Who else is a cripple?

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Hey all, this is my first post and it's great to find a community that can discuss end of life options without the hand wringing and general hyseria the topic invokes in most other places.

I turned 30 last year. I've been struggling with severe treatment resistant depression since childhood. I first started researching how to CTB as young as eight years old and made a sloppy attempt in my late teens that ended up being intercepted.

I had some reasons to stick around in the years since, but now that my physical health has started to nosedive I'm planning to CTB within the next year or two once I get a few things in other and cross a few things off my bucket list - but I'm not about to spend the majority of my life crippled and in agony from the combination of horrible mental health conditions and in constant physical pain. I'll never get full mobility back and if I end up sticking it out, I can look forward to decades with mobility devices and constant damage control surgeries that won't provide any lasting solutions. I also have the misfortune of being a US resident and my condition has been a tremendous strain financially, so I've had to work full time in to keep my finances out of the red.

I'm really not willing to carry the burdens I've been shouldering for the past decade indefinitely, and if anything everything has been slowly and systematically getting worse over the years.

I don't think people realize how much of a factor money is when it comes to quality of life for disabled people. I don't have the luxury of a affluent family willing to help foot the bill and social welfare programs in this country are restrictive to the point of uselessness. I have to keep working, because if I stop to give myself the rest I need, I'll end up living in a tent in a ditch somewhere, and the homeless here are literally treated worse than stray dogs. I'm not going to let myself decline like that, because that's a spiral I'll won't be able to drag myself back out of.

Anyway, it'd be nifty to meet and get to know some people that can empathize with my situation in the time I have left.

 

[iloverachel]

Welcome to this forum, I am sorry to hear you suffer so much that you are thinking about CTB

Physically, I am not crippled, but mentally, I feel extremely crippled. I am talking about anxiety and panic attacks to the point I can barely leave the house and can't function most days, just laying and rotting in bed.

 

[unabletocope]

Hey, I feel you and admire your strength in persevering through your issues, I wish I had strength like that. I'm not crippled but at this point in life I feel crippled, I also want to kill myself but still considering options, to be honest becoming crippled is something that makes me wary of a lot of methods and your story affirms that for me

 

[escape_from_hell]

Sad to hear your story. It is a dark and grim realization.
I am not a cripple but have chronic pain and mobility issues creeping in which is bad enough, so can see it must be very rough for you.
I hope you find peace.

 

[StarryEyed]

HI Lovely. I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm crippled too, especially in the last year, being barely able to stand up or walk. That's what's pushing me towards the edge currently, although I've being contemplating ctb for about 30 years. I also have psychiatric issues for about 40 years. I just turned 60.

So I definitely empathise. What's left on your bucket list? I don't have anything on mine.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Hey, I feel you and admire your strength in persevering through your issues, I wish I had strength like that. I'm not crippled but at this point in life I feel crippled, I also want to kill myself but still considering options, to be honest becoming crippled is something that makes me wary of a lot of methods and your story affirms that for me

Yeah that's definitely a concern for me as well, I definitely don't need to make my life any harder than it already is by botching it. SN seems like a decent option, but I have been thinking of F for some time now. Might be easier to get F, honestly.

 

[DreamEnd]

I don't if I could be considered a cripple if it's only physical. But mentally I sure am one. Sorry for your condition I hope you find the solution you seek

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Hi OP, I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation, especially the fact that you can't even properly rest to regain any strength due to the cutthroat economic system which requires you to work constantly even in times of ill health, it is a deeply sick system in the USA where you live and that "work at all costs" mentality is fully embedded in it's public policy. If you had a donation page I would send money to help with your bills and I'm sure many others would too so that you could focus on your health.

While our situations are not exactly the same, they are very similar and I have a deep sense of sympathy for your predicament. My first suicidal thoughts happened around 12 years ago when I was only 12 years old, and I tried my best to keep going in life but when I was in my last year of high school I started to develop chronic fatigue and pain. Much like you I had to keep working but when I was in full time work I wanted to cry everyday because of how much physical pain I was in. Everyone said I would get stronger and used to it but I never did.

I can still do most things but I am crippled in ways people don't understand, there are many times where I can hardly walk due to fatigue and it takes every ounce of willpower to push when my legs are in pain and heavy and won't work properly. I also have degenerative discs and a back injury, and too much activity can put my back in a really bad state. It's been 8 years of hell now.

I can understand your rationale completely. It is one thing to have a single major illness to contend with, like depression, but then developing something else is like the cherry on top and it becomes too much to handle. There are many people on this forum who unfortunately understand this all too well and find ourselves here because the burden of dealing with multiple illnesses is so heavy.

Take care, as much as you can in these times.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Sad to hear your story. It is a dark and grim realization.
I am not a cripple but have chronic pain and mobility issues creeping in which is bad enough, so can see it must be very rough for you.
I hope you find peace.

Thank you, it has definitely been hard realizing the activities I enjoy have become more and more restricted over the years. I miss being able to go out and spend the day exploring, walking on trails, going to the zoo, theme parks, etc, but I just can't anymore. (not rich enough for a fancy mobility scooter) It's pretty lame.

HI Lovely. I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm crippled too, especially in the last year, being barely able to stand up or walk. That's what's pushing me towards the edge currently, although I've being contemplating ctb for about 30 years. I also have psychiatric issues for about 40 years. I just turned 60.

So I definitely empathise. What's left on your bucket list? I don't have anything on mine.

Yeah, feeling your body start to fail you is definitely a dispiriting experience.

My bucket list isn't particularly exciting. I've always wanted to drive a team of horses at least one time. There's some kinky stuff that I've always wanted to try, but I won't go into details on that! I also always wanted to try acid or some stronger psychedelics and go to a rave. Take a road trip out to Yellowstone one more time, but when it's not as busy as it was during my first trip.

Anything you remember fondly over the years? That's a long time to consider ctb, I've honestly never imagined myself making it that long, not even as a kid.

 

[StarryEyed]

@lovely, where would you drive this team of horses? I've never tried drugs (just pot and hash a few times). Never been to a rave either. Yellowstone would be awesome! For sure. I'm totally into nature. That's my #1 fuel source. I love road trips too.

I never thought I'd make it this long either. I'm frikkin exhausted! Fond memories? I'm a sucker for simple things and that's what keeps sparking me on. A quiet meal, hanging out with friends and family, a sunrise, a sunset, leaves, clouds, a hot shower, looking at my cat, shopping (for anything and anyone), hostessing (anything), cleaning my apartment, watching a movie, a new haircut, a new or second-hand piece of clothing, new earrings, rearranging my furniture, getting out next season's wardrobe, sitting by a tree, sleeping, photography, meditating, reading a book, giving myself a Mani-Pedi, inventing a new recipe... I could fill books upon books of all the simple things I like and that keep me going when I'm well. In fact, I don't really go for big things as I find them stressful.

But then comes the flipside of my life that changes absolutely everything - immobility, chronic excruciating pain, depression, psychosis, flashbacks....

Therein lies my ambivalence.

 

[deathslament]

You call me a disabled 'crippled' and get away with it here?
Alright, if this slur is allowed here.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Hi OP, I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation, especially the fact that you can't even properly rest to regain any strength due to the cutthroat economic system which requires you to work constantly even in times of ill health, it is a deeply sick system in the USA where you live and that "work at all costs" mentality is fully embedded in it's public policy. If you had a donation page I would send money to help with your bills and I'm sure many others would too so that you could focus on your health.

While our situations are not exactly the same, they are very similar and I have a deep sense of sympathy for your predicament. My first suicidal thoughts happened around 12 years ago when I was only 12 years old, and I tried my best to keep going in life but when I was in my last year of high school I started to develop chronic fatigue and pain. Much like you I had to keep working but when I was in full time work I wanted to cry everyday because of how much physical pain I was in. Everyone said I would get stronger and used to it but I never did.

I can still do most things but I am crippled in ways people don't understand, there are many times where I can hardly walk due to fatigue and it takes every ounce of willpower to push when my legs are in pain and heavy and won't work properly. I also have degenerative discs and a back injury, and too much activity can put my back in a really bad state. It's been 8 years of hell now.

I can understand your rationale completely. It is one thing to have a single major illness to contend with, like depression, but then developing something else is like the cherry on top and it becomes too much to handle. There are many people on this forum who unfortunately understand this all too well and find ourselves here because the burden of dealing with multiple illnesses is so heavy.

Take care, as much as you can in these times.

Hits so close to home. Juggling multiple chronic illnesses and conditions is exhausting.
I'm sorry you had to hurt like that - I know exactly what it's like to carry all of that on a daily basis.
Be well, I hope you find peace and healing.

You call me a disabled 'crippled' and get away with it here?
Alright, if this slur is allowed here.

Some study material for you;

"Should Targeted Groups Reclaim Slurs to Neutralize Them?"

@lovely, where would you drive this team of horses? I've never tried drugs (just pot and hash a few times). Never been to a rave either. Yellowstone would be awesome! For sure. I'm totally into nature. That's my #1 fuel source. I love road trips too.

I never thought I'd make it this long either. I'm frikkin exhausted! Fond memories? I'm a sucker for simple things and that's what keeps sparking me on. A quiet meal, hanging out with friends and family, a sunrise, a sunset, leaves, clouds, a hot shower, looking at my cat, shopping (for anything and anyone), hostessing (anything), cleaning my apartment, watching a movie, a new haircut, a new or second-hand piece of clothing, new earrings, rearranging my furniture, getting out next season's wardrobe, sitting by a tree, sleeping, photography, meditating, reading a book, giving myself a Mani-Pedi, inventing a new recipe... I could fill books upon books of all the simple things I like and that keep me going when I'm well. In fact, I don't really go for big things as I find them stressful.

But then comes the flipside of my life that changes absolutely everything - immobility, chronic excruciating pain, depression, psychosis, flashbacks....

Therein lies my ambivalence.

Those things sound lovely. I'm glad that you were able to find some solstice in those things.
And I understand that flip side so well. I feel like I declined so fast, and now I only have a handful of "good days" free of pain and exhaustion per year. I was looking through all my old pictures today to set aside for the service today and I could actually see the life seeping out of my eyes as time went on. The smiles just keep getting smaller and hollower as it starts to take everything I have just to stay on my feet.

I'm not going to get better. None of the doctors and treatment have helped, and the entire time I've just been declining. I'm withering to nothing and falling apart at 30 years young and it just keeps getting more painful. I feel like my illnesses have taken me over like some sort of awful parasite that crawls up in you and picks away at all the bits of your personality to replaced them with itself. I want to leave before I completely forgot what it was like to be happy and while I still have a bit of mobility left. I know it's my time. I'm tired - I want to rest.

 

[BlazingBob]

I'm a cripple. Mentally and physically. Being sick and poor in the US is basically a death sentence. I have Parkinson's and a host of other neurological conditions. I spend at least 20 hours a day in bed. I'll be homeless later this year. I worked until I got fired. I'm unemployable. I'm just too sick. I dread living another day because it's unbearable. The physical pain, sleep deprivation, painful debilitating exhaustion, horrible anxiety. Worst of all is the non restorative sleep and waking up exhausted feeling like I have the flu and staying that way all day. Brain fog, memory problems, cognitive decline.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

I can empathize with this so much. I got lucky and was able to keep my own small business running through my decline, though I sacrificed my own health to do that much. But I have been able to live comfortably so far at least. I'll completely lose any ability to work soon though and my funds will run out pretty rapidly after that point. Planning on ctb before things get to that point. Even if money wasn't an object, my quality of life has already deteriorated so much. I feel like a hollowed out husk of who I used to be, like all the vitality has been slowly seeping out of me for years and now the degeneration is speeding up.

I feel so blessed to have lived the life that I did, but I know it will be time for me to go soon.

 

[StarryEyed]

I'm a cripple. Mentally and physically. Being sick and poor in the US is basically a death sentence. I have Parkinson's and a host of other neurological conditions. I spend at least 20 hours a day in bed. I'll be homeless later this year. I worked until I got fired. I'm unemployable. I'm just too sick. I dread living another day because it's unbearable. The physical pain, sleep deprivation, painful debilitating exhaustion, horrible anxiety. Worst of all is the non restorative sleep and waking up exhausted feeling like I have the flu and staying that way all day. Brain fog, memory problems, cognitive decline.

One of my best friends is quickly wasting away from Parkinson's. I'm so sorry you're in it too.

Those things sound lovely. I'm glad that you were able to find some solstice in those things.
And I understand that flip side so well. I feel like I declined so fast, and now I only have a handful of "good days" free of pain and exhaustion per year. I was looking through all my old pictures today to set aside for the service today and I could actually see the life seeping out of my eyes as time went on. The smiles just keep getting smaller and hollower as it starts to take everything I have just to stay on my feet.

I'm not going to get better. None of the doctors and treatment have helped, and the entire time I've just been declining. I'm withering to nothing and falling apart at 30 years young and it just keeps getting more painful. I feel like my illnesses have taken me over like some sort of awful parasite that crawls up in you and picks away at all the bits of your personality to replaced them with itself. I want to leave before I completely forgot what it was like to be happy and while I still have a bit of mobility left. I know it's my time. I'm tired - I want to rest.

I totally relate to the good days getting fewer. Also I was just told four weeks ago that there is nothing more the medical team can do for my feet, and they prescribed a wheelchair. I might even lose my feet some time down the road. Ef-u-see-Kay. I've been in the battle for my feet for 12 years and I have to let go of the dream of recovery. Of course suicide is a screaming option.

Is there anything you and others do to soften your situation, to help you manage before ctb? I just did a program through a book about mindfulness to help deal with chronic pain. It's helped me a lot. I've done mindfulness for about 30 years now, but this is the first time I've tried it for pain. In case anyone is interested,

Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief,
By Jon Kabatz-Zinn