I am going to be alone. And then I am probably going to hell. :(
I am 36 years old and I've been a security guard all my life, usually failing even at such a simple thing as this. By my age, folks have been married and had children by now but I've never been really dated girls except for a handful of trainwrecks. All my siblings left and found people (for better or worse) except for me.
I sit and watch my parents age and remember the tenderness that they showed me as a youth, knowing that true love is not the bullshit that we see on TV -- its what my parents gave to me in my heart and how they continue to do things to help live, every single day -- no matter how much of an inconvenience. My dad is one year short of 67 years old, the same age that my grandpa died. I know that its going to be sooner than later, and most days this weighs on me heavily. My mom is much younger, and I love her much too, no matter how bitchy she's always been.
Now I sit here in my unsuccessful life, that I've spent running after an ideal life, rather than a practical one that accepts the chronic mental and physical pain that this is part of this all. As of now, I have at least some hope still that maybe some of the physical pains that I've acquired recently can be fixed, but I make so little money, and when my parents are gone, that money won't be there.
I am terribly sad knowing that I survive on the love and care of my parents. I spend all my days alone; these are the things that run through my head, along with the physical pain that I am hoping will go away. To add insult to injury, I have lost my religion twice, very possibly due to my inability to keep myself from pornography and masturbation. I didn't want to look but the pressure built up and I lost control of myself. These things led to drugs which gave me a new religion, but faded away after the drugs lost their hold. So I cursed the holy spirit, the gravest and only unforgivable sin of the bible.
I want to die so much and I consider how I can do it safely on a daily basis. I just don't want to leave my momma and my daddy before its time -- but when it is, then I'm really alone and really suffering.
May God bless you all. :(
I am 36 years old and I've been a security guard all my life, usually failing even at such a simple thing as this. By my age, folks have been married and had children by now but I've never been really dated girls except for a handful of trainwrecks. All my siblings left and found people (for better or worse) except for me.
I sit and watch my parents age and remember the tenderness that they showed me as a youth, knowing that true love is not the bullshit that we see on TV -- its what my parents gave to me in my heart and how they continue to do things to help live, every single day -- no matter how much of an inconvenience. My dad is one year short of 67 years old, the same age that my grandpa died. I know that its going to be sooner than later, and most days this weighs on me heavily. My mom is much younger, and I love her much too, no matter how bitchy she's always been.
Now I sit here in my unsuccessful life, that I've spent running after an ideal life, rather than a practical one that accepts the chronic mental and physical pain that this is part of this all. As of now, I have at least some hope still that maybe some of the physical pains that I've acquired recently can be fixed, but I make so little money, and when my parents are gone, that money won't be there.
I am terribly sad knowing that I survive on the love and care of my parents. I spend all my days alone; these are the things that run through my head, along with the physical pain that I am hoping will go away. To add insult to injury, I have lost my religion twice, very possibly due to my inability to keep myself from pornography and masturbation. I didn't want to look but the pressure built up and I lost control of myself. These things led to drugs which gave me a new religion, but faded away after the drugs lost their hold. So I cursed the holy spirit, the gravest and only unforgivable sin of the bible.
I want to die so much and I consider how I can do it safely on a daily basis. I just don't want to leave my momma and my daddy before its time -- but when it is, then I'm really alone and really suffering.
May God bless you all. :(
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