BroodingBleu
MtF
- Feb 16, 2023
- 92
[CW: Discussion of SA, Child Abuse, Combat Experiences Etc]
I made an impromptu appointment with my therapist for today in a couple hours, and I think it's time for me to tell her everything there is to know. I think of this as my last-ditch attempt at getting the help I desperately feel like I need. As the appointment gets closer, I'm feeling this immense sense of dread and anxiety that I'm possibly making a mistake. So, if I end up disappearing for a while, that's the reason. I wanted to leave a brief synopsis of my life here as somewhat of a vent as I try to progress in a positive direction. They say "talking about it" helps after all.
When I was younger, I was victim of physical abuse at the hands of a parental figure, being chased around the house with a knife and having to run away and stay somewhere else, to being made to shower with adult men somewhat frequently well beyond the years where a child should have to be supervised. I spent most of this time forcing myself to be who I was expected to be as a teen, masculine, doing things such as mechanics agriculture and sports to mask the fact I really didn't like anything I was doing or who I was.
In my teenage to adult life, I found myself in a relationship with someone who allowed me to question my gender identity and who I was, which I am thankful for. However, this individual was also what spurred me to relive all my past traumas when I was younger through the same acts as a young adult forcing me to have sex when I wasn't ready for it, hitting me when I argued as well as gaslighting me to be dependent on them, which sadly worked very well. During this time, I was in the military, and "escaped" the relationship via deployment where I experienced the death of one of my friends of, at the time 5 years when he was struck by a mortar strike during an attack on our FOB. this same deployment is when the Army learned I was transgender and kicked me off the deployment and effectively forced me out of the military.
When I came home, I did what all other jobless servicemembers do and became a first responder, where I saw so much death and gore that it became casual and desensitized. The only time I can effectively remember particular incidents is when I see them in my dreams, which is almost nightly, unable to sleep longer than 6 hours a night if I'm lucky. After spending six years working for them, I made a slip of the tongue and mentioned I had bipolar disorder and that led them to forcing me to resign as I was potentially a risk to myself and others.
Now, here I am. Jobless, Friendless, Transitioning alone. I don't even know who I am.
I made an impromptu appointment with my therapist for today in a couple hours, and I think it's time for me to tell her everything there is to know. I think of this as my last-ditch attempt at getting the help I desperately feel like I need. As the appointment gets closer, I'm feeling this immense sense of dread and anxiety that I'm possibly making a mistake. So, if I end up disappearing for a while, that's the reason. I wanted to leave a brief synopsis of my life here as somewhat of a vent as I try to progress in a positive direction. They say "talking about it" helps after all.
When I was younger, I was victim of physical abuse at the hands of a parental figure, being chased around the house with a knife and having to run away and stay somewhere else, to being made to shower with adult men somewhat frequently well beyond the years where a child should have to be supervised. I spent most of this time forcing myself to be who I was expected to be as a teen, masculine, doing things such as mechanics agriculture and sports to mask the fact I really didn't like anything I was doing or who I was.
In my teenage to adult life, I found myself in a relationship with someone who allowed me to question my gender identity and who I was, which I am thankful for. However, this individual was also what spurred me to relive all my past traumas when I was younger through the same acts as a young adult forcing me to have sex when I wasn't ready for it, hitting me when I argued as well as gaslighting me to be dependent on them, which sadly worked very well. During this time, I was in the military, and "escaped" the relationship via deployment where I experienced the death of one of my friends of, at the time 5 years when he was struck by a mortar strike during an attack on our FOB. this same deployment is when the Army learned I was transgender and kicked me off the deployment and effectively forced me out of the military.
When I came home, I did what all other jobless servicemembers do and became a first responder, where I saw so much death and gore that it became casual and desensitized. The only time I can effectively remember particular incidents is when I see them in my dreams, which is almost nightly, unable to sleep longer than 6 hours a night if I'm lucky. After spending six years working for them, I made a slip of the tongue and mentioned I had bipolar disorder and that led them to forcing me to resign as I was potentially a risk to myself and others.
Now, here I am. Jobless, Friendless, Transitioning alone. I don't even know who I am.
