Sometimes, we think that that we don't have is the answer to be happy.
Some people want money. others love and some others things such as fame.
Love can be awesome.
Money can give you lots of happiness.
Fame could be interesting.
However, none of those could prevent from ctb.
My reasons for wanting to leave this world are facts such as finding this life and this universe pointless. I hate to be just an ape on a blue rock! (I love saying these words haha).
Anyway, love is not impossible to get. No matter how ugly, ill, poor and so on you are. I know it because I uused to have some friends who were not considered beautiful and popular by the society standards at all and they found love anyway.
This. I always think achieving the next goal or obtaining a certain thing will make me happy, but it never does. In fact, after achieving the goal I just feel even worse because its so obvious that everything is pointless. It is actually cruel - its like a continuous chase for happiness that you can never reach. It seems the whole purpose of life is to wait to die, but we must suffer while we wait. Thats why I want to ctb, I want to skip the waiting and skip the suffering.
But the point is, you think something like getting a girlfriend or getting married will miraculously solve everything and make you happy, but it never has in my experience. It might for a short period, but the feeling always fades.
I get told that I should go visit a children's hospital or a severely disabled person so that I can learn to appreciate what I have. But I know in my heart that it wont help. I already know that I have so much to "be grateful for". But I also know that it is extremely possible for someone who is wheelchair bound to be happier than me and actually love their life. For me it just doesnt seem possible.
Nevertheless, I do sometimes think that if I didnt have such bad social anxiety that I could be happy. I remember having many friends as a child and being happy. But one day a switch just flipped in my head and since then my social skills just seem to keep declining. I am fucked up in an even more fucked up world.