SanguineShark
I am the monster you created
- Jun 23, 2023
- 228
I kinda realized that I use internet literally all day, and the only moments I don't is when I get food and do other body requirements, and even during those moments I still play something in the background to either listen to or watch. My only friend interactions are on the internet in voice calls, I do still sometimes go out to meet up with friends like every few weeks or few months, it's random. I would also go to a psychologist every week recently, but I stopped due to my psychologist being unprofessional. I'm extremely lonely, I often cry because I don't feel loved by anyone and like I'm not very important to anyone. My mental state is also worsening, it's at the rock bottom right now, as I'm thinking about suicide often. My Dissociation, Social anxiety and BPD has worsened into a severe state. My moods are changing constantly from extreme to extreme, all day (I can be suicidal, extremely happy, get very paranoid and cry again in a span of few hours.) I'm very afraid of being perceived by others, as any form of judgement and my own fear of judgement will cause me to get anxiety attacks. I have intense memory loss, to the point where my friends I talk to daily, worry about me. I feel worthless, lonely and unable to be loved. These thoughts started when I was 15, the initial cause of it was because of childhood abuse I experienced.
The worst part is that I can see and understand what I logically need to do to get better - I should go outside more, be more social in real life, find a job and stop using drugs. But it just feels.. Impossible. I would compare it as if your goal and what is expected of you was on top of a gigantic hill, and you had nothing with you to help with the climb. I have some friends online, I met up with them irl sometimes, I sometimes go to events every few months, I talk to strangers sometimes (just friendly banter if I'm on the move, and more deeper/longer conversations with people who attend the same social event I go to)
So I have a few tiny anchors to reality, but I just extremely weak, I have 0 courage or will to live, so getting help is even harder.. as if I had to climb that hill, but refused to do it. I feel like the only way this ends is with suicide, as I'm a pathetic loser who isn't strong enough to fight my mental illness.
Thanks for reading.
The worst part is that I can see and understand what I logically need to do to get better - I should go outside more, be more social in real life, find a job and stop using drugs. But it just feels.. Impossible. I would compare it as if your goal and what is expected of you was on top of a gigantic hill, and you had nothing with you to help with the climb. I have some friends online, I met up with them irl sometimes, I sometimes go to events every few months, I talk to strangers sometimes (just friendly banter if I'm on the move, and more deeper/longer conversations with people who attend the same social event I go to)
So I have a few tiny anchors to reality, but I just extremely weak, I have 0 courage or will to live, so getting help is even harder.. as if I had to climb that hill, but refused to do it. I feel like the only way this ends is with suicide, as I'm a pathetic loser who isn't strong enough to fight my mental illness.
Thanks for reading.
