Venting Who else has been suicidal since childhood?

[FreeWilly]

I'm 38 now and have had several attempts since 19, but I remember have passive SI as a child. Praying that God or whoever would take me away. Crying at night and begging the universe to end me is a pretty regular thing at this point.

I was abused as a child pretty regularly, yet even at 38 my abuser (mom) is the only person reaching out to support me after the death of my bf. She feeds off my demise, but she masks it as wanting to be supportive. I get pretty desperate and give in sometimes.

I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I can't believe it never happened. People have told me I'm gorgeous my entire life, objectively beautiful, with a good heart, but I never overcame trauma to be in a healthy, developmentally relationship.

And now I just don't even have the energy to try, let alone go through pregnancy and parent.

I don't know I thought things would get easier the more therapy I did, but after decades of trying just about everything and realizing I'll never be loved in the way I have always desired, even platonically, it's a shame I can't just hit the switch and never wake up.

My bf CTB and I had no idea he ever even considered it. We hadn't talked in a few months prior and he left an 11 page letter to friends and family and I wasn't on it. So I must have done something wrong to not be considered in this last moments, but he was my best fucking friend. That kind of affirmed just how unloved I am.

Anyway, having an off night. I need to rehome my dog, and then I will be set, but that is going to set off red flags to everyone so I'll have to wait awhile afterwards since people will be on high alert. And by people I mean my mom. I deleted my social media accounts, my friends know what I'm thinking and they're just not reaching out. They're ready for me to be gone too.

 

[tbroken]

I had injury in youth, otherwise my life would have been a lot different. Ufortunately due to the injury i lost self esteem,i made a lot of mistakes,missed a lot of opportunities and I don't like myself anymore....now i'm trapped in someone elses's world, even people morally way worst than me and without talent. I don't like my hometown, or at least i didn't make a lot of friends with my same passions etc ... In the past i did not have a good relationship with my father. I hope SN comes soon, then I'll enjoy some time with spare money and then I will fly away. I will succeed, this is my only escape. I'm learning to detach myself from things i like, parents and stuff, it will make things easier.
Maybe i could fix things somehow and still enjoy life, but I prefer this way, i learnt that the world is full of sociopaths and even in the best moments and conditions the worst can always happen, better be prepared .

 

[groucho]

Since I was 7-9 can't remember exactly but I remember the family house I was in at the time which narrows down the age range... Fuck it was a long time ago

First plan was to stab myself with a butter knife! Kind of funny now.

 

[thinvy]

no clue when I first wanted to die precisely. probably when I found out that people can die. I remember being very small, and getting yelled at over basically anything I tried to do, and writing pages of what I did wrong and how I would be better in the future, and writing to my mother "I'm a bad kid, you should just kill me and replace me" and wholeheartedly meaning it. I didn't know how to guilt trip at that small age

 

[Malaria]

Been struggling with ideation and attempts since I was 12 or 13. I am now 29.

 

[sceáwere]

I've never been fond of living. I used to have these recurring dreams when I was small, around 7 years old, of this ghost girl who would play on the swings at the playground with me. She told me everything's better when you're dead, you have an infinite freedom - she floated and disappeared to prove it. She attempted to get me to kill myself in my dreams at least a few times. I suppose that was my subconscious representing my tiredness of life in a child friendly way. I really miss her.
In my teenage years suicidal thoughts came up more and more commonly, but I was too relentlessly exhausted to have acted on them. I'm not an impulsive person, either.

 

[RemainingDubious]

I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I can't believe it never happened. People have told me I'm gorgeous my entire life, objectively beautiful, with a good heart, but I never overcame trauma to be in a healthy, developmentally relationship.

i'm sorry to hear you've had to endure abuse pretty regularly as a child i can empathise with being suicidal since childhood and losing a partner. i'm still often at a loss for words and don't even know how to express how i feel. There doesn't seem to be words strong enough to summarise the intensity.

i'm assuming you wanted to be a mom more than you wanted to cease to exist too? does anyone ever truly overcome trauma? Who says you have to be trauma free to be lovable? "Love is patient, love is kind" and "When perfection comes, that which is imperfect disappears" that's true. Love conquers all too.

And now I just don't even have the energy to try, let alone go through pregnancy and parent.

Is that now going to be permanent? If you were to find out you were pregnant how would you feel? Still the same?

I don't know I thought things would get easier the more therapy I did, but after decades of trying just about everything and realizing I'll never be loved in the way I have always desired, even platonically

i personally haven't really found anything therapy or medication to be helpful. Is there a reason you believed you'll never be loved?

My bf CTB and I had no idea he ever even considered it. We hadn't talked in a few months prior and he left an 11 page letter to friends and family and I wasn't on it.

That must have been awful

So I must have done something wrong to not be considered in this last moments, but he was my best fucking friend. That kind of affirmed just how unloved I am.

The fact you don't know what that something was highly suggest you didn't do anything wrong. Could he have been living a double life? He doesn't define you, only you can define you unless you allow others to have that power.

my friends know what I'm thinking and they're just not reaching out.

i know that feeling too. They don't sound like real friends they're likely just known associates who are friendly when it suits them. Unfortunately that seems to be what most people are actually like

"Friends are nothing but a known enemy" - Kurt Cobain

 

[wagner2029]

My bf CTB and I had no idea he ever even considered it. We hadn't talked in a few months prior and he left an 11 page letter to friends and family and I wasn't on it. So I must have done something wrong to not be considered in this last moments, but he was my best fucking friend. That kind of affirmed just how unloved I am.

Just because he didn't mention you doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about you, I didn't write anything to several cousins who are almost like brothers to me, I don't know why, I just didn't think about writing, I don't think it's necessary, I don't know what to write.
Maybe he just didn't want to involve you, or he just didn't know what to write.

 

[Naked Weapon]

When I was six years old I had this exchange with my mother:

Me: "Am I going to die?"
Mother: "What?"
Me: "When am I going to die?"
Mother: "That won't happen for a very, very long time."
"But I want to!"

Thus, it began.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I've had a plan as long as I can remember. Always had a date in mind. Of course, I played along and acted like I'd work towards a good future, but I always knew I'd never even get to that future. I guess the only reason I didn't do it earlier is because I never had an easy method.

 

[never.more]

god i'm pretty sure i was thinking about it starting at like 12? i remember a teacher asking me what college i wanted to go to and i said "i don't wanna make it that far" ,,its kinda silly looking back lmao

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I have. I wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case even when I was very young I found comfort in the thought of eternally ceasing to exist, in fact to me death truly is the only comfort. I don't understand why anyone would wish for something so cruel, futile and undesirable as existence, I really wish I never existed more than anything, only never existing is perfection to me.

 

[theboy]

Me

 

[F@#$]

I'm 38 now and have had several attempts since 19, but I remember have passive SI as a child. Praying that God or whoever would take me away. Crying at night and begging the universe to end me is a pretty regular thing at this point.

I was abused as a child pretty regularly, yet even at 38 my abuser (mom) is the only person reaching out to support me after the death of my bf. She feeds off my demise, but she masks it as wanting to be supportive. I get pretty desperate and give in sometimes.

I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I can't believe it never happened. People have told me I'm gorgeous my entire life, objectively beautiful, with a good heart, but I never overcame trauma to be in a healthy, developmentally relationship.

And now I just don't even have the energy to try, let alone go through pregnancy and parent.

I don't know I thought things would get easier the more therapy I did, but after decades of trying just about everything and realizing I'll never be loved in the way I have always desired, even platonically, it's a shame I can't just hit the switch and never wake up.

My bf CTB and I had no idea he ever even considered it. We hadn't talked in a few months prior and he left an 11 page letter to friends and family and I wasn't on it. So I must have done something wrong to not be considered in this last moments, but he was my best fucking friend. That kind of affirmed just how unloved I am.

Anyway, having an off night. I need to rehome my dog, and then I will be set, but that is going to set off red flags to everyone so I'll have to wait awhile afterwards since people will be on high alert. And by people I mean my mom. I deleted my social media accounts, my friends know what I'm thinking and they're just not reaching out. They're ready for me to be gone too.

Where are you located. I could possibly take the dog. I live on a farm,no bullshit.

 

[Unknown21]

I have been suicidal since the age of 8

 

[dragonofenvy]

I first attempted at age 8 and have averaged about 1-3 attempts every 2 years since then. Trauma does that. I'm now 23. Life sucks for a lot of people.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i actually didn't know this was possible as i was just a stupid kid. but i've read too many posts to deny it. i feel bad for anyone who has had to go through this.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

the first time i ever planned a suicide attempt was when i was 12the only reason i didn't go through w it was bc my friend @ the time snitched on me, but i don't blame her for that. it's best not to involve/inform others of ur plans, unless u want to be saved.

 

[Final_Choice]

I have been passively suicidal since around 5 due to some childhood trauma, while it seemed enticing and better than the alternative I was/am in, I was still always scared of it, at least early on in my childhood.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

35. Had a feeling something wasn't right with two catalysts - Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park and playing Metal Gear Solid 2. Didn't like or trust people and trying to get tested for autism but the UK NHS is dog crap to say the least. Before that they thought it would be a good idea to ingest a multitude of anti depressants because that will change my money situation/environment.
This is your choice but please stay for your dog. I'm staying for mine at the moment and she is 10 but dogs are the only thing I would say is enough to keep me in this permanent hell hole.

 

[broth0100]

think i maybe started getting curious abt suicide in middle school, i kno for sure ive had passive ideation since high school. no attempts but life seems to only get worse. i feel more strongly abt it every year

 

[Gonnerr]

Never been suicidal before my 40's but always hated myself , my dna , the almost no choice we have in life , i did manage to get to 44 , that's unbelievable but this is my last year , my ctb limit date is june 8th.

Life is a stupid game where the stronger win for the sake of evolution, fuck that shit.
Its a nightmare being born.

 

[steppingoff]

since I was a teenager - probably around 14-15

 

[untothedepths]

I definitely think I have been suicidal since my early years, on and off. Relatives told me I'd try to do dumb shit like drown myself or jump out of a moving car on the highway. I didn't understand what I was doing during those times. My only thoughts were "Man, I really want to escape this place".

 

[falling_snow]

since i was 12. gaining conciousness is horrible

 

[Tired_of_myself]

sorry for your situation… hope you find some confort here and in your life…
I have SI since i was a kid… i cutted myself a lot as a teenager. i have covered my arms with tattoos because there are too many scars…
I never understood why people are so happy…

 

[dyligent]

My earliest memory of it was probably in 3rd or 4th grade. I just knew I didn't belong here and it's been that way ever since and I'm gonna be 26 now

 

[unimaginativelamp]

When i was six, i wanted to "go away." When i was eight, i learned what suicide was, and thought "that. Thats what i want."
Im 28, and still dont have the balls to do it.

 

[barelybetter]

All my life unfortunately.