When suicide no longer seems like it's enough...

[V1990]

I've been suicidal all my life, unfortunately, thanks to the circumstances it got worse and worse and I'm at a breaking point. Chronic ilness and pain rule my life, I can't live and I don't want to be here anymore. I tried all treatments, I've been to more than 20 doctors, they told me there was nothing they could do.

I tried commiting suicide a few months ago and I almost died, I spent a couple of days in a coma and unfortunately survived. The days after I was released from the hospital were a nightmare, I felt so depressed, like there was a hole in my chest, where my heart used to be, I couldn't believe I was still alive, I was supposed to be dead and that made me feel like such a failure.

I still want to die, I want to die as soon as possible but I'm scared because I feel like no matter what I do I won't die, I feel stuck in this life and it's a horrible feeling. I don't have access to any extreme methods that would have a 100% or close chance of success, the only thing I have access to is antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzodiazepines, blood pressure medication... I was thinking that maybe taking them all would make my heart stop or something? I don't know what to do, I'm so desperate and there's nothing worse than this feeling of being stuck here, knowing that no matter how much pain I'm in I have to live through it because I have no way of escaping.

 

[Harleyyy]

I've been suicidal all my life, unfortunately, thanks to the circumstances it got worse and worse and I'm at a breaking point. Chronic ilness and pain rule my life, I can't live and I don't want to be here anymore. I tried all treatments, I've been to more than 20 doctors, they told me there was nothing they could do.

I tried commiting suicide a few months ago and I almost died, I spent a couple of days in a coma and unfortunately survived. The days after I was released from the hospital were a nightmare, I felt so depressed, like there was a hole in my chest, where my heart used to be, I couldn't believe I was still alive, I was supposed to be dead and that made me feel like such a failure.

I still want to die, I want to die as soon as possible but I'm scared because I feel like no matter what I do I won't die, I feel stuck in this life and it's a horrible feeling. I don't have access to any extreme methods that would have a 100% or close chance of success, the only thing I have access to is antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzodiazepines, blood pressure medication... I was thinking that maybe taking them all would make my heart stop or something? I don't know what to do, I'm so desperate and there's nothing worse than this feeling of being stuck here, knowing that no matter how much pain I'm in I have to live through it because I have no way of escaping.

I feel horrible listening to that, so sorry to hear that you're in this situation. Do you mind sharing what your illness is about? If you don't mind? Maybe we could figure something out

 

[TheSoundofTime]

I've been suicidal all my life, unfortunately, thanks to the circumstances it got worse and worse and I'm at a breaking point. Chronic ilness and pain rule my life, I can't live and I don't want to be here anymore. I tried all treatments, I've been to more than 20 doctors, they told me there was nothing they could do.

I tried commiting suicide a few months ago and I almost died, I spent a couple of days in a coma and unfortunately survived. The days after I was released from the hospital were a nightmare, I felt so depressed, like there was a hole in my chest, where my heart used to be, I couldn't believe I was still alive, I was supposed to be dead and that made me feel like such a failure.

I still want to die, I want to die as soon as possible but I'm scared because I feel like no matter what I do I won't die, I feel stuck in this life and it's a horrible feeling. I don't have access to any extreme methods that would have a 100% or close chance of success, the only thing I have access to is antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzodiazepines, blood pressure medication... I was thinking that maybe taking them all would make my heart stop or something? I don't know what to do, I'm so desperate and there's nothing worse than this feeling of being stuck here, knowing that no matter how much pain I'm in I have to live through it because I have no way of escaping.

Damn that's sad. Your situation is horrific to think about as I imagine myself being in your shoes. Can you tell us little bit more about where you are ( home or hospitalised or elsewhere). Have you considered more lethal means except medication?
Thanks and be strong, eventually it will all be better

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I've been suicidal all my life, unfortunately, thanks to the circumstances it got worse and worse and I'm at a breaking point. Chronic ilness and pain rule my life, I can't live and I don't want to be here anymore. I tried all treatments, I've been to more than 20 doctors, they told me there was nothing they could do.

I tried commiting suicide a few months ago and I almost died, I spent a couple of days in a coma and unfortunately survived. The days after I was released from the hospital were a nightmare, I felt so depressed, like there was a hole in my chest, where my heart used to be, I couldn't believe I was still alive, I was supposed to be dead and that made me feel like such a failure.

I still want to die, I want to die as soon as possible but I'm scared because I feel like no matter what I do I won't die, I feel stuck in this life and it's a horrible feeling. I don't have access to any extreme methods that would have a 100% or close chance of success, the only thing I have access to is antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzodiazepines, blood pressure medication... I was thinking that maybe taking them all would make my heart stop or something? I don't know what to do, I'm so desperate and there's nothing worse than this feeling of being stuck here, knowing that no matter how much pain I'm in I have to live through it because I have no way of escaping.

Sorry to hear about your situation.
I know what you mean about feeling stuck. I think that is just the survival instinct messing around.
Try to get into the mindset that you are in ultimate control of your life.
You aren't just a puppet who has to dance to the tune of fate.
Would you mind sharing what your illness is?

 

[V1990]

I feel horrible listening to that, so sorry to hear that you're in this situation. Do you mind sharing what your illness is about? If you don't mind? Maybe we could figure something out

Sure. My illness is called Interstitial Cystitis, you can look it up if you want to. It's a chronic bladder disease that has no cure and the treatments that existhave different effects on every patient, the success rates of most treatments are very low anyway. My symptoms are constant urgency, frequency, bladder pain, burning in bladder, pelvic pain and several painful gynecological issues. I go to the bathroom more than 200 times a day, I can't sleep because I have the constant feeling I have to pee all the time, you know that overwhelming feeling in your bladder when you have to go and you hold it but you can't anymore and your bladder is about to burst? I feel that 24/7, for the last ten years. I'm so sleep deprived I'm losing my mind and it's not like I can lay down and rest, no, if I lay down I have to get up every 2 seconds to pee and it's so painful. Most treatments didn't work with me and the medications gave me horrible side effects that made me develop other chronic conditions. I live in pain all the time, I'm never comfortable and the doctors told me I have to learn to live with it. I can't leave the house, I don't have friends because of that, I can't have a relationship. I can't even eat because the food we eat triggers flare ups of this disease. I starve myself and live on water, chicken, rice and potatoes. I'm done with this and I want it to end, I can't stand suffering anymore.

Sorry to hear about your situation.
I know what you mean about feeling stuck. I think that is just the survival instinct messing around.
Try to get into the mindset that you are in ultimate control of your life.
You aren't just a puppet who has to dance to the tune of fate.
Would you mind sharing what your illness is?

It's interstitial Cystitis, I explained it in the reply above.

Damn that's sad. Your situation is horrific to think about as I imagine myself being in your shoes. Can you tell us little bit more about where you are ( home or hospitalised or elsewhere). Have you considered more lethal means except medication?
Thanks and be strong, eventually it will all be better

I'm home. I have been on several websites reading about the different methods and unfortunately the only one I have access to is medication. I'm in europe and it's very hard to get a gun, I couldn't afford it anyway, if I could that's what I would do.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Sorry to hear you have been suffering from that for so long.
I have read that in a lot of cases interstitial cystitis can go away on its own?
Do you think that could happen with you?
Though ten years is a long time to have to put up with it.
I think taking an od of all those meds is very unreliable and risky.
I think it's against the rules to suggest methods to other members.
All I can say is you can pm me if you want, I'll listen and try to support you, for what it's worth.

 

[Fedrea]

Sure. My illness is called Interstitial Cystitis, you can look it up if you want to. It's a chronic bladder disease that has no cure and the treatments that existhave different effects on every patient, the success rates of most treatments are very low anyway. My symptoms are constant urgency, frequency, bladder pain, burning in bladder, pelvic pain and several painful gynecological issues. I go to the bathroom more than 200 times a day, I can't sleep because I have the constant feeling I have to pee all the time, you know that overwhelming feeling in your bladder when you have to go and you hold it but you can't anymore and your bladder is about to burst? I feel that 24/7, for the last ten years. I'm so sleep deprived I'm losing my mind and it's not like I can lay down and rest, no, if I lay down I have to get up every 2 seconds to pee and it's so painful. Most treatments didn't work with me and the medications gave me horrible side effects that made me develop other chronic conditions. I live in pain all the time, I'm never comfortable and the doctors told me I have to learn to live with it. I can't leave the house, I don't have friends because of that, I can't have a relationship. I can't even eat because the food we eat triggers flare ups of this disease. I starve myself and live on water, chicken, rice and potatoes. I'm done with this and I want it to end, I can't stand suffering anymore.

It's interstitial Cystitis, I explained it in the reply above.

I'm home. I have been on several websites reading about the different methods and unfortunately the only one I have access to is medication. I'm in europe and it's very hard to get a gun, I couldn't afford it anyway, if I could that's what I would do.

I'm so sorry if this is an incredibly obvious suggestion, but have you tried cannabis for the pain? I was really helped by that for a chronic pain condition

 

[V1990]

I'm so sorry if this is an incredibly obvious suggestion, but have you tried cannabis for the pain? I was really helped by that for a chronic pain condition

I have and I didn't notice any difference. It's also hard to find because it's illegal here and I don't know any people who can sell it to me.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that you are in this predicament and since you are in Europe, do you know if your country allows for either passive/active euthanasia? If so, I would look into the process and if not, then maybe Dignitas or Pegasos may consider your case?

 

[V1990]

I'm sorry that you are in this predicament and since you are in Europe, do you know if your country allows for either passive/active euthanasia? If so, I would look into the process and if not, then maybe Dignitas or Pegasos may consider your case?

I have thought about that but I have heard it's really expensive and I don't have any money because I can't work. I live with my mom and we survive with only 240 euros a month.

 

[Harleyyy]

Sure. My illness is called Interstitial Cystitis, you can look it up if you want to. It's a chronic bladder disease that has no cure and the treatments that existhave different effects on every patient, the success rates of most treatments are very low anyway. My symptoms are constant urgency, frequency, bladder pain, burning in bladder, pelvic pain and several painful gynecological issues. I go to the bathroom more than 200 times a day, I can't sleep because I have the constant feeling I have to pee all the time, you know that overwhelming feeling in your bladder when you have to go and you hold it but you can't anymore and your bladder is about to burst? I feel that 24/7, for the last ten years. I'm so sleep deprived I'm losing my mind and it's not like I can lay down and rest, no, if I lay down I have to get up every 2 seconds to pee and it's so painful. Most treatments didn't work with me and the medications gave me horrible side effects that made me develop other chronic conditions. I live in pain all the time, I'm never comfortable and the doctors told me I have to learn to live with it. I can't leave the house, I don't have friends because of that, I can't have a relationship. I can't even eat because the food we eat triggers flare ups of this disease. I starve myself and live on water, chicken, rice and potatoes. I'm done with this and I want it to end, I can't stand suffering anymore.

It's interstitial Cystitis, I explained it in the reply above.

I'm home. I have been on several websites reading about the different methods and unfortunately the only one I have access to is medication. I'm in europe and it's very hard to get a gun, I couldn't afford it anyway, if I could that's what I would do.

I am So sorry to hear that. Have you heard about energy healing? Maybe that could help ease your pain? Best of luck to you.

 

[schopenh]

After three years of battling and losing to a different (extremely painful) illness, I have recently (maybe three months ago) developed interstitial cystitits. It is so incredibly painful and absolutely everything you do (out of your control) makes it exacerbate. I was feeling like it might actually slowly start to heal and then I had a nocturnal emission (I had been avoiding ejaculation since this started because it wildly exacerbates symptoms). I am acutely suicidal at the moment as not only has two months of persistence through pain been undone, but it's feeling worse than ever. It feels like there's hot shards of glass throughout my lower abdominal area, and that they are constantly pressing on a switch that tells you your bladder feels full. If I stretch my entire lower abdominal area feels tender and sizzling with pain. I hope you get peace from this as soon as possible. Generally people with physical illnesses struggle the most with ctb as they really don't actually want to die. Chronic pain has truly destroyed my life.

 

[Steve Vermont]

So... no, taking all those meds will almost certainly not kill you, but they will put you back in the hospital. There are other methods here, which you can research, that are easily accessible, relatively or completely painless, and somewhat cheap. An exit bag comes to mind.