Venting When you're stuck inside a hole

[SanguineShark]

I kinda realized that I use internet literally all day, and the only moments I don't is when I get food and do other body requirements, and even during those moments I still play something in the background to either listen to or watch. My only friend interactions are on the internet in voice calls, I do still sometimes go out to meet up with friends like every few weeks or few months, it's random. I would also go to a psychologist every week recently, but I stopped due to my psychologist being unprofessional. I'm extremely lonely, I often cry because I don't feel loved by anyone and like I'm not very important to anyone. My mental state is also worsening, it's at the rock bottom right now, as I'm thinking about suicide often. My Dissociation, Social anxiety and BPD has worsened into a severe state. My moods are changing constantly from extreme to extreme, all day (I can be suicidal, extremely happy, get very paranoid and cry again in a span of few hours.) I'm very afraid of being perceived by others, as any form of judgement and my own fear of judgement will cause me to get anxiety attacks. I have intense memory loss, to the point where my friends I talk to daily, worry about me. I feel worthless, lonely and unable to be loved. These thoughts started when I was 15, the initial cause of it was because of childhood abuse I experienced.
The worst part is that I can see and understand what I logically need to do to get better - I should go outside more, be more social in real life, find a job and stop using drugs. But it just feels.. Impossible. I would compare it as if your goal and what is expected of you was on top of a gigantic hill, and you had nothing with you to help with the climb. I have some friends online, I met up with them irl sometimes, I sometimes go to events every few months, I talk to strangers sometimes (just friendly banter if I'm on the move, and more deeper/longer conversations with people who attend the same social event I go to)
So I have a few tiny anchors to reality, but I just extremely weak, I have 0 courage or will to live, so getting help is even harder.. as if I had to climb that hill, but refused to do it. I feel like the only way this ends is with suicide, as I'm a pathetic loser who isn't strong enough to fight my mental illness.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Somethingiswaddling]

I don't think you're a pathetic loser! Dealing with mental illnesses is super hard, especially when the mental health institutions suck or are to expensive. Don't be too hard on yourself, changing is way harder than what some people paint it to be, especially for us :)

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I don't think you're a pathetic loser! Dealing with mental illnesses is super hard, especially when the mental health institutions suck or are to expensive. Don't be too hard on yourself, changing is way harder than what some people paint it to be, especially for us :)

Are we all really mently ill, or just in tune with the reality that life is so damn pointless? I'm starting to think that we're the normal ones and that the people that think this shit world, and all the problems that come with it is worth living for, are the abnormal ones.

 

[SanguineShark]

I don't think you're a pathetic loser! Dealing with mental illnesses is super hard, especially when the mental health institutions suck or are to expensive. Don't be too hard on yourself, changing is way harder than what some people paint it to be, especially for us :)

omg is that Kaworu? I love evangelion <3
And thank you, it is extremely hard

 

[Somethingiswaddling]

omg is that Kaworu? I love evangelion <3
And thank you, it is extremely hard

Yes it's him!!! So cool that you like Evangelion!! Do you you have a fav character?

Your welcome! we're here to support each other don't be scared to hold back :3

Are we all really mently ill, or just in tune with the reality that life is so damn pointless? I'm starting to think that we're the normal ones and that the people that think this shit world, and all the problems that come with it is worth living for, are the abnormal ones.

I did ask myself this multiple times. Are we mentally ill or is it just not some sort of mutation? An evolution towards death. Because when you critically and logically think about life, it just sucks. Whenever you have a "good life" or not. I guess it just depends of your personal values.

 

[SanguineShark]

Do you you have a fav character?

Rei Ayanami for sure! But I'd say I enjoy all the characters, they're all good in their own ways

 

[Somethingiswaddling]

Rei Ayanami for sure! But I'd say I enjoy all the characters, they're all good in their own ways

Ahhh yes you ate with that one!! Personally I can only tolerate Asuka but yeah over than that love the series, especially the angels!!

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really tiring what you are going through, I find it dreadful how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Kit1]

I read your message more than once and really felt for you. Like you, often I feel like I know part of the solution - going out, exercise, Healthy eating etc. Except it is harder when we are feeling so down with our own trauma, mental health challenges etc. However my personal opinion is that there is a positive here in that we know part of the route way to getting ourselves feeling better. Perhaps it is worth a try - baby steps. I am saying this knowing fully well that I am being a hypocrite as I am struggling to think of the baby steps! But perhaps we can find a way to that motivation.., Perhaps try and find people, form a circle of people to support us to do this..,

Whatever happens, good luck with everything you do. Take care.

 

[SanguineShark]

I read your message more than once and really felt for you. Like you, often I feel like I know part of the solution - going out, exercise, Healthy eating etc. Except it is harder when we are feeling so down with our own trauma, mental health challenges etc. However my personal opinion is that there is a positive here in that we know part of the route way to getting ourselves feeling better. Perhaps it is worth a try - baby steps. I am saying this knowing fully well that I am being a hypocrite as I am struggling to think of the baby steps! But perhaps we can find a way to that motivation.., Perhaps try and find people, form a circle of people to support us to do this..,

Whatever happens, good luck with everything you do. Take care.

Thank you, I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. I do have tiny hopes from time to time, but they fleet easily. I wish you good luck too!