Discussion Who else knows?

[InsidiousDormouse]

Who else knows that you feel like or have intentions of taking your own life?

For me, nobody, not one person off this forum in my real daily life, knows.

I have told some people, for example this drug rights organisation who I contacted a few months ago, who can put pressure on drug treatment providers such as the one who forced me to cold turkey a huge dose of benzos, that I am 'in a really bad place' but I have not told anyone of my intentions.

This is even given the fact I live with my husband, who I admit I love very much but even that cannot overpower the many excruciating health problems I have that I believe are 99% if not all linked to the benzo cold turkey.

If I did, the message would soon get Chinese whispered back to this drug treatment service, and I would be hung, drawn and quartered by them. They're not proper doctors, the only time you see a proper doctor is for a 6 monthly roasting about your drug use in your 'medical review' which is like facing the Spanish Inquisition each time.

I love how they and others throw around the word 'safeguarding', which translates to 'ass covering'. This agency's own website even has an article about suicide prevention, and how the worker being interviewed about it 'I need to safeguard myself as a worker and ensure I am asking the right questions'.

They also state that 'every client of ours is at risk of suicide unless informed otherwise'

I know how to answer those questions, thankfully, otherwise I'd be at the mercy of the world's biggest scam, psychiatry.

I'm beyond helping now, all attempts for me to ask for help would be seen as 'drug seeking behaviour'.

I don't really have anyone I CAN tell either, I don't trust anyone not to judge me or try to stop me. I have a choice here, choice is the main thing. I've had so many of my choices taken away from me, nobody's taking this one away.

I never chose to be born into this world, but I can certainly choose how and when I leave it.

 

[Santiago]

I told my father and also the reason why and he admitted himself that he understands my mental illness might just become too much one day.

Now say this to the average human and they will immediately reply with 'omg who tells his son you understand that he wants to ctb'. Well no. It actually brought a lot of comfort to me and I thank him for doing so.

 

[Done]

My ex boyfriend knows. We are both facing really rough times right now and he knows of my struggles but is also facing some serious issues himself (hallucinations, delusions, doesn't want to seek help for these things), so I'm not sure if he fully grasps my situation, but I have told him and there have been moments where he seemed to "get it".

My family thinks I'm depressed, but they don't know I have an actual plan to go.

I hope everyone here gets the support they need through others they can trust or this website. Thinking about suicide is a very isolating thing and this website reminds me I'm not alone. :)

 

[Gray Wounds]

Everyone knows. Because of them who adopted me. Their fucking tongues told everyone. And now they are telling me that I am making them suffer. That everybody knows and that I am a letdown. Fuck.

 

[strained03]

Absolutely no one. Some people know I have suicidal tendencies but not even my bf knows I'm planning to do it. I feel very sorry for him (sorry babe I love you if you read this). I have phases when I'm a full blown suicidal and others where I just enjoy my life so I take time to think.

 

[Fenrirsend]

Almost everyone in my life knows....they just don't think ill pull it off n they don't care.

 

[samhelloall9]

Apart from people on this forum, and people in similar places who i either lost touch with or they must've gone, nobody. I've done my best to cover my tracks and keep my nose clean. I mean, the fewer you tell, if any, the less risk surely? That's my approach. After all, that's my whole point of leaving an old-fashioned paper note behind, instead of anything electronic or grandstanding.

Again, if i posted something online even time-delayed or i sent a long rambling essay to the media in a delayed email, whatever, all those sorts of things it increases the chance I'll be caught before the bus and miss the bus. So i be a smart person and hence i keep up appearances but i don't give away anything untoward on social media or the internet or in reality. I keep it looking as normal and fine as possible.

If i can pass my driver's test on the first go, I don't want to have to catch the bus more than once either, you feel?

Tempting as it may seem, even to me, to want to grandstand and shout it out for the attention-seeking publicity afterward that the media love to lap up, even though i wouldn't see it. I could imagine some of the minor headlines, like 'male discovered deceased' etc. You know the media, they love a bad or good story regardless, whatever sells. Sigh.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Anyone that I've ever held more than a surface level convo with knows my disdain for my existence. I've told one ex-friend, but it wasn't a calm reasonable convo.

I've just recently held a nice convo with my cousin. I told him I'm contemplating leaving my shitty job, using my 401k to purchase my supplies, ball out for a week or two, (translation; phat blunts, alcohol, maybe some coke, and Reddit on the couch). Then drink my purchased drink and drift off.

He was very receptive and realistic. He said, of course he wouldn't like it, but her understands it's my life.

My cousin, who's really a guy I met at 15 and got "stuck" with after we took a strong liking to each other, is the only person, as of late, that I've been concerned with hurting.
This recent conversation has been a game changer for me, because as much as I know he wouldn't want me to ctb, he'd understand why. Its done wonders to help strengthen my resolve.

 

[Tiburcio]

I'm very bad trying to hide things, so bad than every friend I had or still have knows it. At least they think I'm joking.

 

[JayZT]

No one in my real life knows and if they ever do know it's because I'm already gone.

 

[Smilla]

Anyone that I've ever held more than a surface level convo with knows my disdain for my existence. I've told one ex-friend, but it wasn't a calm reasonable convo.

I've just recently held a nice convo with my cousin. I told him I'm contemplating leaving my shitty job, using my 401k to purchase my supplies, ball out for a week or two, (translation; phat blunts, alcohol, maybe some coke, and Reddit on the couch). Then drink my purchased drink and drift off.

He was very receptive and realistic. He said, of course he wouldn't like it, but her understands it's my life.

My cousin, who's really a guy I met at 15 and got "stuck" with after we took a strong liking to each other, is the only person, as of late, that I've been concerned with hurting.
This recent conversation has been a game changer for me, because as much as I know he wouldn't want me to ctb, he'd understand why. Its done wonders to help strengthen my resolve.

I told one ex-friend a few months ago and it was a horrible conversation, he told me "if I was going to do it I would have by now". No empathy or understanding whatsoever.

 

[Rocky M]

Only one of my soccer teammates knows, but she thinks I'm getting over my suicidal feelings. I really wish it were true, and I hate pretending to get better. I wish she didn't know.

 

[Weirdoee]

I'd rather not get locked up.

 

[Empty Smile]

Evweyone who knows me knows of my depression and anxiety issues.

Only 2 people outside of this site knows my intentions to ctb, they just don't know when.

 

[frank630]

Siblings and parent. They think I'm doing better but no.

 

[anna]

A friend

 

[ScaredOfLife]

I've told my sister. I also told my dad about four days ago. My dad is the reason I have a mental illness as he used to beat me when I was a kid. My dad doesn't seem to get how depressed I am. I sent him an email with a link to an article about clinical depression and I asked him to read it. He never responded. So, my dad knows I'm suicidal but he doesn't care. My sister knows I'm suicidal and she's very worried. My mom has no empathy because she has never asked me about my illness. My husband knows how depressed I am. It's just frustrating that I get no support from my parents. Not only did my father beat me but my mom just turned and looked the other way when he did it, so she's just as guilty.

I mean, come on, Dad... there's a reason I've been on disability for ten years and why I never leave the apartment. It's because my dad ruined my life and now he won't even acknowledge that I'm sick.

 

[skitliv]

he told me "if I was going to do it I would have by now"

Ugh, hate this shit

 

[deflagrat]

I told people outside my life (a few nurses, social worker, my psychiatrist) and one friend knows. I had to so that they understand my situation. I do it just to vent.

Tomorrow I am supposed to talk with another psychiatrist along with my parents, who knows what they will say to them.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

I wasn't expecting so many replies, thank you.

I think, for me, the very fact I have not told a soul says to me that I am actually serious about doing this. I have 'said' things like this in the past to others, mainly as a teenager, and tbh nobody gave a shit.

I used to go to school with this girl who'd take one extra paracetamol and tell everyone she'd taken an OD so she got the attention of being taken to hospital, I think she liked that. I always said to myself I'd never do that, if I did it I would not make it anywhere close to the hospital.

I'm quite a reserved person now, I survived Benzo withdrawal, well to this point anyway, I have a huge understanding of anyone else in a bad place, mentally or physically. I take note when someone discusses human suffering. I used to be quite dismissive, if someone told me they were in a lot of pain from some condition or other I'd think 'well you don't look like you are' etc, but now, the first thing to come into my mind is 'how the hell do you live with that?'.

I don't really have anyone I can tell, the closest I have ever come is to that guy I speak to who works for a drug rights organisation, who I've discussed potential repercussions against the place who did this to me with, but that's about it, all I really said is that I was in a 'really bad place' due to being so unwell all the time. Maybe they can use what is going to happen to me as an example of why those things must never happen again to anyone else.

A good friend of mine left a post on a social media site suggesting he felt the same way, and rather than my first thought being to say to him 'no, don't do that mate' it was 'I wonder, if he is planning that, ask him to take me with him?'.

The closer I have come to saying it, the more I realise I never will because I don't want to. As I said, I have had enough now, I am tired, aged many years ahead of my time, I am only in my early 30s, but I feel like I am more like 70-80 most days, and I carry with me the same aged wisdom of someone that age, I don't get on well with people of my own age, it feels as if they're only bothered about going out and getting drunk and working in McDonalds. This was all forced onto me by both my own actions and the dire mistakes of others.

So no, other than on here, nobody knows, I don't want them to. I am well versed in being able to hide how I really feel, I have been doing it all my life since I can remember.

 

[Imaginos]

Almost everyone in my life knows....they just don't think ill pull it off n they don't care.

Same here, sort of. Both my parents know and, while they both acknowledge how bad our own, and my, situation is (along with the unbelievable nastiness of the globe at large), while also understanding, and even partially relating to, my wish to die to a large extent, they still don't really take it seriously. They care, but they just don't think I'll ever be able to do it (at least so long as they're still around, that is) They both know I'm too much of a pussy to go through with it and, to be honest, they're right, so I can't really blame them. Having said that, I could certainly see me & my mother doing a joint suicide pact, as messed up as that may sound. It'll never happen, but only because we're both too scared/lazy. It's easier/simpler to just trudge on and hope against hope for our hearts to simultaneously stop in our sleep somehow.

 

[Final Escape]

I have told like 3 people who know me but they are not close enough to me to give a shit so that's why I told them lol! If it was someone who I see regular or I know genuinely gives a shit oh hell no I won't tell any of those few people.

 

[Comatose11]

A few people such as family, some close friends, and treatment team know that I have attempted suicide and have been in the mental hospital. But I don't think anyone that knows me irl knows I'll ctb in the near future.

 

[Morning Angel]

There are some friends who are aware I don't want to live; some others in my life who have taken my previous admissions as empty "threats"; and others who think I'm probably just going through a rough period. I've not spoken to any of these people in a very long time. There is one "real life" acquaintance who is aware and supports the decision, just doesn't know when it will happen. But on the whole, no one knows that I will be attempting soon.

 

[Comatose11]

I can't edit my post but my family thinks I'm passed being depressed so clearly they have no idea.

 

[CRM]

My family and anyone they've told. I went to a psychologist for a full diagnosis of my problems, and was unaware that he'd send the results to my dad as I'm still on his insurance. They acted worried for a few days and then forgot all about it, probably thinking I was just going through a dramatic phase. I'm actually kind of glad that they did, as I can stay under the radar when I finally prepare to do it.

My only friend also knows, but seems similar to my family in that he doesn't seem to care anymore, which is also fine. He probably won't even know that I'm dead until he sees that I haven't logged on to Steam for a year.

 

[InsidiousDormouse]

I live with my husband, he doesn't know because he doesn't care. I have openly told him in the past of my intentions and he has not even heard me. He would not take me seriously and would say I said it for attention. Everything I do is for attention according to him. When you feel like I do every single day, attention is not what you want, it's what you try to avoid. Interacting with people drains your energy, it's a huge effort that your body doesn't want to make.

I don't think there is anything anyone could do if I did tell them, they're not doctors and the ones who are dismiss me and say what I am experiencing is 'not possible'.

All everyone does around me is take my choices away, I wanted to stay on the fucking Benzos, they helped my Asperger's anxiety to the point I had a social life and the lot, all gone now, I want to choose to come off the damn Subutex and be offered pain relief for the chronic pain I am in day in day out, that's not going to happen either.

I just need to get my method and logistics sorted, then I will finally be able to make a choice for myself that nobody can take away from me.

 

[throwaway123]

Everyone knows. The whole town does. I'm really not trying to hide it anymore and to be honest I don't care anymore.