Venting Losing my will to keep getting help for my mental issues.

[Deviisdreaming-]

Hello everyone, my life hasn't gotten much better. I just feel like a bit of a 'Debbie Downer' all of the time, but what is there to actually look forward to in this world. The only reason I don't just CTB is because I'm scared of the physical pain I could feel or the small chance that I might even live and be horribly disfigured/disabled. I hate to be so selfish, but even my loved ones aren't really enough to stop me if I finally made up my mind. I know that they'd get along well without me and overcome my death with time. I mean that in the least negative way possible, because they could simply go through the stages of grief.

I feel sick everyday, I've lost 90 pounds in about six and a half months. I've acquired an eating disorder somehow. Something about it has really given me a strange sick sense of purpose. I really like to starve, count my calories, and watch myself get smaller. I almost feel like I want to die from this, but it'll take too long to get there at this rate since I was a very 'healthy' weight before starting. I lost my job too a while back for calling out to see my grandma in the hospital (she has cancer) and I've been looking for a new one. Nowhere will hire me, not even Burger King and if I can't find one soon I'll be homeless on top of my other issues. I've tried two temp agencies and have gone to over 10 interviews. I've followed up with at least three and never heard anything back. They always hit me with the same old, "We have a lot of interviews lined up! We can get back to you in about two weeks." You can imagine that those two weeks will come and go, even turn into months. A lot of these jobs will cause me great physical pain as well as mental unrest, as I am disabled. Yet I've been applying to them all anyway, because I don't want to be on the street.

Of course I've been going through all this as well as overcoming self-harm addiction and my therapy center has completely got rid of me. They sent me a letter in the mail telling me to transfer to another facility, that they didn't accept my insurance. Though this isn't the first time I've had issues with a mental health organization, some say they can't help me, others just move me around between several therapists. I've pretty much made up my mind that I don't want mental help anymore and if my symptoms get the best of me I no longer care.

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Our mental health support system in the US is pretty hot garbage. As most of healthcare, they prioritize their finances before your health.

You need to figure out in your psyche why you want to get skinnier to unhealthy proportions. Thats the only way you will be able to help yourself. By finding the root(s).

 

[Deviisdreaming-]

Our mental health support system in the US is pretty hot garbage. As most of healthcare, they prioritize their finances before your health.

You need to figure out in your psyche why you want to get skinnier to unhealthy proportions. Thats the only way you will be able to help yourself. By finding the root(s).

Well I know a lot of it is out of spite. The person who S/A'd me used my weight against me and stated something along the lines of: "Stop acting like you didn't want it. Have you seen yourself? It's not like anyone would have sex with you anyway." and also the process is a gradual slow death, so it gives me time to prepare. Of course people making fun of me for my weight and using it as a defining feature have also pushed the change. Everyday I wake up I have meals to plan and things to cook under my set calorie limit, it gives me control when I have no control over my life.