Discussion Which Thoughts make you want to CTB instantly?

[_Minsk]

HI!
Do you have any thoughts which make you want to CTB instantly?
Collecting them to give me a push when my time has come, also interested in knowing which ones you trigger
Mine is thinking about the past, when things weren't that hard and i actually enjoyed waking up and having passion for life..
Also thinking about the past where my health wasn't robing all of my dreams

 

[OddOne]

Knowing that because of my background I will not have the same opportunities other people will have. Thinking about how the world is not meritorious.

Also lamenting the years I spent helping others in social services when I should have been helping myself. Had I not wasted years on others, I might be where I want to be in life. Back when I was young I thought others would help me when I needed help and that's just not the case.

 

[BadRNG]

HI!
Do you have any thoughts which make you want to CTB instantly?
Collecting them to give me a push when my time has come, also interested in knowing which ones you trigger
Mine is thinking about the past, when things weren't that hard and i actually enjoyed waking up and having passion for life..
Also thinking about the past where my health wasn't robing all of my dreams

Yes, everytime I think about the future I get extremely angry, I get envious of other normal human beings , a lot of my friends are in relationships and I am not because I can't , I don't like the opposite gender , there is no attraction no matter how hard I try. I would do anything to be like everyone , I would rather lose 30iq.
This constant suppression , bottling up and self torture is killing me.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Seeing how old I and my childhood classmates become year by year and knowing I will never be a child again it makes me instantly want to kill myself more than anything else.

 

[V0latile]

Realizing that even if my mental problems I'm working to overcome go away, I still won't be able to find a job. I haven't worked in years, I don't have a degree, no references, and there's not many options where I live. Being on disability is unbearable. Trapped at home is hell. I've been considering going to the gym but I don't see the point.

But I'm too afraid to jump. It's my method because it's flawless if the bridge is high enough. I've been staying alive for my parents, but I don't see much point in that anymore. They can't live my life for me.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

when i start thinking how life has been always unfair to me that's when i wanna kill my self. not giving me the same choices like other people. not making me grow normal like others. small hands and an height almost like a stupid dwarf. can't even sleep at night. every night i'm praying it is my last one in this meaningless life

 

[Smashingairwaves]

Had to put my cat down last night and I think that has pushed me over the edge

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Realizing that even if my mental problems I'm working to overcome go away, I still won't be able to find a job. I haven't worked in years, I don't have a degree, no references, and there's not many options where I live. Being on disability is unbearable. Trapped at home is hell. I've been considering going to the gym but I don't see the point.

But I'm too afraid to jump. It's my method because it's flawless if the bridge is high enough. I've been staying alive for my parents, but I don't see much point in that anymore. They can't live my life for me.

I can relate to so many things here. Therapy and meds can't fix me for being an outcast. I'm getting closer to the 10 year mark of not working or studying and although I have a Bachelor's degree it's worth nothing because it's outdated. If I would go to the gym I would be doing it for others and not me. I've tried it a couple of times and I always lose my motivation. I'm also basically just living because my mother is still alive; I'm her only child and I think my death would devastate her. But it's getting harder every day because my life really has no meaning.

 

[k75]

I can't let myself think too hard about the possibility of my cancer recurring, or it's an instant panic trigger.

Thinking about my past surgeries and mutilation, my cat, my current health problems, and my last relationship also are very dangerous for me. I can keep it casual like just listing them here and it's ok, but if I start to really look at it, I begin to spiral super fast.

 

[TAW122]

A few thoughts actually. First off, my Aspergers and all the things I "could have had" if I were only born without it (like what most people were) and being able to relate to people and others to me as well. Second, my anxiety stuff that has not only crippled my social interactions with people but also crippled my hobbies and I am no longer able to pursue the hobby to the standard I wish to get (music and stuff). Third, a lot of shit that happened in life and the fact that I'm powerless to change it and won't accept the way it is. Fourth, the world sucks and will continue to suck, I don't look forward to living a long life. Fifth, the fact that voluntary euthanasia is still not a thing in 2020 (and likely won't be until many decades, if ever) and that involuntary commitment, treatment is still legal and consitutional is disgusting. I don't wish to live in a world that forbids going out with dignity and peace, yet sanctions forced treatment and blatant violations of one's civil rights without due process. There are more, but this is just a few.

 

[porfin1234]

I've been mostly a bad and toxic person all my life.
I will likely lose my career and go broke.
I reached the peak of my life only at 32 and will go down hill from there- at least 40 years if I don't end it quick.
I have to teach at this school

 

[Broken Chimera]

Even if every problem I have was fixed, there are certain things that happened that can't be fixed. The things that can't are things that destroyed my life. I don't even care to fix anything after all of that.

 

[S1mpleme]

HI!
Do you have any thoughts which make you want to CTB instantly?
Collecting them to give me a push when my time has come, also interested in knowing which ones you trigger
Mine is thinking about the past, when things weren't that hard and i actually enjoyed waking up and having passion for life..
Also thinking about the past where my health wasn't robing all of my dreams

I guess the best trigger to me is thinking about people. I just think about those that made me pain in my life and how they are selfish.

 

[Chalken]

Thoughts that I'm a worthless, good-for-nothing trash that won't be able to achieve anything in life. You know, the usual.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

The thought that my life has and always will be totally pointless makes me think I don't want to be here any longer than I have to.

 

[BlueWidow]

HI!
Do you have any thoughts which make you want to CTB instantly?
Collecting them to give me a push when my time has come, also interested in knowing which ones you trigger
Mine is thinking about the past, when things weren't that hard and i actually enjoyed waking up and having passion for life..
Also thinking about the past where my health wasn't robing all of my dreams

Wow, that's an excellent question! Where do I begin?

The worst one right now for me is probably my sister-in-law calling me up wanting me to go out to lunch with her. Even seeing her name on my caller ID freaks me out. The reason being I know we're going to have yet another talk about how I need to go back to yet another doctor for my thyroid. Some people just don't listen to reason.

My husband's family calling me up and telling me how excited they are to be coming to visit me and spend a week or more at my house.
I interpret this as: "We're coming to invade your life and and your privacy and inconvenience you and exhaust you as much as we possibly can. Oh, and we're going to completely trash your house and leave you to clean it up and we don't care that you don't have enough energy to deal with any of it and don't want us here".

Others things would be just normal things like:

forms for my taxes arriving and reminding me that I'm going to have to do that again this year.

The weather getting warmer and the grass growing in my backyard reminding me that I have to go through with hiring a person to mow it again this year.

Of course, thinking about my husband. His birthday is coming up and I know that's going to be yet another extra horrible day for me.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Never seeing or being with my loved ones again-they are all in spirit world.............every time this dawns on me I was to go too. Also my physical health is getting worse and very scared about that, so be nice to be able to slip away peacefully.

 

[Polly]

Being fed the same rote "think out if the box" lines.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Abandonment and rejection

 

[Ghost2211]

Going from a household of active children to complete and utter isolation when they get removed from my care 50% of the time.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

Every time I think of my childhood, I fucked up at every corner. Girls actually liked me but I didn't have parents around to talk to, one girl literally told me she loved me, I said oh cool. If I had a gun my brains would be on the wall

 

[Thatdude]

Just the thought of living another day in an environment I feel is pretty much completely out of my control, and the knowledge that a few changes in my past choices I would be in a much much better life.

 

[Starseedchip]

Anytime I have to think about and acknowledge my physical appearance or thinking about how if I had just made ONE different decision my life wouldnt be as horrible as it is now

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Right now it's apparently whatever sets off my ptsd. Happened an hour ago but I talked myself down (metophorically speaking). But mainly that I'm not good enough and that I'm a huge failure

 

[GinaIsReady]

Financial problems and homelessness

 

[Polly]

@GinaIsReady right there with you.

 

[A_Poetic_Death]

Right now at this very minute its my entire life. Mental conditions stacking, finances, no jobs or possible ability to have one, but its also my father. He's my biggest contributor to my CTB. If I'm no longer a burden to him financially or otherwise, and he wins. Also, because I'm a piece of shit. There are no nore solutions for me. There are no more chances or outs.

Its because I just need to die. I need to fix this by dying. No more arguments, no more upset, no more. I die, everyone is happier for it. I have to die.

It's really time to CTB and I'm scared.

 

[porfin1234]

Continuously sabotaging good things even when I think I'm trying to protect them. I mean really. Even when I think I'm doing the right thing.

Just realizing how socially inept I am and how wrong I've been about people. So. Wrong.

 

[Mr2005]

Didn't get the surgeons numbers in 2004, didn't get the surgeons numbers in 2004, didn't get the surgeons numbers in 2004...

 

[voyager]

I'm pretty much on board with regrets. I know it was always bound to play out the same way, and don't blame myself anymore, but it's so easy to imagine what life could have been had I made some different choices. Not that many even. Maybe just one. Can't live the life I want, what it once was and how I perceived it.

Age is also becoming a factor. Physical deterioration will just come on top of the problems one already had.

The thought that the good times have passed and what awaits is basically this or worse for the rest of one's life.

And of course, someone might invent an immortality drug one of these days and we'd all be fucked for all eternity.