Venting When you’re too tired to die

[murderatruemorgue]

I remember reading a study a long time ago about how people with SI actually tend to CTB not at their literal worst, but when they looked like they were starting to recover because one of the biggest preventatives of CTB with SI is energy levels. That would start having energy, which meant that they then had the energy to actually CTB.
I'm in the part of SI where all I can stand to do is sleep. My memory issues aren't helping for sure. I keep trying to plan but my brain isn't cooperating. Whatever is going on neurologically with the on and off hemiplegic migraines isn't helping. At this point I feel like I'll end up brain dead before I manage anything.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

This is exactly how I feel. I've been suicidal for most of my teen years especially when my depression got worse and worse. Even just 2 years ago I was having attempts and then eventually I just got to depressed to care. I just sleep my life away hoping that I somehow die of natural causes whilst unconscious but the reality and percentage of that happening is very low sadly. I also developed a dissociative disorder so majority of the time I feel disconnected from my thoughts and feelings. My brain is my jail sentence and I wish to finally be released.

 

[murderatruemorgue]

This is exactly how I feel. I've been suicidal for most of my teen years especially when my depression got worse and worse. Even just 2 years ago I was having attempts and then eventually I just got too depressed to care. I just sleep my life away hoping that I somehow die of natural causes whilst unconscious but the reality and percentage of that happening is very low sadly. I also developed a dissociative disorder so majority of the time I feel disconnected from my thoughts and feelings. My brain is my jail sentence and I wish to finally be released.

"My brain is my jail sentence.."
I definitely relate to that too well.
Back in November I was stuck in bed with lights off for a month because I kept going in and out complicated migraine. It would get to the point of convulsions and being unable to speak, but being awake the whole time. It would be set off by lights and sitting or standing, which meant I was stuck. And I don't have much support around here to begin with.
My biggest fear isn't dying but waiting too long and ending up stuck in my brain with a body that doesn't work for years. Sometimes I wonder if I waited too long.
It's also why I'm being a little paranoid about method. Failing and having things be worse would be utter torture, even more so than it already is. That's the only thing that has stayed my hand.
The depression on top of everything is just the cherry on the goddamn fucked up cake.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Migraines are the absolute worst, I hope you can get some relief from them. One of the worst types of pain is a migraine that just won't go away no matter how many painkillers, heat and cold aids, environmental changes, etc that you throw at it. Anything neurological is such a bugger to manage because it's one of the largest unknowns in the domain of medicine.

Dealing with being depressed and juggling other types of pain and issues is a huge struggle and you are tough as nails for managing all of that while having no close support. Wish I had anything better I could offer, except the sentiment that I understand it. I spend the vast majority of my life in bed staring at the ceiling, with permanently blurred vision and pressure in my head, memory problems, brainfog, the whole nine yards.

Health is the most important thing that we don't truly treasure until it's absence, though I desperately wish all of us here could have that wellness return.

 

[sserafim]

I want to die but I know if I'll act on it because I'm tired every day, and I'm scared of failing and being left with permanent damage. The risk of ctb is too much for me. I feel like my life is just a purgatory until I eventually die