I try to justify the same thing in my head by saying that everybody is selfish and only looks out for themselves but that does not make it any better. I wish there was a way we could both stop feeling like this, I feel like it's possible but it's hard
Here's the thing......the "everybody" you refer to don't generally acknowledge this trait in themselves and don't hold themselves accountable. Many people consider themselves the exception and think their one little selfish act has no ramifications for them so who cares. You on the other hand are feeling guilt. This points to a potentially good person at the root of you. We all fuck up. We all made mistakes growing up, learning how to manage ourselves in the world we inhabit. I too have been very selfish at times and I'm still ashamed of things I did however I can honestly say that I held myself accountable and made significant changes. I'm proud of who I became. Trust me, if I can do it you can too and I suspect you might already be getting started.
I've found a few simple rules to be useful as I've aged. I'll share them against my better judgment. You may consider me a little self righteous or something here but it's the truth and I'm cool with being regarded poorly as the teuth is its rare that people are genuinely like this.
- always consider those around you in your actions and words. (do what's best for everyone even if means doing nothing at all or missing out in some way/making a sacrifice)
-Be brutally honest with yourself. Make your peace with being flawed and consider us all in this together. If you fick up and over n it openly people are surprisingly forgiving. It's actually quite disarming. Especially if you're usually a defensive person or you're dealing with people who are defensive and are inclined to argue for the sake of winning and argument whether they're right or wrong. It's also very liberating to shake off the fear you instinctively carry surrounding this stuff. The first few times you do it you feel such relief and find a new respect for yourself.
-value truth/fact/science. This is a big one for me. It kind of plays into that last point a bit. Basically we're all in this so arguing the toss or playing semantics is just a waste of time and ultimately life.
-value language/words and mean what you say. Say only what you mean. Making words cheap just makes communication so meaninglessness and valueless. Donald Trump is a massive offender on that front. I mention that for context as I'm not sure if I'm really managing to put into words what I truly mean. These little rules I have haven't really put my little list of rules in writing before now.
- hold yourself accountable (to yourself not those around you) in the day to day stuff. If you ever find yourself questioning 'is this the right thing to do' then don't let yourself choose the most convenient or self serving option. It's in the little things. I find myself doing it with simple stuff like recycling. Recycling can be a ballache at times, cutting labels off plastic bottles before crushing them or washing out takeaway trays before recycling them. It's easy to just chuck them in as is but whenever I go to do it I know it's wrong and in those moments I decided to hold myself to task and do the right thing. Fuck the bigs stuff. If you hold yourself accountable in the small stuff the big stuff happens naturally. It sounds so simple to say and I guess it is. It's just so true.
This ones optional but it pays dividends if you can find the energy for it. It's not for everyone I guess.
-always be working towards making your next hours, days and years easier. I suppose its the old "don't put off today what you could do tomorrow" but to me it's a little bit different. More forward thinking and making simple but achievable plans. One foot in front of the other until you're leaping like you're on the moon.
So yeah, sickly sweet, I know. I'm sufficiently grossed out by my earnestness.
Honestly though, I've found these things to really make me like myself internally and didn't really know the value of it before I held myself to a set of standards and chose not to let myself be selfish and self serving. I have to be honest though, it's not always good. For example in the work environment you're expected to be ruthless and self serving. Being true to your values is seen as weakness and soon gets you fired from many jobs. Also you can find yourself a little lonely amongst a world of people that don't hold themselves to a particularly honourable set of standard and as we tend to judge other by our own view of ourselves you tend to find yourself always assuming better in people than they actually deserve and as a result being disappointed quite often. It's funny, when I was a selfiah asshole this was the complete opposite. I expected everyone to be a dick and often found myself amongst people with better moral values than I expected. This in turn reflected on my opinion of myself and probably ultimately spurred the seeds of change. Pretty ironic really.
If you want to go push you fingers down your throat now I wouldn't blame you. I'll let you be. I initially just wanted to say don't be so tough on yourself and see the value that's hiding behind your self deprication. :)
