When will you have reached the point when you have had more days with suicidal thoughts than without?

[noname223]

I think about this a lot. I am not sure whether one should take the whole life as a measure. I mean I did not properly think as a 1-2 years old. However as a number my whole life sounds more accurate.

Some in this forum might already have reached that point. Others plan not to experience that day. Personally I am suicidal since I am 15. I think when my first mixed manic-depressive episode started. I think since that I have almost had with barely any breaks daily suicidal thoughts. In my case it does not seem to be true that suicidal thoughts are always temporary. However I have to admit one year I had none. When I was in a manic episode however this is not really something to celebrate. The aftermath of that epsisode the crash into major depression almost led to my suicide. And I am quite sure I cannot stomach further crashs from mania into depression. So maybe the last months without suicidal thoughts will herald my suicide. Bipolar is a pretty nasty illness. I even have to be scared when I am feeling too good.

I am feeling manic currently but I hope I can manage it somehow. I am not sure whether I will reach that day. I don't know this day (which I talked about in the title) is kind of symbolic for me. However I am not sure what it tells me. That I am a pretty sad person with a lot of self-loathing and horrible life quality. On the other hand it could tell me that my days are numbered either way. My life quality is just not worth going through another major mental health crises. The last 2 years I felt the best since many many years (except the manic episode). However I am still very suicidal. The thoughts never leave me. I would let them go if my life quality and prospect of the future would look better. But both is horrendous. I experienced extreme psychosomatic pain and I am convinced to kill myself if that shit returns. I think if one ever experienced something like that one really values the option to end one's life. I have the feeling I experienced things which felt way worse than death. At the same time I try to make the best out of it. I try to play the cards in the best way possible. But all I am doing is postponing the inevtiable. My problems don't really seem to be solvable. I act like I could solve them for the sake of family and maybe friends. However I really don't see a realistic scenario that I will continue living when my parents are dead. I am a mental wreck and could never live without the support also financially but also in other aspects.

I often try to predict the future. This is not possible and I have the bias to always expect the worst. But is this really a bias? The last decade was extremely agonizing. I have been through shit that I never imagined to really exist. Moreover I am bipolar. I know how this game is played. This shit usually proceeds in cycles and I am not willed to endure another crash. There are so many fucking problems in my life. I try to convince or distract me that they are not there or less bad but one day they will haunt me. I am playing for time waiting for a miracle.

There are so many scenarios which could accelerate my suicide. One of my parents has soon a surgery if she dies which is pretty unlikely I probably gonna ctb. But what if she ends up a vegetable. Often when I thought in my life it could not get worse it even has become worse. Sometimes there were also positive surprises but very asymmetrically distributed.

I am not sure whether I will reach that day. I probably would be like 32 years old. That is quite a long time. And my menta health is really fragile as fuck.

I am very anxious about everything. The anxiety is so fucking bad. Recently talked with my friends about hobbies. They just play video games etc because it makes them feel good. Me instead I rather use many things as an instrument to enhance inb some way. For my obsession to leave a certain impression on other people. It is so pathetic. My obsessions rule over me. And even if I get the perfect grades I just hate myself for being so obsessed and that I am not talented enough and have to work so hard for it. There just a lot of misery and emptiness inside myself. I am still existing but a very important part of got killed many many years ago. I don't just like to be. For the sake of being a human being. It is something Chester Bennington described similarly. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin and consciousness. I am a prisoner of my own mind. My mind is a bad neighborhood. I could not relate to everything he said ever but when I was acute suicidal this interview with the German yellow press (before he committed suicide) was just really like a mirror of my own soul. A person who is just mentally tortured and has reached his limit many many years ago.

Sorry for the vent. But it helped a little bit. I am currently not feeling well.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I cannot even really remember not being suicidal, not wanting to be here is basically all that I know and I've never even had one day where I've felt content with existing. And of course as time goes on I've just wished to die even more. I believe that when I was very young I was always thinking about how I wish I wasn't trapped in this world and I found the thought of death to be comforting which lead to me thinking of suicide as time went on.

I could never not be suicidal, as the thing that I have a problem with is life itself and I hate the concept of life and just the state of existing, it's burdensome and unnecessary having to exist, existence could never appeal to me. So I don't really believe that there is a point where I can recognise when I became suicidal, my thoughts of suicide are just the natural response to my dislike of existence and how death will always be the more desirable option for me.

 

[Ultracheese]

I talked about this in another post, but for me, I go through periods of active and passive suicidality. Passive meaning "I don't actively want to die, but if I were to die right now, I wouldn't care", and active is the more traditional version of suicidality. I have been actively suicidal for two years now. I would like to get to the point where I am at least passively suicidal but I'm unsure if this will happen.

I'm not bipolar so I don't know what it's like trying to manage manic symptoms, but it sounds very excruciating not being able to feel like you have control over your moods despite so desperately longing for control. Combine that with extreme pain, and it's understandable why you're so miserable.

As for what you mentioned about your bias when it comes to predicting the future, I'm not sure if there's a clear answer. We all have biases in our lives that events either enforce. If something happens that doesn't meet our expectations, we try to justify it (That was an exception, it was my or someone else's fault, etc.) or we change our thinking. Usually, the latter only comes about when an event or series of events if significant or life-changing. You were talking about how the pain you've experienced has made you value the idea of ending your life more. Speaking from my experience as someone who has dealt with chronic pain, I think it is natural for us to assume what will go wrong so we don't get our hopes up.

I really appreciate your Chester Bennington quote. It's not something I've ever heard before and it's a perspective I relate to as well. I'm sorry that you're hurting so deeply. I hope knowing that you're not entirely alone in your feelings helps a little.

 

[Starryeyes]

8 years ago.

 

[alivefornow]

I've been thinking about it on and off my entire life. Currently it's been about two months of having these thoughts everyday, sometimes nonstop for an entire day. They are becoming stronger and more graphic. I feel like my hour is approaching. Soon I won't be able to stay in suffering anymore, so that others don't suffer. I wish they would understand, but they never will. My death will destroy my mother, my father. My students will miss me dearly. My aunt and my cousin need me. My friends love me and they want me back in action. But this pain is just too much. It never stops. It grows.

 

[ironstar]

I've had near constant suicidal thoughts since my early teens so it's probably safe to say I'm past that point (I'm . There are only a handful of occasions in the past 10 years where I've had a few days so sometimes weeks without thinking of it, not all of them happy but they each do seem like bliss right now.