Hey guys, this is my first post and I wanted to vent here as I have no other possible way of doing it.
English is not my first language so I apologize for the long post and the ramble.
So where do I start off, my whole life has been a shitshow ever since I can remember. I grew up in a household of a drug addicted mother and an older brother.
I have been on the rather low end of society as to where we have had always struggles with food etc. Through growing up my grandmother has always been my rock in so many situations,
as my mother was a drug addicted narcissist and my grandmother was the only person I ever felt close enough to share my problems with as I have always had troubles concerning my issues.
My mother would never listen to anything when i shared my concerns with her and my brother was also violent with me. So i picked up the habit of bottling everything in.
After years of seeing my mother be on drugs daily at home, yelling screaming and her cutting contact with us and our grandmother my grandmother had passed away. It was then that my life has
been completely turned around for much much worse.
Maybe about 1-2 years later my brother had moved out to be with our grandfather who also used to beat me when I was younger.
My mother was still addicted and actively doing drugs but had passed away aswell about a year after my brother had left.
I have picked up the bad habit of drinking and smoking when I was 13, and my mother had passed when I was 14.
So instead of going into a orphanage my grandfather took me in, as my biological father was never in the picture.
I moved cities and have been put in a very hostile environment of my brother and grandfather which I never liked to be in in the first place but figured was better than orphanage.
I started doing heavy drugs myself then when I was 14 and got addicted to them myself. I had one very special friend at that time who was always there for me and was very important to me( that friend is important later on so lets call her N)
After about 1.5 years of being addicted I was sent to a teenage drug therapy for about 2 years.
I have had no contact with my brother or grandfather throughout that time as they did not bother. My friend N and her family were the ones who always visited me and took me in when I did not have somewhere else to go. Therapy was rough, prior to that I did have a failed CTB attempt, which was known for which I have been put on anti depressants, I recall it was 200mg Sertralin.
Through therapy at one point I had refused to take my anti depressants as I had somewhat felt better.
I left therapy or rather was kicked out as I have always been somewhat a very strong problem child, not being able to control their grief and pain and objecting it onto others.
Once I was kicked out I moved in with N and her parents at first, which I am so grateful for but I had destroyed all of the relationship again by picking up doing drugs again due to whatever reasons.
Not being able to cope or deal with anything idk.
I left my home country when I was 18 as I wanted to get away from all of it and not do drugs anymore. Which had worked as I have been clean since which has been about more than 3 years ( I am 21 now).
Though by leaving my homecountry I lost contact to N and her family, which was very important to me. I wouldnt say that it ended on very bad terms, but both parties feel more comfortable not being in touch with eachother.
In those last 3 years Ive had 1 failed CBT attempt by hanging which made me feel even more pathetic about myself and my life.
I have thrown away all the good things I could have possibly have had because of stupid decisions and there is no more coming back. I have social anxiety, regular panic attacks and am too tired to really do anything anymore. I dont have the strength and I can just cry thinking about how miserable I am.
I feel very comfortable with the thought of me having the last few weeks of my life as I plan on ending it again this time for sure.
I feel very lost in life being alone having no one self isolating being afraid to go out or doing anything other than sleep, drink and play games (which is my only comfort and temporary escape of it all)
I cant imagine there to be a world where I can happy, as I am hurting everyday, pitying myself everyday thinking of what a failure I have become.
There is no point to anything I do anymore and it all feels so detached. I dont want to live with all of it anymore, its breaking and hurting me all so much
I am sorry of some of it is very incoherrent, and I still feel uncomfortable sharing it but I need to get this off me atleast somewhere before I never do it.
Thank you for everyone whos reading it
I am a mess
English is not my first language so I apologize for the long post and the ramble.
So where do I start off, my whole life has been a shitshow ever since I can remember. I grew up in a household of a drug addicted mother and an older brother.
I have been on the rather low end of society as to where we have had always struggles with food etc. Through growing up my grandmother has always been my rock in so many situations,
as my mother was a drug addicted narcissist and my grandmother was the only person I ever felt close enough to share my problems with as I have always had troubles concerning my issues.
My mother would never listen to anything when i shared my concerns with her and my brother was also violent with me. So i picked up the habit of bottling everything in.
After years of seeing my mother be on drugs daily at home, yelling screaming and her cutting contact with us and our grandmother my grandmother had passed away. It was then that my life has
been completely turned around for much much worse.
Maybe about 1-2 years later my brother had moved out to be with our grandfather who also used to beat me when I was younger.
My mother was still addicted and actively doing drugs but had passed away aswell about a year after my brother had left.
I have picked up the bad habit of drinking and smoking when I was 13, and my mother had passed when I was 14.
So instead of going into a orphanage my grandfather took me in, as my biological father was never in the picture.
I moved cities and have been put in a very hostile environment of my brother and grandfather which I never liked to be in in the first place but figured was better than orphanage.
I started doing heavy drugs myself then when I was 14 and got addicted to them myself. I had one very special friend at that time who was always there for me and was very important to me( that friend is important later on so lets call her N)
After about 1.5 years of being addicted I was sent to a teenage drug therapy for about 2 years.
I have had no contact with my brother or grandfather throughout that time as they did not bother. My friend N and her family were the ones who always visited me and took me in when I did not have somewhere else to go. Therapy was rough, prior to that I did have a failed CTB attempt, which was known for which I have been put on anti depressants, I recall it was 200mg Sertralin.
Through therapy at one point I had refused to take my anti depressants as I had somewhat felt better.
I left therapy or rather was kicked out as I have always been somewhat a very strong problem child, not being able to control their grief and pain and objecting it onto others.
Once I was kicked out I moved in with N and her parents at first, which I am so grateful for but I had destroyed all of the relationship again by picking up doing drugs again due to whatever reasons.
Not being able to cope or deal with anything idk.
I left my home country when I was 18 as I wanted to get away from all of it and not do drugs anymore. Which had worked as I have been clean since which has been about more than 3 years ( I am 21 now).
Though by leaving my homecountry I lost contact to N and her family, which was very important to me. I wouldnt say that it ended on very bad terms, but both parties feel more comfortable not being in touch with eachother.
In those last 3 years Ive had 1 failed CBT attempt by hanging which made me feel even more pathetic about myself and my life.
I have thrown away all the good things I could have possibly have had because of stupid decisions and there is no more coming back. I have social anxiety, regular panic attacks and am too tired to really do anything anymore. I dont have the strength and I can just cry thinking about how miserable I am.
I feel very comfortable with the thought of me having the last few weeks of my life as I plan on ending it again this time for sure.
I feel very lost in life being alone having no one self isolating being afraid to go out or doing anything other than sleep, drink and play games (which is my only comfort and temporary escape of it all)
I cant imagine there to be a world where I can happy, as I am hurting everyday, pitying myself everyday thinking of what a failure I have become.
There is no point to anything I do anymore and it all feels so detached. I dont want to live with all of it anymore, its breaking and hurting me all so much
I am sorry of some of it is very incoherrent, and I still feel uncomfortable sharing it but I need to get this off me atleast somewhere before I never do it.
Thank you for everyone whos reading it
I am a mess
