Venting who am i?

[jellie]

one of the things that makes me want to CTB is my constant fear of being abandoned. I feel like I can't be my own person because I am constantly trying to be what other people want so that they don't leave me. despite being around people borderline constantly, i feel intensely alone because I don't think that I am being my actual self. but then again, I think I may have lost my "actual self". I am not sure who she is anymore or how to reconnect. I am essentially an empty vessel reflecting peoples personalities back at themselves so that they'll like me more.

the more that I try to break out of my isolation, the more alone I seem to feel. nobody really sees me. i don't think I even see me. what is the point in even being alive if I am barely my own person.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Child Trauma, PTSD, autism (masking), it can be a few things. I posted this on another thread but I feel it's relevant to you - read the YT comments - there's a lot of good information



Edit: this may not apply to you but I would heavily delve into mediums especially music and video games. It's not even escapism (I would say it goes beyond that) like you erase everything around you and you are the characters in the game. I did it very vividly with Ocarina Of Time on the N64.

 

[jellie]

Child Trauma, PTSD, autism (masking), it can be a few things. I posted this on another thread but I feel it's relevant to you - read the YT comments - there's a lot of good information



Edit: this may not apply to you but I would heavily delve into mediums especially music and video games. It's not even escapism (I would say it goes beyond that) like you erase everything around you and you are the characters in the game. I did it very vividly with Ocarina Of Time on the N64.

that is a really wonderful video. Jack Stauber is a fantastic artist. and yeah i can really relate to throwing myself into characters. i have always been a big movie fan and i feel like when i am watching something like that i can just fall away from myself. not sure if that makes sense.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

that is a really wonderful video. Jack Stauber is a fantastic artist. and yeah i can really relate to throwing myself into characters. i have always been a big movie fan and i feel like when i am watching something like that i can just fall away from myself. not sure if that makes sense.

I find it harder with movies because there is no interaction. To me it's more being part of the group. With games it's different because you are making the movements and you decide when it advances or doesn't, etc. that's how my brain works for it.

Opal is amazing in terms of its look, art, music but the context is….. yeah resonates a bit too well.

I have the same thing with Linkin Park. They'll release a new song and I know Chester isn't here anymore but my mind has to circle back to when he was and my life events when albums got released. But that can never happen again. I listened a lot to music to not hear shouting parents and to be alone at school (not draw attention to).

 

[jellie]

I find it harder with movies because there is no interaction. To me it's more being part of the group. With games it's different because you are making the movements and you decide when it advances or doesn't, etc. that's how my brain works for it.

Opal is amazing in terms of its look, art, music but the context is….. yeah resonates a bit too well.

I have the same thing with Linkin Park. They'll release a new song and I know Chester isn't here anymore but my mind has to circle back to when he was and my life events when albums got released. But that can never happen again. I listened a lot to music to not hear shouting parents and to be alone at school (not draw attention to).

i think it is easier to fall into it with TV shows since they are longer formats. But i have always loved anything in which i could see a group of friends interact. bands, youtubers, TV shows, movies.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

i think it is easier to fall into it with TV shows since they are longer formats. But i have always loved anything in which i could see a group of friends interact. bands, youtubers, TV shows, movies.

Tv shows would be easier because of the continuity and they aren't just over in two hours (like movies) so that's makes sense.