Discussion Where can I find the courage?

[Hecate]

I am really pathetic. I know have always known it.
Honestly, I wanted to start this discussion using Dostoevskij's incipit of his "Memories of the underground". They do really describe me.
The fact is that I was about to end "the process to commit die" (ever watched "Helluva Boss"?).
Instead, that hecfu*** k*k of a taxi driver was driving so slowly, I did forget about my proposal. Gosh. I slammed the door of his car, eh.
Not only, there is another thing in this equation.
A friend of mine, I will call her Pineapple from now on, would suffer a lot.
I mean, I deserve to die, believe me, I won't explain why, but I feel it is kinda duty.
This is utterly stupid. I mean, why should I care? But I like her, and she knows. The feeling is not corresponded, but I do not care very much.
Pineapple is a very good friend, indeed. She trusts me a lot, she opens up when talking with me. And it is painful for me to see her suffering. And I do the same with her.
Once I was working, she sent me a message asking to make a vocal on Whatsapp. She was having a panic attack whilst alone at the mall and wanted to hear a familiar voice.
She cares about me, do you get me?
She knows I want to end this burden I am carrying...few days ago she called me thrice, worried I did something foolhardy.

Do you understand?
I really cannot find a way out. From one perspective I hafta do it, but from the other...oh, do not think I still hope to get in a life-saving (???) relationship with Pineapple. I have always known I was hopeless, but I do consider friendship above love, absolutely.

How can I get rid of such childish thoughts?

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, only you know what is best for yourself, it is your life and your decision. You are lucky to have a good friend. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Hecate]

After all, only you know what is best for yourself, it is your life and your decision. You are lucky to have a good friend. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Wrong, I have never known what is best for myself. And this is a problem. Damn. That's why I do not have idea what to do...

 

[little helpers]

I can't tell if I'm getting you right or if my reply is coherent at all (too high out of my mind rn), though I think I get it. the point of my existence becomes so vague sometimes I don't even know if I been living in the first place. life and death becomes synonyms. what do I better do? is there really a difference?

you mentioned feeling like it's your duty to live for her sake. I think many of us here have similar feelings towards our partner, friends, family, maybe even children. it do be a mammoth task to try separate ourselves from the social bonds we have. IMO this kind of defines human existence. no clean cuts between where the self ends and others begin. the meanings we experience through another is often where we see our own worth is at.

I could be mistaken, but I suppose part of the issue is she doesn't (or appears as though she doesn't) fully accept your right to die? maybe you can elaborate on it more if you wish. at the end of the day, you don't have to do one thing or another atm. sounds like you think you still have unfinished business. it's indeed hard to carry on this way. but you don't have to rush anything until you've figured this out, and hopefully leave no regrets.

 

[Hecate]

Uhm, no. Not for her sake. It is something I have to do it beacuse...it needs to be done. I am.not able to explain myself in other way.
As I always say, I am stupid like a donkey and twice as ugly.
She wants to help me, but do I want to be helped? Do I want to carry on living without knowing if it is really what I want? And the problem is that I am the only one who can answer such questions.

Aaaargh!!

 

[ReluctantSeeker]

Uhm, no. Not for her sake. It is something I have to do it beacuse...it needs to be done. I am.not able to explain myself in other way.
As I always say, I am stupid like a donkey and twice as ugly.
She wants to help me, but do I want to be helped? Do I want to carry on living without knowing if it is really what I want? And the problem is that I am the only one who can answer such questions.

Aaaargh!!

Nah, you're not stupid here, you just don't have answers to questions you have, or arent in the position that you want to be in, and it's frustrating. Sometimes additional time is the extra ingredient that helps things come together, provide the knowledge to answer questions you have, or bridge gaps in understanding you're trying to span. Banging your head against it (pushing yourself) can be useful to a point, but it seems to only get you so far along in your progress, before it stops being productive, even if you add more pressure.

What most of us on this forum are contemplating is not a common thing to think about, and goes against natural, evolved survival instincts, which take time to override and think through. Along with trying to do the rest of 'normal, daily' things at the same time. Keep at it, and take a break/do something else, when you hit a wall, and then come back.

A last note: donkeys have a reputation of being stubborn, and intelligent.