Venting When you know it's completely all your own fault you have to CTB

[HelpDoesNotExist]

I wish I just stopped drinking when it counted. I'll never have anyone like her again and even if I could, I can't take the memories of how I was anymore.
So hard to even see a shrink right away without going into a hospital where they cavity search and forcibly medicate you, put you in a room with some psycho or maybe the guards or roommates decide youd be fun to hurt and who would believe the crazy patient? and even then what are they gonna say that will make me feel like I even deserve to live?
Everybody cared but me, I pushed them away, hurt who I loved the very most and now it's too late, I lost my chance, destroyed my body, alienated everyone for no good reason
And it's all my fault I have to CTB. I left myself no other option through my own decisions. I had a million chances. I hate myself. I hate being me. My body won't let me be happy or feel good anymore because it knows I'm supposed to be dead and deserve it.

 

[zaddylicious]

I feel you I messed up my life beyond belief due to alcohol, no way of going back to fix things and ready to CTB.

 

[HelpDoesNotExist]

I feel you I messed up my life beyond belief due to alcohol, no way of going back to fix things and ready to CTB.

Yeah I went to AA nothing they said resonated one bit, there's no reason to keep going at a certain point. All they did was warn me I'm on the path to self destruction way after i already did that. Lost everything worth living for.
In my case i deserve it. But they'll never tell you that even if it's true. I can't live with the memories or myself anymore. It just loops endless in my head all day every day forever. Can't concentrate. Everything reminds me of her. And what I had and let go. And how I was. Everything.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Yeah I went to AA nothing they said resonated one bit, there's no reason to keep going at a certain point. All they did was warn me I'm on the path to self destruction way after i already did that. Lost everything worth living for.
In my case i deserve it. But they'll never tell you that even if it's true. I can't live with the memories or myself anymore. It just loops endless in my head all day every day forever. Can't concentrate. Everything reminds me of her. And what I had and let go. And how I was. Everything.

I know whatcha mean. I go to some meetings so I have enough social contact to not devolve into a complete weirdo but I know that I'm never going to have that tragedy to triumph story that ends with "...but it was all worth it in the end."

I rarely crave alcohol anymore but the thought of being put under anesthesia for a 5 hour reprieve appeals though waking back up into this same life would suck.

 

[HelpDoesNotExist]

I know whatcha mean. I go to some meetings so I have enough social contact to not devolve into a complete weirdo but I know that I'm never going to have that tragedy to triumph story that ends with "...but it was all worth it in the end."

I rarely alcohol anymore but the thought of being put under anesthesia for a 5 hour reprieve appeals though waking back up into this same life would suck.

See I became a weirdo from lack of social contact at like 16, so now any interaction IRL is mostly just awkward and unfulfilling. Then later a while back one girl fell out of the sky but I blew it. We were meant to be together but I managed to ruin that by being that stupid and awkward and drunk and psycho. Now she's gone, its all my fault and everything's dark and cold and always will be forever.
I actually set it up with my folks so I can't even get booze anymore, not to get better, but cause I know it will lead to me CTB faster even if I have to resort to painful means.
I can't even feel good feelings anymore. The memories come back quick and remind me why I don't deserve them.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

See I became a weirdo from lack of social contact at like 16, so now any interaction IRL is mostly just awkward and unfulfilling. Then later a while back one girl fell out of the sky but I blew it. We were meant to be together but I managed to ruin that by being that stupid and awkward and drunk and psycho. Now she's gone, its all my fault and everything's dark and cold and always will be forever.
I actually set it up with my folks so I can't even get booze anymore, not to get better, but cause I know it will lead to me CTB faster even if I have to resort to painful means.
I can't even feel good feelings anymore. The memories come back quick and remind me why I don't deserve them.

Yeah, I mean I know that given enough isolation I will become more of a weirdo. I've done that before but I also know it's not completely permanent. It's like going to the gym, if you stop you lose muscle but you can always go back and regain it.

At the end of the day I'd rather not be in the position where I feel backed into a corner to ctb. As I figure out what I'm going to do, I don't want to neglect myself to the point that if I don't ctb I have additional problems stacked up from my time wallowing in depression. So I go to meetings so that my family doesn't worry about me isolating and I have the benefit of doing something to break up my day and interact with people.

*Note - I'm not saying you should or should not do anything, just relaying what's keeping me from a total collapse.