KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
Wow, I am so tired of this. Does anyone else feel completely unheard and misunderstood? I feel like everything I say goes in one ear and out the other with people.
I have done over 10 years of therapy, with many different therapists and techniques. Being turned away was quite common for me, as I was told my ptsd was too complex for them to handle. I'd always get fobbed off and told to see a ptsd specialist, a consultant that literally did not exist.
With each therapy session, even as a 10 year old, I felt worse and worse. In group therapy, one of the other members told lies about everyone else in the group and I got punished at school for it, making me despise group therapy and realize how truly unconfidential the mental health industry was.
Another therapist (who lost their lisence) tried to "cure" me of autism by scolding and punishing me when I continued not to make eye contact, stutter, and show fidgety behaviors. This woman probably worsened my social quality of life tenfold, as now I'm an anxious mess in any conversation, trying my best to mask and hide autism.
The years of failed therapy are just the tip of the iceberg. Since around age 13, I was heavily medicated. Being abused at home doesn't matter, being sexually abused outside of the home didn't matter either, clearly I was just "depressed" and needed pills. So I started my first SSRI, which did nothing except make me feel like a suicidal zombie.
Everytime I'm in a medical setting I get ptsd flashbacks, and doctors would not respect my boundaries and consent, especially cause I was a minor at the time. They prescribed me high doses of blood pressure drugs, when the fucking issue was that I did not want to be touched. I got dizzy and sick from those medications too. The regular doctor said my fear and tiredness was simple depression.
So then I was shoved onto the psychiatry gravy train. I've seen probably 7 or 8 psychiatrists since I was 13, and I'm now 21. I have been prescribed over 17 medications in total, often times in poly drug cocktails that were dangerous and unnecessary.
I never got any better, my physical health kept declining, but I was told that I hadn't found the right medications and therapists yet. When I was in my last year of high school I got a viral infection and later the flu, which kickstarted my chronic fatigue syndrome. I never recovered. A couple years later, I found out that I had severe vitamin deficiencies that my psychiatrists and doctors would not test for. This was likely the cause of my neuropathic pain that started during my teenage years, now a permanent fixture of my life despite the deficiencies being corrected.
Still, I was told by others I didn't try hard enough to heal. I began to get sicker once more and unable to eat. I forced myself to see several specialists, after my boyfriend guilt tripped me and told me to face my fear "for the sake of my health". One of the specialist doctors flirted with me, ignored my lack of consent, and touched me innapropriately even though I was shaking and jerking. This traumatized me for life, because my original ptsd trauma was from a doctor.
I had many rounds of blood tests, a scan, more blood tests, and they didn't find anything. Doctors genuinely didn't know what to do except shrug. They wouldn't give me anything but drugs like Meto/Zofran, which didn't help. So I had to start doing my own research and self medicating.
If you look on the approved list of drugs in the NICE guidelines for CFS, I have tried every single one except steroids. I have tried psychedelics and weed. I have tried many supplements. There is genuinely nothing else I can do for my physical health nor my ptsd. Yet, you know what people tell me?
That I just need to see more doctors. Yes, I need to see more of the same ignorant people who abused me and traumatized me and made my real physical suffering out to be all in my head for years, until blood serum evidence proved their dumb assets otherwise. Doctors genuinely don't know how to help me. It would make my mental state worse to go through unnecessary shit that won't help.
My boyfriend and his family won't stop hounding me and act like I haven't tried everything, as if I never attempted to get better.
I got so frustrated, I threw my hands up and asked what is this magical solution some random dumbass NHS gp will have, that I've never considered? And he has nothing to say, except that I don't know better than the expert doctors. It makes me furious and disheartened, the constant gaslighting from other people.
I have tried enough, unless a miracle happens, there will be no cures for CFS and my chronic pain anytime soon. Who else gets put through this bullshit by others, who mean well, but are extremely ignorant to the limitations of what modern medicine entails?
I have done over 10 years of therapy, with many different therapists and techniques. Being turned away was quite common for me, as I was told my ptsd was too complex for them to handle. I'd always get fobbed off and told to see a ptsd specialist, a consultant that literally did not exist.
With each therapy session, even as a 10 year old, I felt worse and worse. In group therapy, one of the other members told lies about everyone else in the group and I got punished at school for it, making me despise group therapy and realize how truly unconfidential the mental health industry was.
Another therapist (who lost their lisence) tried to "cure" me of autism by scolding and punishing me when I continued not to make eye contact, stutter, and show fidgety behaviors. This woman probably worsened my social quality of life tenfold, as now I'm an anxious mess in any conversation, trying my best to mask and hide autism.
The years of failed therapy are just the tip of the iceberg. Since around age 13, I was heavily medicated. Being abused at home doesn't matter, being sexually abused outside of the home didn't matter either, clearly I was just "depressed" and needed pills. So I started my first SSRI, which did nothing except make me feel like a suicidal zombie.
Everytime I'm in a medical setting I get ptsd flashbacks, and doctors would not respect my boundaries and consent, especially cause I was a minor at the time. They prescribed me high doses of blood pressure drugs, when the fucking issue was that I did not want to be touched. I got dizzy and sick from those medications too. The regular doctor said my fear and tiredness was simple depression.
So then I was shoved onto the psychiatry gravy train. I've seen probably 7 or 8 psychiatrists since I was 13, and I'm now 21. I have been prescribed over 17 medications in total, often times in poly drug cocktails that were dangerous and unnecessary.
I never got any better, my physical health kept declining, but I was told that I hadn't found the right medications and therapists yet. When I was in my last year of high school I got a viral infection and later the flu, which kickstarted my chronic fatigue syndrome. I never recovered. A couple years later, I found out that I had severe vitamin deficiencies that my psychiatrists and doctors would not test for. This was likely the cause of my neuropathic pain that started during my teenage years, now a permanent fixture of my life despite the deficiencies being corrected.
Still, I was told by others I didn't try hard enough to heal. I began to get sicker once more and unable to eat. I forced myself to see several specialists, after my boyfriend guilt tripped me and told me to face my fear "for the sake of my health". One of the specialist doctors flirted with me, ignored my lack of consent, and touched me innapropriately even though I was shaking and jerking. This traumatized me for life, because my original ptsd trauma was from a doctor.
I had many rounds of blood tests, a scan, more blood tests, and they didn't find anything. Doctors genuinely didn't know what to do except shrug. They wouldn't give me anything but drugs like Meto/Zofran, which didn't help. So I had to start doing my own research and self medicating.
If you look on the approved list of drugs in the NICE guidelines for CFS, I have tried every single one except steroids. I have tried psychedelics and weed. I have tried many supplements. There is genuinely nothing else I can do for my physical health nor my ptsd. Yet, you know what people tell me?
That I just need to see more doctors. Yes, I need to see more of the same ignorant people who abused me and traumatized me and made my real physical suffering out to be all in my head for years, until blood serum evidence proved their dumb assets otherwise. Doctors genuinely don't know how to help me. It would make my mental state worse to go through unnecessary shit that won't help.
My boyfriend and his family won't stop hounding me and act like I haven't tried everything, as if I never attempted to get better.
I got so frustrated, I threw my hands up and asked what is this magical solution some random dumbass NHS gp will have, that I've never considered? And he has nothing to say, except that I don't know better than the expert doctors. It makes me furious and disheartened, the constant gaslighting from other people.
I have tried enough, unless a miracle happens, there will be no cures for CFS and my chronic pain anytime soon. Who else gets put through this bullshit by others, who mean well, but are extremely ignorant to the limitations of what modern medicine entails?
