling you not to feel guilty when I just stated that feelings are usually out of our hands is not lost on me. Just...try not to consciously feed that fire any more than your brain forces you to. :P

As to the stigma...I get it. People are not immune to the stigmas that apply to them. If anything, they're even more susceptible. Just look at internalized racism for example. There's a lot of marginalized people out there blaming themselves for failing to make headway in a system expressly designed to keep them down, all because they've absorbed the idea that they're dumber, lazier, or less capable than their less marginalized peers.

If you've absorbed a ton of really toxic ideas about mental health and suicidality, it's probably because you're surrounded by a culture that holds and amplifies those stigmas. Nobody has to say it you directly. Humans are smart; we pick things up through context, and you can't live in that kind of society without getting some of it in you, even if you know better. All you can really do is try to be aware of it, and push back when and where/how/ if you can.

All of this is to say that what you're feeling right now is understandable. It doesn't make you a bad or toxic person. It just means you have an innately human desire to be seen, and you want the cathartic release of being able to have the world see, experience, and acknowledge the pain you're in. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[dyn00ss]

A not-so-close friend of mine tried to CTB today and was sent to the hospital. They're safe now. Somehow that triggered me in several different ways.
First of all I can't seem to feel sorry or concerned, and I blame myself badly for not feeling those things. Being suicidal myself, I don't actually know how to respond to these situations anymore.
Secondly, for some reason I feel a strong regret not carrying out my suicide plan a couple weeks ago. When I saw them posting pictures of lying on hospital bed I remember thinking "that could've been me". That's so toxic and I don't know why the hell I want to compete to be the most depressed person. But I do. And now I feel like a coward for not ending my misery sooner, and I just want to prove to everyone that I am also struggling.

A little side note. Sometimes I feel like of all people, I believe in the stigma attached to mental illness more than anyone else. I believe that me being depressed is just me being lazy. I believe that my self-harm is just asking for attention. I believe that I can snap out of my depression if I really want to and that I am just being a drama queen. I believe that I am just giving suicide threats but I'll never do it. No one around me actually said any of that, but somehow I choose to attach all that shame to myself.

Hello, I'm sorry that you feel this way, unfortunately I think the same as you so I don't know how to advise you in any way but if it helps..I hope you get well <3

 

[AngryDog]

A not-so-close friend of mine tried to CTB today and was sent to the hospital. They're safe now. Somehow that triggered me in several different ways.
First of all I can't seem to feel sorry or concerned, and I blame myself badly for not feeling those things. Being suicidal myself, I don't actually know how to respond to these situations anymore.
Secondly, for some reason I feel a strong regret not carrying out my suicide plan a couple weeks ago. When I saw them posting pictures of lying on hospital bed I remember thinking "that could've been me". That's so toxic and I don't know why the hell I want to compete to be the most depressed person. But I do. And now I feel like a coward for not ending my misery sooner, and I just want to prove to everyone that I am also struggling.

A little side note. Sometimes I feel like of all people, I believe in the stigma attached to mental illness more than anyone else. I believe that me being depressed is just me being lazy. I believe that my self-harm is just asking for attention. I believe that I can snap out of my depression if I really want to and that I am just being a drama queen. I believe that I am just giving suicide threats but I'll never do it. No one around me actually said any of that, but somehow I choose to attach all that shame to myself.

You know, one of the worst stigmas of suicidal people is that when they say they're gonna kill themselves they're just "asking for atention". And I believe that's mostly true. There is a desire to be seen. To feel listened to. You seem to need something like that, and there's nothing wrong about it. Have you tried actually talking to someone? Therapist, relative, friend, stranger... I think it could be beneficial in your case.

Also, it seems that you know at least the basics of how depression and self harm works but, as you describe, still struggle with the feeling of the stigma around it. You'd be surprised to know how common it is to feel that way. Letting go of stigma takes time, much more time that it takes to learn about the mental disorder. My advice would be to take it one step at a time and try not to be so hard on yourself if you still struggle with it.

I wish you good luck. Take care.

 

[MoonlitNight]

A not-so-close friend of mine tried to CTB today and was sent to the hospital. They're safe now. Somehow that triggered me in several different ways.
First of all I can't seem to feel sorry or concerned, and I blame myself badly for not feeling those things. Being suicidal myself, I don't actually know how to respond to these situations anymore.
Secondly, for some reason I feel a strong regret not carrying out my suicide plan a couple weeks ago. When I saw them posting pictures of lying on hospital bed I remember thinking "that could've been me". That's so toxic and I don't know why the hell I want to compete to be the most depressed person. But I do. And now I feel like a coward for not ending my misery sooner, and I just want to prove to everyone that I am also struggling.

A little side note. Sometimes I feel like of all people, I believe in the stigma attached to mental illness more than anyone else. I believe that me being depressed is just me being lazy. I believe that my self-harm is just asking for attention. I believe that I can snap out of my depression if I really want to and that I am just being a drama queen. I believe that I am just giving suicide threats but I'll never do it. No one around me actually said any of that, but somehow I choose to attach all that shame to myself.

when you say "I want to prove to everyone that I am also struggling" it sounds like you want to be seen, it's not selfish. You're having a hard time in life and you sound like you want someone to just understand, maybe vent about it to them, get a hug, be loved and just have someone see you. We're human beings, we're social creatures. The reason why it's called depression due to feeling alone in life is because we, as humans do not want to be alone deep down.
I hope you have someone you trust to reach out too and i hope they will have the maturity to get you good support. Im sorry life dealt you these cards and I hope you get better soon.

A lot of the earlier comments have described it very well. I wish you the best

 

[gogurtlord]

its a desire to be heard, i think. i feel some same way.