When my ex left me, I felt like I lost my last chance at having a family of my own as well

[Cherry Crumpet]

I'm posting this in the recovery section because it helps with my mental health to try to see myself 'recovering'.. or whatever.

I'm 36 years old. Woman. Gonna be 37 soon. My ex and I met when we were in our early 20s. He got married to some nasty mean lady.. she cheated.. he popped into my life again 10 yrs later.

Before this point I had been pretty depressed. Suicidal ideation frequently. After he and I started going out and dating seriously, my mood improved dramatically. I almost never thought of suicide. He also was very open to adoption in the future. I thought I was actually going to get a dream I wanted.

And then it all came crashing down. He broke up abruptly with me a few months ago. Turns out he can't handle serious relationships and just realized it now. I had grown attached to not just him, but his child from his broken marriage as well. I could see myself being their stepmom. I was bonding with his parents...

Then he basically said he thought we'd be better as friends. When I asked why, it was mainly physical differences. I guess my libedo wasn't high enough for him, although I never said 'no' if he wanted sex. Then I found out he might try for casual dating in the spring. That killed me. I asked if he ever did consider seriously dating again, if I would be someone he considered. His answer was 'potentially'.

I went from thinking this person was in love with me to finding out that he didn't even consider me a sure go if he wanted to date seriously again.. No. I wasn't even that. I'm down on the 'potential' rung. And that really hurt.

Now I really do feel I'll be alone forever. I'm fat. I have a ton of baggage (partially now thanks to him), my mom lives with me because she can't afford to live on her own. I don't see what ANYONE would see in me. And the ironic part was.. I kept wanting to ask him what he saw in me in the last few months.. and I guess I found out. He still said he considers me on or above the level of his best friend.. but that doesn't stop the hurt.

I'm trying to face a future where I will be alone. I do not make enough to raise a child alone. I don't make enough to even foster a child alone. I don't trust people anymore after what he did (led me along for 2 yrs).

I'm going to live alone, with no one to care about me, and eventually die alone. The only comfort I have is my mom will be with me for some of the time. After that, i will be alone.

It just seems hopeless. I pop a xanax after work because it's too bleak most of the time for me to think of it clearly.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You could volunteer with kids in daycares or hospitals whenever you have freetime. In many places it is free to Foster and support will be given, especially if you want an older child who has been in the system longer and thus is seen as "undesirable" to people who want newborn babies. Although I would not reccomend fostering or adopting while suicidal, just for the sake and wellbeing of the child. I have similar problems trying to find people I can trust and bond with, I also don't have a family, no parents, nada, so I understand your dilemma. It is hard to find people we can trust.

 

[Tired_Tired]

If you are not bad looking. Lose weight first like surgery. I think sex sometimes more important than love because men are the animals thinking from bottom. Everyone's problem is different. You are looking for happiness. Maybe pet is better than a kid, less responsibility.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I understand it might not feel likely at the age of 36, but I had a few incredible relationships after that age, so I suggest not throwing in the towel on dating based on age alone.

My most recent girlfriend (we are now just good friends) has her mom and one of her children living with her. For me, I find this an attractive quality, as she has her values and priorities in order. Not all men will find the fact that you have your mom living with you to be a negative.

If your weight does not make you feel good about yourself, then change it.

Lots of options to nurture your love of children. If you are in the States, you can volunteer to be a Big Sister, Girl Scout troop leader, etc.

Stay positive. You'll find someone better!

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

You could volunteer with kids in daycares or hospitals whenever you have freetime. In many places it is free to Foster and support will be given, especially if you want an older child who has been in the system longer and thus is seen as "undesirable" to people who want newborn babies. Although I would not reccomend fostering or adopting while suicidal, just for the sake and wellbeing of the child. I have similar problems trying to find people I can trust and bond with, I also don't have a family, no parents, nada, so I understand your dilemma. It is hard to find people we can trust.

I've considered fostering, but I don't think I'd make enough money for both of us to live comfortably. That would also be if I got my depression and anxiety under control. I don't believe I am suicidal at this time.. but it's more of this mental failsafe I use as a fallback so I know I don't have to continue enduring life if it gets to be too much.

If you are not bad looking. Lose weight first like surgery. I think sex sometimes more important than love because men are the animals thinking from bottom. Everyone's problem is different. You are looking for happiness. Maybe pet is better than a kid, less responsibility.

Yeah, true. I'm working on eating better because of my health, not just for appearance. But it plays a part in it.

I understand it might not feel likely at the age of 36, but I had a few incredible relationships after that age, so I suggest not throwing in the towel on dating based on age alone.

My most recent girlfriend (we are now just good friends) has her mom and one of her children living with her. For me, I find this an attractive quality, as she has her values and priorities in order. Not all men will find the fact that you have your mom living with you to be a negative.

If your weight does not make you feel good about yourself, then change it.

Lots of options to nurture your love of children. If you are in the States, you can volunteer to be a Big Sister, Girl Scout troop leader, etc.

Stay positive. You'll find someone better!

Thank you very much! Your words meant a lot to me. I think I tend to use depression as a crutch sometimes because I don't want to deal with the daily shit of life. etc.

All of your responses meant a lot to me. Thanks for caring.

It really is a day to day thing... some days I feel a lot better and other days I feel so much worse. There's no predictor either. I've been having some good days these past few days, so I'm counting that as a blessing.

I also forgot to mention the one other rock in my life besides my mom - my best friend of 33 yrs. she's a lot like me and deals with a lot of the same issues. Even if I'm all alone at the end, I know she'll be there for me. That's another reason I could never CTB. My best friend and my mom.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I've considered fostering, but I don't think I'd make enough money for both of us to live comfortably. That would also be if I got my depression and anxiety under control. I don't believe I am suicidal at this time.. but it's more of this mental failsafe I use as a fallback so I know I don't have to continue enduring life if it gets to be too much.


Yeah, true. I'm working on eating better because of my health, not just for appearance. But it plays a part in it.

Thank you very much! Your words meant a lot to me. I think I tend to use depression as a crutch sometimes because I don't want to deal with the daily shit of life. etc.

All of your responses meant a lot to me. Thanks for caring.

It really is a day to day thing... some days I feel a lot better and other days I feel so much worse. There's no predictor either. I've been having some good days these past few days, so I'm counting that as a blessing.

I also forgot to mention the one other rock in my life besides my mom - my best friend of 33 yrs. she's a lot like me and deals with a lot of the same issues. Even if I'm all alone at the end, I know she'll be there for me. That's another reason I could never CTB. My best friend and my mom.

Friends since the age of three. How awesome! You illustrate some fantastic qualities in this thread. Keep your head up. You'll find a suitable partner!

 

[JigsawFeelin]

It's so not over! You're young asf!
I know so many happy couples who met in their late 30s and 40s and have spent what feels like, to them, their entire life together! One of which has adopted recently. Think about it, now you get the good bits! None of the bollocks of the 'does he like me, does he not' or sleeping around or whatever calamity dating in your twenties is (and it is, a calamity)
I always date 10 years older than me, (most recent person I saw was 34 to my 25) and I find they're so much clearer about what they want (which is great for me as I can't stand ambiguity, it's a BPD thing).
I'm almost kinda jealous of your position. Get out there, meet someone and have the happiness and/or family you deserve.
Your ex sounds like a douchebag flaky derelict- 'maybe I'll consider you', you're not a fucking panna cotta.

 

[dandan]

damm, its a sad story girl
I'm 38, met a girl as soon as I left depression and CTB thoughts and we dated for 3,4 months
She asked me if I wanted to be her life partner? Afraid of not making enough money, and just being out of CTB I had to say no...
I did not wanted her to get involved with me, as if I am WASTE, I do not give enough value to myself.
I am pretty as hell, A- or B+, not A+ because im 135lbs im not a tall handsome man, but handsome
but not knowing how to live fucks it all up
not being economically sound scared the hell out of me, specially when dating a super achiever like the girl I did... damm
she was the one that wanted me... I said no....
damm, worst regrett ever... even when I did it for her....

I do kind of get your story because I do feel like the same same same way, in a different situation, what will happen to us?
would we ever meet that person? will I ever be okay? okay enough to be with that person?