When should you have ctb?

[divinemistress36]

Im 36 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid but started to seriously think about it for the past 5 years after my stroke. Wasted all this time on false hope should have ended it then. When do you feel like you should have ended it?

 

[sugarh1gh]

I am so sorry about your stroke. I hope you are better now.

I feel like I should have ctb in adolescents or at least right after I became adult. I have been through a lot and wish it wasn't that way. I wish I didn't suffer all of this, which would have been the case if I ctb earlier.

 

[cowboypants]

I think I should have ended it at 12 -14 when I failed my 7th grade. I was not good at math,I was really isolated most of the time.

Next up would have been when I started college and started accumulating backlogs which I cleared as fast I accumulated it but all for nothing because I didn't have any aspirations or the grades were too low, or the good companies won't hire me cause of the gap years.

I just died a little with each failure, there's nothing left of me now.

 

[divinemistress36]

I think I should have ended it at 12 -14 when I failed my 7th grade. I was not good at math,I was really isolated most of the time.

Next up would have been when I started college and started accumulating backlogs which I cleared as fast I accumulated it but all for nothing because I didn't have any aspirations or the grades were too low, or the good companies won't hire me cause of the gap years.

I just died a little with each failure, there's nothing left of me now.

Its so awful how peoples worth gets determined by their grades and career

 

[Hollowman]

When I was sixteen, I had a mental breakdown and knew my life was going to be shitty. Three decades later here I am.

 

[dopaminedeath]

There is no should involved in my case. I believe in it as euthanasia for my well-being, but that's it

What's the difference between when you should have done it and today?

 

[divinemistress36]

There is no should involved in my case. I believe in it as euthanasia for my well-being, but that's it

What's the difference between when you should have done it and today?

People gave me false hope it would get better so I held on

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm 30 and should have CTB'd when I was 28. At least back then I hadn't even had a job or met my current crush. Now people need me to stay there even though I can't get her out of my head. I only got this job like 9 months ago I should have known it would have happened again.

 

[dopaminedeath]

People gave me false hope it would get better so I held on

Oh okay, so you are imagining wiping out the past five years, whatever good and bad you experience

 

[divinemistress36]

Oh okay, so you are imagining wiping out the past five years, whatever good and bad you experience

Yes, there hasnt been any good experiences. My brain is foggy sorry if Im not making sense

 

[dopaminedeath]

Yes, there hasnt been any good experiences. My brain is foggy sorry if Im not making sense

That's understandable. I was asking cause it confuses me when people say they should have done it at some point. If its to cope with the experiences since then, I get imagining that. Otherwise you can still do it anytime, so why worry about a what if scenario

 

[divinemistress36]

That's understandable. I was asking cause it confuses me when people say they should have done it at some point. If its to cope with the experiences since then, I get imagining that. Otherwise you can still do it anytime, so why worry about a what if scenario

Good point

 

[thenamingofcats]

30 would have been perfect. There were always really bad things but I had some really good things going too and there was a balance. Lost that balance around 30 y/o. If I was smarter I would have ended it sooner when the 90s were over but I've been privileged to have some special friendships and I'm proud of those relationships. Now I'm alone though and refuse to interact irl.

 

[secondaryinfertiliy]

I wish I had done it before I had my first kid... If I ever successfully ctb now, it's going to fuck him up and that's unfair. It would have been better for him if he had never had to experience this shitty world and have such a weak mother. Any time before I had him, I had far fewer obligations and other than a sad husband, there would have been nothing left behind

 

[world is unfair]

I think I should have ended it at 12 -14 when I failed my 7th grade. I was not good at math,I was really isolated most of the time.

Next up would have been when I started college and started accumulating backlogs which I cleared as fast I accumulated it but all for nothing because I didn't have any aspirations or the grades were too low, or the good companies won't hire me cause of the gap years.

I just died a little with each failure, there's nothing left of me now.

I am 100% sure you were not trying on 7th grade. 7th grade math is easy af I had b+ and I was not studying but I agree. 13 is the best age to suicide

 

[LaVieEnRose]

2012 when I was 19/20. The Mayans were right. At least as far as my world was concerned.

 

[Kalista]

3 to 4 years ago, but should have been done with on jan 1st 2024 since i had the means to. had the gun in my mouth in a dark parking lot, trigger almost fully pulled, but thoughts stopped me. kept trying multiple times that night until i just felt exhausted on top of everything else.

didn't want to live then, don't want to live even now

 

[cowboypants]

I am 100% sure you were not trying on 7th grade. 7th grade math is easy af I had b+ and I was not studying but I agree. 13 is the best age to suicide

Uhm no. I have ADHD. Math has never interested me and I can't really focus on stuff I'm not interested in.

It's like trying to eat soup with a fork. Doesn't matter how hard you try.

 

[divinemistress36]

2012 when I was 19/20. The Mayans were right. At least as far as my world was concerned.

The world should have ended in 2012

 

[albstr1403]

The world should have ended in 2012

2012 when I was 19/20. The Mayans were right. At least as far as my world was concerned.

Ugh, I can relate so hard. my world also ended in 2012.

 

[passivethought121]

First mistake was not doing it in 2017. Second mistake was not doing it in 2023. I would've been pitied and forgiven. Now I'll be a liability, a burden, a nuisance, etc if I fail.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

The world should have ended in 2012

That's when I was well and truly fucked. The final nail in the coffin so to speak.

Im 36 and have dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid but started to seriously think about it for the past 5 years after my stroke. Wasted all this time on false hope should have ended it then. When do you feel like you should have ended it?

Even the people who used to give false hope are more quiet this time around. It's a bit nerve wrecking.

 

[Forveleth]

My persistent depression and suicidality started when I was 15. I wish I would have just done it then. My parents lied to me about "things getting better" when I got out of high school. They didn't. Twenty-five years of suffering later I regret every day not killing myself back then.

 

[lovedread]

15 when she realized the situation was hopeless.

 

[FallFromGrace]

My first encounter with suicidal thoughts was ~6 years ago for a situation unrelated to my current reason of CTB'ing. I'm not sure whether my current issue could have been alleviated had I started doing something about it back then. Something tells me I was probably fucked at that point anyways, so dying then probably would've been fine.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

The best answer I can give is... as early as possible. The earlier I died, the better it would have been honestly as that could prevent an additional decade of suffering. As early as possible should hypothetically be when I understood what death actually is without the religious indoctrination. I have no reason to live through the past decade and I still don't. Childhood is only utopia for those with good childhoods. My childhood has not been good unfortunately

 

[m1ll1pede]

If i just died at 14 i would've never have delt with the things i have now or have met the people i knew.. 14.

 

[destinationlosangel]

As a victim of abuse, I would have preferred never having even been born. But I think dying at the age of 10 would have been great cuz a lot of trauma that i had to endure was from then onwards.

The thing is I never stayed alive cuz i felt any joy in the idea of living. It was more of a 'I'm gonna fucking fight this!' feeling. Kept fighting for years until getting some rare health issues. I guess our situation is similar in ways. Guess u were also fighting until the unfortunate stroke incident. I feel for you. I am honestly so angry at that idiot doctor who tried manipulating your neck.

 

[derpyderpins]

You know, if we're weighing the sums of positive and negative emotions, then any of the times I considered it would've been good choices, practically.

But there's something to be said about sticking around, seeing and meeting people, and experiencing things, even in pain. The world is interesting.

Is it worth it? Maybe not, but it's the only way to experience the interesting. It's the raw deal we've got.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I never should have been forced into existence at all, more than anything I wish I stayed permanently unaware of something so futile and torturous as existing. To have the ability to exist is such a hellish, terrible tragedy, it's better to never exist, I don't belong in this world that is filled with endless suffering and cruelty. I was never meant to exist, I'd always see it as preferable to die but of course the only true perfection lies in never existing at all.

The fact that humans so harmfully force life here is horrific to me, I wish they didn't impose this dreadful burden onto others. I don't deserve the punishment of suffering in this existence, rather what I deserve is the peace of an eternal, dreamless sleep, only eternal nothingness is ideal to me as it's the permanent absence of all suffering and harm.